Freedom in Truth

...new adventures...

2012-01-25T22:45:00.000-08:00

I think I am retiring this blog for a while... I might return to it at a later date... but it is time for a new adventure... you can find my more recent thoughts my new blog called:

Musings of an adventurous soul

...you are greatly loved...

.am.

live's transitions...

2011-09-12T15:51:00.001-07:00

Hey Family and Friends!

Welp, as always… I seem to send little updates when transitions arise! There are a few new things on the horizon of my life… and some that have already dawned! I hope this little letter finds you doing well!

Transition number one… going from 26 years of age to 27… … …REALLY!!

Am I really 27?!!

(Wow… my parents must be saying ‘oh, don’t remind me….’ haha…)

Anyhoo. It is true, I am turning 27 in a few days… it is amazing how time seems to zoom on and on whether or not we zoom with it… guess there isn’t time to waste! So the adventures continue…

As many of you know this past year I opened a coffee house in Canby Oregon with my sister and a friend… if I were to write about all the adventures that I had in regards to that little café, welp, you’d be sitting here for a few hours reading a novel. To say the least, I worked muscles I never knew I had, figuratively… and in real life! I met so many great people whom inspire and encourage my heart… and I gained an experience that will forever change my life. But as with all adventures, there comes a close to one and an embarking on another.

I have been feeling the season of transition approaching for a short while now. I was not sure what it would entail, where I would be, what I would be doing… all I knew was transition was swiftly approaching. And swiftly it has come.

With much prayer, consideration, careful thought, and many conversations I've decided to make a move to Spokane, Washington. (I can hear some of you saying in your head: SPOKANE!? What in God’s green earth is in SPOKANE!) Welp, I too find it making no logical or reasonable sense to move other than I know that I know it is the right thing to do in this season of life. So, I have taken the leap of faith, packed up my things, and moved on up here. As always, I find myself in the most interesting experiences, do the most interesting things… living in London, teaching art at an alternative high school, living in Guatemala and doing eye exams for the poor… I have no doubt that this will bring me the same fun and exciting adventures as other seasons in life have brought.

I have found a lovely little apartment close to some dear friends of mine, and we are pursuing living in intentional community… what that looks like, we don’t know yet… but we are being intentional about it… I’ll write more about our adventures in the days to come. As for work, I am pursuing a job at Whitworth University, Assistant Director of International Admissions. (A career job! HAHA! That makes me laugh out loud…) The Job is a perfect fit for this season of life. I’d use my degree, exercise my passions of understanding culture and bridging people, be able to travel and recruit students in other countries, work on a masters degree, and simply be me.

We shall see what takes place. Otherwise, I have a barista job almost lined up and a lot of prayers be prayed on my behalf! Join in if you’d like!

I’m sure this brings up one major question: what about the café!? I’d agree, in most circumstances, one can not just start up a business and leave a year later… But we’re in a unique and great circumstance. I’m still an owner and consulting the business in large decisions. We’ve got an awesome team of people in place making the café great! I’m excited to see what takes place in the days to come… it really is the place to be, and I’ll miss being there!

Anyhoo. Here is my new address:

10110 N. Colfax Rd #16

Spokane, WA 99218

My phone # is still the same: 480-459-7699

And my email is still: anbrown917@hotmail.com

Yep. That’s my little update for the season! Let me know if you would like to know more about the in’s and out’s of my new life… and as always, I’m sure I’ll be writing about it on my blog… www.ambrown917.blogspot.com

If you’re in the area, let me know! I’d love to have you come visit!

Keep in touch!

Annie May

.feed your spirit.

2011-07-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

6/27/11

‘Maybe trying to comfort our soul is more harmful than good. Our real need is to feed our Spirit, not comfort our Soul.’

This morning I ran into some potentially discouraging moments. I was feeling quite down, and disappointed in myself for not meeting my own expectations. My mind, will and emotions were as uncomfortable as a cat would be in a swimming pool. I desperately wanted to sooth and numb my disappointment rather than face it and extend grace toward myself.

The reality is, God is gracious, kind, slow to anger and abounding in love. It doesn’t mean he excuses us from our shortcomings, but he doesn’t beat us over the head when we fall down. We often times miss God’s grace because we are too busy beating ourselves up thinking we must perform to gain God’s acceptance… OR we miss grace because we’re too busy thinking God will excuse our failings time and time again, so we’ll just keep on keeping on… I’m pretty sure the bible addresses both of these mentalities… (Ephesians 2:8 talks about being saved by grace… Romans 6 speaks of the foolishness of thought that continuing in our sin some how allows God to show MORE grace… lastly, First John 1 brings some insight into walking in the light.)

Anyhoo. This morning I was feeling a bit down. My soul was like a cat in water… desperately looking for any kind of dry land to climb upon… frantically… searching… claws out, fearful, anxious, worried, distressed… Screaming inside… ‘Get me outta here!!!’ (Okay, my words might be a bit overly dramatic here… I wasn’t quite this desperate. But if I hadn’t done something different in that moment to center my heart and mind on truth, I would have spiraled into a place I would not have wanted to visit… it is a place I use to dwell quite frequently, a place of fear, anxiety, worry, control… some might even call it depression.)

Right. I decided to turn some music on to get my mind focused on truth and off of my worries. I often turn on music with some kind of uplifting message, or something that will edify my soul and spirit, bringing me closer to the heart of God. I do this because my feet will step where my thoughts direct. Our thoughts guide our steps. What we think is what we will become. What I believe about myself (more over, what I believe about who God says I am…) will be the reality played out in my life. If I desire to take a step closer to Jesus everyday, then my thoughts need to be fixed upon him. When thoughts enter into my mind that are not like his thoughts, then I have a choice to make: Take them captive and make them obedient to Christ (1 Corinthians 10:5) OR I can allow lies to captivate my thoughts and in turn they will influence my choices, my words, and my actions… I've been on a journey of transformation by way of renewing my mind.

Back to the story: I went to turn on some music. I had an artist in mind. His music always sooths my soul which is exactly what I wanted in that moment. After 30 seconds I realized that turning on this music was not helping me take my thoughts captive… The lyrics were lovely, but they spoke more about the human condition rather than the reality of who God is. And that is when it hit me. I was attempting to sooth my soul rather than FEED my spirit. I quickly put on a different album that spoke of who God IS rather than a profession of the frailty of humanity.

I wonder how many times I've sought out comfort for my soul when the Lord had been calling me to feed my spirit. When we feed our spirit (and by feed I simply mean: nourish and cultivate the word of God into our lives in moments when life is challenging… An example of comforting the soul: ‘I feel crappy about myself right now, I think I’ll go eat some ice cream and feel better…’ Nourishing the spirit: ‘I feel crappy about myself right now, but what is God’s truth? He loves me even in the darkest moments. He picks me up out of the pit, he shines his light upon me, lifts me up in due time, He is my creator and sustainer, provider, and friend…’ ect. Comforting the soul perpetuates weakness… Nourishing our spirit fortifies our identify in Christ… The enemy longs for us to stay in the wicked cycle of bringing comfort to our souls through our own means. What do you turn to when you feel crappy about yourself? Is it food? Is it certain friends? Is it TV? Facebook?

Dear ones, I am telling you… we must begin to feed our spirit rather than comfort our souls… God Almighty is our comforter. If we’re seeking condolence in anything other than Him first and foremost… we’re most likely worshiping idols.

I realized today that I often turn to self-pity, and I reinforce that pity by finding something that will support and encourage it… Today, it was listening to music that spoke of my broken state and how I was a faltering person… BUT that is no longer who I am… I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ in me… I am dead to sin and ALIVE in Christ. How silly it is to fixate on my shortcomings in light of God’s mercy and grace… He is faithful and just to purify us from all unrighteousness… When we repent, we are made clean by the blood of Christ...

I am not sure if my words properly described the revelation I had today. Sometimes it is hard to articulate the depth to which a word goes… So. I guess I’ll close with a prayer.

Jesus. We seek you with all our hearts… and you promise that we’ll find you. Lover of our souls, open our eyes to see you, open our hearts to know you, open our ears to hear you… and bring courage and boldness to our minds to follow you at any cost. Renew us, transform us, shine your light upon us, mold us… make us more like you sweet Jesus.

.Simply Valued.

2011-06-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note for the night... (Haha, that’s what I always say, 5 pages later… J)

‘… maybe our value is not so much in what we do... but our value is intrinsically linked to the one who gives us life.’

I've been thinking over the past 2 days about Identity. Well, I've been thinking about it longer than the past two days… But I've been discovering and uncovering what my Identity is actually rooted in vs. what I wishfully say and ignorantly believe my identity is rooted in.

What I mean by ‘wishfully say and ignorantly believe’ is this: I believe my identity is rooted and established in Christ in theory… But in practice… in the everyday, experiential, moment-by-moment living, my thought processes and heart attitude would declare that my identity is rooted in what I do, how well I perform, how much influence I have, and how many people I have pleased. That is hard to admit! But it is true!

Why is it when I take a moment to reflect on the happenings of my day, I instantly base God’s approval of me upon how well or bad I performed? I think to myself: ‘Welp, Annie… you could have done this or that better… and oh, you forgot about that thing… and yep... ooo you really sucked it up in that moment… Looks like you missed the mark today.” And then I go into a pattern of thinking that God is obviously not pleased with me because I did not accomplish all the things I set out to do… and whatever I did do, it was obviously not done well enough…

Does anyone else have these nasty thought processes? I call them nasty because that is what they are!!! These kinds of thought processes are like cancer to our identity.

I share all of this because I believe the theory of identity in Christ can become experience. I believe there is great freedom in living loved and being rooted and established in love. When we encounter an enduring and pursuing love like that of Christ, our lives are forever changed… And this is where our identity thrives and grows… when we are rooted in love… Real love, the kind that Jesus has shown the world (not the kind that his ‘followers’ have displayed through the ages)… but the kind of love that serves, and sacrifices for friends, love that dwells in unity and promotes peace, that is humble and enduring, that does not delight in evil, nor is it rude or proud… love that is patient and kind, shows grace, mercy, and unmerited favor… slow to anger… love that forgives and builds up… this kind of love gives us the freedom to fall down and get back up. God doesn’t push us down with his thumb when we make mistakes, or fail, or simply turn away from what we know to be true and good… He continues to love us… it is the enemy who plants lies in our paths to try and separate us from God’s love… it is the enemy who condemns, and plasters us with guilt and condemnation. Christ opens wide his arms and takes us in fully, with great joy upon our return… never a scolding nasty guilt ridden tone of voice…

Christ desires his brothers and sisters to live in the reality of what was purchased for them through His blood… fullness of life, real freedom, healing and joy… love abundantly, grace and mercy new every morning… Hope and glory… peace that endures… He wants us to experience the love of the Father… fully. And as we experience that kind of love, we’ll be set free to live in the identity that Christ has given us.

Ask Jesus where you find your value. Do you know that you are intrinsically valuable to Him? You don’t have to strive to be accepted. You already are. Fully. Accepted. Loved. Completely. Period.

Praying we’ll all embark on a journey of seeking out who God says we are… and throw off all other voices that would tell us different that what Daddy God says.

Much love.

.am.

.quote of the day.

2011-06-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

.thoughts on avoidance.

2011-06-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

6.17.11

I find the tendency of ‘avoidance’ really interesting. This week, I've found myself avoiding doing the things I love, things that bring refreshing to my soul and spirit… Avoidance seems to creep up on me when the Lord would like to reveal a deeper truth, bring a personal breakthrough, or He would like to use me in the lives of others… In short: when the Lord is moving in powerful ways, a spirit of avoidance seems to oppose me.

I've found the spirit of Avoidance works in conjunction with many other things… in my experience there is always an object of affection brought to the forefront of life as a decoy and distraction. This object of affection could be anything. The purpose and tactic of our enemy: to rob us of time, distract and remove us from His presence, isolate us from others, entertain our minds with temporal things, and from there throw all kinds of insults at us. Such insults are typically aimed at our identity, often purposed to thwart and twist our understanding of who we are in Christ. This is our enemy’s biggest fear. He is terrified of the sons and daughters of God discovering their true identity in Christ.

So. I've had a week of avoidance. I've avoided sitting down to write… I haven’t carved out time to sit and play music… I've evaded most all things that bring refreshing to my soul and I’ve chosen other things to occupy my time. Why!?

I don’t think I have the complete answer. But as I said before, I am sure God is up to something wonderful and good. He is the most kind and compassionate person, he is slow to anger and abounding in love… and his mercies are new every morning. And maybe the enemy is terrified of this reality… we are always forgiven and shown grace in Christ. Sin has no hold on me, it may knock me down, but in Christ I always overcome. (Insert your own word for ‘sin’… i.e.: Pain, discouragement, stress, bitterness, hurt, anger… whatever it is you desire to overcome).

Jesus. Thank you for knowing us completely, fully, to the deepest parts. You know our greatest weakness and you know our greatest potential. You know the deepest reasons why we respond and react the way we do. You know our every pain, you know how messy our hearts are, and you love us. Thank you. Jesus, I ask that you’d help us. Help us see you. Help us experience your love. Help us believe what YOU say and disregard our enemies threats as nothing. In you we have great victory, abundant life, joy, peace, endurance and strength! We will always overcome with you!

Simplicity of a word.

2011-05-08T15:55:00.000-07:00

I am always amazed by the simple things of life.

I am amazed by the simple acts of obedience that bring about such a marvelous and glorious harvest of life. (That might sound a bit weird to some of you reading this. So let me elaborate a bit more :)

I've had multiple instances this week where I have felt a subtle prompt to speak encouragement to different people. Whenever I feel a prompt, there is always the opportunity to decline/ignore what I sense to be hearing...Or, in faith, I have the opportunity to speak what it is I am hearing. Over the past few months, I've regularly declined and dismissed the prompt as silliness. But this last week, I was reminded of the power our words can carry. Our words hold the power of life or death. The simple act giving a tiny encouraging word to someone, or writing a little note to a friend, sending that little text with a 'Hi, I'm thinking of you', re posting my thoughts from a year ago... these things to me seem so simple, yet God breaths his breath of life into these simple words and acts, and from them come a garden of life...

We have no idea what the smallest actions of love will do for a person. What seems small in my eyes, God can take and use in such a radical way to bring endurance, hope, transformation, restoration, perseverance, encouragement, confirmation...

So, I smile and laugh with a sense of joy and awe as I reflect upon the events of this last week.

I'm finding it true that man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God... How I long to feast on that eternal sustenance... The bread of life... His word and truth sustain us, one such truth that I am thinking upon today:

He loves me with an everlasting love, He is kind and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love... Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ....

And when I live in the reality of that truth, eternal beauty springs forth unhindered by the circumstances around me.

I pray that we'd all get a taste of His love for us, and as this happens, I am confident that we too will go and love likewise.

blessings to you, His beloved.

.am.

What will be, will Be. And I will rejoice.

2011-03-31T21:01:00.001-07:00

3.29.11

What will be, will be. And I will rejoice.

(I am coming out of hibernation in regards to writing… publicly, that is. I am not sure where I’ll find the time to be consistent in sharing my thoughts… but what will be, will be.)

The past few months have been quite interesting. I am not exactly sure how to sum it up… I guess you could say I feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ… being picked up by a twister… plopped down in such an unexpected, yet lovely and curious place… and there is this yellow brick road that will lead me along the way I should go… Dorothy was dreaming the whole thing… and when she woke up, she was so thankful to be with the ones she loved.

(Ha. My life is very real right now, not a dream… although it does feel quite like one… there are moments when I take a step back and wonder: Did the past 6 months really just happen? Did I really get together with my sister and a friend to open a LEGIT coffee shop? Really!? How did that happen? How did that come together so quickly? What? Really? How? Huh? Haha… You could ask any of us @ The Place and we’d all tell ya it was a miracle… We’re not quite sure how things are going so well except by the grace God has given us. It is beautiful!)

Anyhoo. As much as I love where I am now, and I LOVE what I get to do everyday… and I LOVE the people I get to work with… and the community of Canby… there is something more that I long for… what that is exactly, I can’t quite put to words… but I know there are pieces of this life puzzle that have not found there way to the table yet. I have ideas about what those ‘pieces’ may be, but I lay no claim on them… ‘What will be, will be’ … I just know there are pieces waiting to be revealed.

The past few weeks I've been wrestling with capriciousness in my heart. I've wanted to create my own pieces in this life puzzle and try to fit them in… more like I've wanted to force them in… (Have you ever done that with a real puzzle? Haha, it’s comical… you find a piece that is surely the ‘right fit’ for that spot, and you force fit it in… and think: “PERFECT! I've been looking all over for that darn piece…Heck yes!” Later, you realize it was the wrong piece and now it’s all bent outta shape… now it wont fit anywhere... poop. Ha!)

I wouldn’t say I've gone so far as to fit things in my life that aren’t meant to be there in this moment… but boy have I sure wanted to name and claim some things and make it happen. I guess it comes down to patience… But, I have found that I can’t have patience unless I have a hope in something worth waiting for… and I can’t hope unless I trust in the hand that is bringing the hope to pass.

Have you ever come to those ‘fork in the road’ type moments? I felt like I had one of those moments today. I came to a fork in the road, purposing this question: are you going to keep trying to create pieces that don’t fit, or are you going to allow pieces that are meant to fit come together perfectly in their own time?

And in that moment I had to make a decision. I chose to let go of ‘making pieces’ and trying to make them fit together… it hasn’t worked in the past, and it won’t ever start working either. But instantaneously after making that choice, there was another fork in the road… ‘Are you going to be bitter about it or will you rejoice in whatever comes your way?’

HA! Letting go is hard enough… and now to choose to REJOICE!?

Yep. I will rejoice. Whatever God deems me worthy of experiencing, that I will experience and rejoice through it. There is not one experience I’d be better without… He is working all things together for my good, I've been called according to His purpose… My life is not my own, and who better to entrust it to than the one who created me…

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% of what you do with what happens to you… (That little saying was on a card I bought yesterday… it had a cute drawing of a little girl making lemonade out of lemons… I've decided that if I’m getting lemons in life… I’m making lemonade. J)

What will be, will be… and I will rejoice. (I say that with such great hope and joy. I have a bright future… Christ is there… how could it get any brighter?!)

Chaotic Symphony

2010-11-11T21:19:00.000-08:00

A lovely symphony

Created amid you and me

The rough spots in between

Merely leaving clever melody-lines

They should divide but

Suddenly become unified

Tying drudgery together

The 'whole' becomes better

Not easy

Nor perfect

But better than it use to be

Chaos without a melody

Now a symphony

Resonating deeply

Between you and me

Notes without a home have found their place

Found the right time and the perfect rhyme

Our hearts dance together without skipping beat

The place we were meant to be

Finally at rest with one another

Forgiveness our deepest need

Given graciously

Peace is our comfort

Love is our banner

Eternal light

Brightening up the darkest night

Nothing can quiet

The symphony inside

Melody lines emerging from the chaos of life

Chaos becoming a lovely symphony

Amid you and me.

...Surrender...

2010-10-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

I am still on this journey of finding the time to write my thoughts… I know I will get there, as I am determined to do all that the Lord has called and purposed me to do in these days… they are so crucial… I believe our generation is in an ‘appointed season’ of choice… (By appointed season I mean: an assigned portion of time that God has portioned… and in ‘appointed seasons’ there is a definite beginning and end. Once the season ends, things are set in motion or set on trajectory. God is big enough to change the trajectory, but it largely depends on the will and choices of man. God has desired course planned out and he is looking for people to align themselves with His heart and purposes… this season is the time where we can get into alignment with His perfect trajectory…) The question is: Will we, as a generation, lay down our lives for the desire of His heart… we haven’t even received the full revelation of what we will do in our generation… but we daily are experiencing more and more of His heart for the broken, we daily see the need for redemption and restoration, reconciliation… We don’t know how these things will be accomplished, nor how we fit into the equation… but we do know that we are called, and set aside for a great purpose… We know our purpose is much larger than we could ever dream or imagine… our purpose is too wonderful to comprehend… God has chosen us for a special work… it is our choice in these days to accept the heart of God, or to refuse…

Our acceptance is as simple as total surrender. There is nothing else, no other means in which we can ‘get on board’ with God’s plans. To accept the call of Christ means complete surrender to the one who saved us… total surrender to the one who gave his life for us… total surrender to the fierce love and pursuit of Christ himself. Total surrender to his perspective, to his Holy Spirit, to his promptings in every situation… total surrender to his heart and desire for purity and righteousness… total surrender to honesty, humility, and to the word of God. Total surrender of all sin…throwing down all things that daily entangle us… complete surrender of our bondage, fear, doubt, insecurities… everything.

Complete and total surrender of everything we are will be the deciding factor of our generation… will we arise and shine as God has set us apart to do… it depends on our degree of surrender in these days.

We are truly living in important days. This kind of season does not roll around every 6 months, or every 12 months. It is not like summer, fall, winter, or spring… it is more like the orbit of planets… alignment happens, but it takes time. God does not pluck and plop. Just as the planets can not be plucked up from their current trajectory and plopped down into alignment with their planet counterparts, neither will God pluck us up and plop us down into alignment. If the appointed season of choice passes by our generation, it could take a long process of re-arranging the lives and circumstances of 7 billion people to bring about another appointed season like this one. Our generation might not see this kind of opportunity ever again. These are important days.

I don’t claim to know how long our appointed season is… and heck, maybe we won’t even know it ended… But I personally have a strong conviction to make the most of everyday I am given. I am learning to count my days and make them count. There truly is no time to waste. We cannot settle for loving Jesus and loving people with only half of our hearts, our minds, soul and strength… God is looking for those who are ‘all in’ …

If you are finding the struggle to surrender incredible difficult in these days, do not fret… keep fighting the good fight and asking for the grace to overcome. You’re on the right track! I am praying for our generation to press in all the more in these days… the temptation is to let up a little bit, and the temptation is re-enforced by discouragement of our shortcomings… But remember what Christ has done for you… fix your eyes on Him. He is the author… He is the perfecter of our faith… He’ll see you through all this mess. Just keep running toward Him and surrendering your everything.

Praying for you.

.am.

...Me, a grumbler? Sadly... yes...

2010-07-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

I find myself crying out with the same phrase “Jesus, I don’t know what to do!!’

And I keep crying that out… and crying it out… and crying it out… in every difficult situation, in every moment of every day… ‘I don’t know what to do!!!’

There are a few things that seem so right about that cry, and then there are some things so wrong. The thing that is right, looking toward Jesus… but I am afraid the thing that is so wrong might as well nullify what is so right.

Notice how I simply put exclamation points to that cry, rather than question marks… In my heart, my cry has not been in the form of a question asking for help, rather it has simply been a whining and billowing cry of agony desperately hoping that Jesus will just come and make things all hunky dory in an instant.

And Jesus simply waits in quite silence, with great patience for me to stop whining and ask for help. See, our whining isn’t pleasing to the heart of God. He will take it, but it doesn’t fill his heart with Joy. It is the same as grumbling.

Oh my.

Oh my.

Revelation literally just hit me square in the face as I wrote that last line. Whining is the same as grumbling… crap.

That brings the past few weeks into sharp focus.

I've been grumbling to the Lord for a month now.

Shoot dang.

…

…

…

It all makes sense now. No wonder it has been a bit rough lately, no wonder it feels as though my joy has been robbed completely and the once refreshing springs of living water rushing from the depths of my life seem to be dry desert pools lately… my heart has been grumbling.

Jesus, forgive me.

It takes little reading of the bible accounts of Israel wondering in the desert to find out what the Lord thinks about grumbling, and what happens when people grumble against His ways… (Just read Exodus 15-17 speaks of Israel and grumbling, along with Numbers 14, Deuteronomy 1:26-46 recaps Israel’s grumbling right before entering the promise land… and Psalm 106:24-26)

As we grumble against the ways of God we are essentially forsaking our faith in who God is. We are effectively saying we do not trust in You God. Remember, faith is being sure of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we do not yet see. I have found myself in a myriad of uncertainties as of late and rather than fixing my eyes on what I am certain of, my heart has turned to grumbling and complaining, crying out ‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO LORD!!!’ (and let me assure you, this is not the only thing I've grumbled about before the Lord lately… I wish I could claim to be that saintly… but I am far from it.)

The Father, in his grace, has already given me the answer to this ‘grumbling’ matter… first is repentance, and then it is the act of praise. Praise aligns all that we are with the Spirit of God. Praise aligns our thoughts with the truth of who God is, praise aligns our words with the reality of who God is (and we know that our words are powerful, speaking life or death, blessing or cursing…) Praise is meant to align our bodies with the Spirit of God… (if you look up the Hebrew meaning of praise you’ll find 6 or 7 different Hebrew words, and all the words used for praise are words of action, or outward expression of some sort… whether it is the raising of your hands, dancing, shouting, jumping, clapping, striking the instrument… there is some kind of action… praise is not in your silent quiet time… you can adore God, and worship God in silence… and I am all for silence… but the definition of PRAISING God, according to scripture, is an outward expression of sorts declaring who God is and what He does.) And this is the answer to keep my heart from grumbling. Praise.

… once again, I have much more to say. But, personally, I think I need to sit on this little revelation for a while… more than that… I need to practice the remedy the Lord has graciously given me. In the past I have found myself always looking for the next word, the next revelation, or always wanting the next thing… But I've learned the Lord will sometimes give us one thing and waits patiently while it is grafted into our lives before He gives us the next thing… He doesn’t just want his people to be revelation seekers, but people who practice the revelation… Oh how I want to be a doer of the word… not just a hearer…

praying for you.

...alignment...

2010-07-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

Maybe I need to spend some time in the afternoons writing…as I come to the end of the day, I find myself at a loss of words… it could be the extremely hot weather and the full day of staring at my computer and maybe I simply do not feel like typing… but I’ll give it a go anyway.

And sometimes it just takes priming the well a bit before things come back… Sometimes we need to sit and start before we have the thoughts to ‘go with’ … I think this goes with most anything… sometimes the Lord gives us the first step without showing us where the journey will end… sometimes we have to simply start with discipline and the rest will flow out naturally without reservation… but that initial step always seems to be the most difficult.

I have had some intense back and neck pain lately. A few weeks ago I threw something out of alignment while playing tennis with my nephew. One moment everything was dandy, and then next I was in agony… (Of course I had to save face and continue to play for another hour…) the intense pain lingered for a few days and subsided once everything settled into place. Although, they did not settle in alignment, and because of that, the subtle pain has spread to my neck, hips and lower back. Not only has my frame been affected, but the rest of my body has also become distressed over the unnatural alignment. Running up and down the spine is the nervous system, which connects the brain to the body. As we all know, the nervous system is the communication highway to and fro between the brain and the members of the body.

I believe God will use anything to speak to us.

I know what it is like to be out of alignment and I know what it is like to be in perfect alignment. Being out of alignment causes issues with the rest of your body, sometimes noticeable, and other times seemingly subtle. One could probably live all their lives without having their spine adjusted and be okay, but when brought into proper alignment the difference would cause one to question why they lived in such agony beforehand.

There are precautions we can take to help prevent our backs from going out of alignment. This mainly revolves around our posture. If we posture ourselves well, we will not have to worry about going out of alignment. Proper exercise, core muscle strengthening, and stretching are also key to staying aligned.

And by now you are probably wondering if I am being paid by a chiropractor to write a recommendation for their wonderful services… but… I am not… well except advertising for the great Chiropractor named Jesus ☺

Like I said before, God will speak through anything.

The metaphors and analogies run deep and wide within this situation. I've only begun to discover the revelations and mysteries of what God is attempting to communicate at this point in time.

I think I will break this entry up into two or three parts.

I’ll leave you with this thought and let you ponder the above scenario. Imagine your relationship with God being the spine.

Is your spine out of ‘alignment’ and because of this you have great pain? (In other words, have you considered the position of your relationship with God (or lack there of) a part of the current turmoil in your life?

Have you experienced your ‘spine’ adjusted? Have tasted the difference of being in alignment compared to being out of alignment? (In other words: Have you tasted the difference of having an authentic relationship with Christ will make in your daily life?)

If you have experienced being in alignment, is it time for an adjustment? (In other words: If you have a relationship with Christ, when was the last time you went to him to be adjusted back to his heart? Are you in need of being re-aligned?)

Ha. Going to the chiropractor for the first time can be a bit scary. (Anything new and unknown can be a bit scary actually.) But there is nothing like having all your bones in proper position, and your body functioning at its highest ability. (So it is with Jesus… sometimes it can be a bit scary to go to Him… But getting put back together in proper working order feels so great.)

I hope to leave you with more thoughts on this tomorrow. Thanks for journeying with me on this exciting adventure seeking out freedom in truth. As always, praying for you.

.am.

...those pesky little foxes...

2010-06-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

If you’ve read any of my thoughts lately, I am sure you’ll quickly discover the common denominator of wrestling with actions of the habitual nature of humanity… more precisely, my own actions and habitual nature. The wrestling match continues. It seems to be the season of weeding out the ‘little foxes’ from the garden.

‘Catch for us the foxes,
the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards,
our vineyards that are in bloom.’

Song of Solomon 2:15

I always wondered about this verse in the love poem of Solomon. I never understood what foxes had to do with anything. Weeding, watering, proper sun, pruning, these all make sense in my mind, but foxes? My only experience with foxes was in London. They howled in the city streets late at night, rummaging around the trash looking for a bite to eat. So I asked the question: What do foxes have to do with vineyards in bloom?

I went on a little word search to understand what Solomon was talking about. (Here is a great resource for studying the Bible: http://www.blueletterbible.org/index.cfm check it out.)

First, the vineyard in bloom is an allegory for the fruit of genuine love beginning to bloom between Solomon and his beloved. Simply put, the vineyard represents the relationship between Solomon and his beloved. Anyone knows a well-tended vineyard will produce a more bountiful harvest than a vineyard neglected and left alone. So it is with any relationship. As we intentional tend and nurture a relationship, it will be bountiful and fruitful. So... what do foxes have to do with vineyards in bloom? This type of fox roamed around silently and in solitary ways. It was shy, suspicious, and difficult to catch because of its skittishness. Not only was this fox a plunderer of ripened grapes, it also burrowed in the ground, disrupting the roots of the vines. As you can imagine, a vineyard with these pesky animals (as cute as they may be…) could be quickly ruined without proper investigation and action. Solomon was speaking of things that would disrupt, discourage growth, and steal the fruit of their glorious relationship.

So. The wrestling match continues. I am on the hunt for the little foxes that disrupt, discourage, and steal the fruit of my relationship with Christ. These 'foxes' seem to be skittish, silent, and borrow themselves at the root of the vine. One such ‘fox’ was uncovered this morning as I sat with the Lord (once it is uncovered, one has to set out to catch and kill the little hound… in other words, the journey begins by exposing our sin, but this is not intended to be a stopping point. We must be intentional about the removal of our previously habitual and sinful ways and dedicated to cultivating our new life.)

Back to the hairy beast I uncovered this morning. As I sat with the Lord I realized my intense frustration with the inconvenience of being obedient to His instruction. As I pondered this frustration and asked the Lord what was really going on I discovered how my mind and soul have been infiltrated with the ways of our culture. Have you ever noticed the convenience of our society? I've been pondering this a lot lately. Do you ever stop and think about where your produce comes from? Do you ever wonder about the livelihood of the person who made your burger at McDonald's? Do you know the hands that made those fireworks you will enjoy exploding on the 4th? We live in such great luxury and convenience... we don’t have to work at anything. We work to make money so we can conveniently and cheaply consume.

I realized I've been swallowed up by the convenience of the American way of life, and it has threatened to infiltrate my relationship with Jesus. I find myself frustrated that my relationship with Christ does not function with the same ease and convenience of our fast pace society. And then, in the moment of frustration I am tempted to think something is wrong with me, or with God. This frustration can quickly turn into discouragement, then sadness, depression, and then despair. Left alone in this torrent we’ll quickly forget all that God is and all that He has done.

Praise Jesus for His grace.

I have found the ‘need of convenience’ to be a little fox attempting to burrow himself in my vineyard with the intentions of stealing the fruit I have labored intensely to cultivate. I will not have it.

(Now, do not hear me say ‘I hate convenience’. I am very grateful for the resources and opportunities we have access to in this country. What I am saying is a complete reliance upon these conveniences can be dangerous. And often times we do not recognize our complete reliance upon convenience. I have found myself reluctant to put time and energy into anything that will take any amount of effort. And I don’t see this in the life of Christ. Christ didn’t say, ‘Welp, it's not really convenient for me to go to the cross today, there must be an easier way… I’ll skip out on this part of the plan of God and see if there is something else that comes along.’ Convenience appeals to our flesh, and our flesh is in constant battle with our spirit man. I desire to cultivate a life where I live to gratify the spirit rather than the flesh. One is eternal the other is temporary. I can live to gratify my soul, but my reward will be stored up on this earth, temporary, and fleeting.)

The diligent work of being a devoted disciple of Christ might be challenging, difficult, and costly, but nothing will compare to hearing the words of a proud Father saying, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant…’ (Matthew 25:21).

Just as Solomon said to his beloved… So Jesus says to us:

‘Catch for us the foxes,
the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards,
our vineyards that are in bloom.’

The costly work of being in relationship with Jesus will be worth it all… keep running.

Praying for you.

.am.

...faith and reason...

2010-06-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting experience about a week ago. Little did I know the whole week would lead up to a revelation that has forever changed my life. As I've said before, the Lord does not waste any circumstance we find ourselves in. If we are looking for Him, we will find Him. If we are seeking His voice, we will hear it. It wasn’t the most pleasant week. There weren't any depressing circumstances, but I was just a bit down. Later I realized I was walking around with a guilty conscious… meaning, there were things I had done wrong during the week yet I refused to step into grace by way of repentance. I wasn’t intentionally refusing repentance, it seems independence is a tendency we humans have. Maybe at the root of this trend is pride, wanting to be my own savior, wanting to be self-sufficient and make it on my own… because as fallen humanity we have a deep need to prove and re-establish ourselves, we still try and make up for humanities original fault: disobedience…

If only I could re-establish relationship with God… If only I could make up for my faults… If only I could be perfect and prove myself to God… If only I could reconcile myself… If only I could break free from all this mess… How often we try to fix ourselves!!! Yet, Christ has already done all these things. Completely. There is no other price to pay, there is no more debt for sin, and there is no more bondage when we are in Christ. Pride keeps us from recognizing truth.

I find this part of our fleshly nature (trying to live independent of God) absolutely hysterical and incredibly obnoxious. Pride tries so hard to take control and choke out all the potential that lies inside of each of us. Pride keeps us from recognizing the truth: when we are weak, we are strong. When we die, we live. When we are humble we will be exalted. As we sell all we own and give it to the poor, then we will be rich. As we empty ourselves of everything, we are filled beyond measure. Forgiveness, grace, and mercy are the ways of true vengeance. Pride keeps us from recognizing truth.

Most of all, pride keeps the ground of our minds fertile for the seeds of ‘reason’ to flourish.

And this is the revelation I had last week. I realized I had been reasoning myself out of obedience to His call. The experience went something like this: God asked me to do something and I called it unreasonable, irrational, absurd, ridiculous, and foolish. Because of my rational thinking, I reasoned myself out of obedience to something that I was to do in FAITH. Walking with God can never come through reason or rational. Faith and reason are completely opposites, its like oil and water, they will never mix. When we act in disobedience to the instruction of the Holy Spirit we end up grieving Him. Think about it this way: You are in a relationship, you and your friend have promised each other to serve one another in love, whatever the cost. One day you ask your friend, whom you love, to do something really important. Your friend, whom claims to love you, utterly and completely disregards what you’ve asked of them, not only to they disregard you, but they think only of themselves and do whatever they feel like doing in that moment… not paying any attention to you… avoiding you… and when they’ve recognized they’ve done wrong they continue to avoid you rather than apologize…

Wouldn’t you be saddened and a bit hurt? Why would it be any different with God?

I have found myself doing this very thing with God lately. He asks of me to do something, and instead I end up talking myself out of it and then doing whatever I feel like doing... I am so thankful that God is not like me, in that He doesn't throw me out and say 'forget you!' everytime I mess up. He opens his arms with loving kindness and grace as I recognize my wrong and apologize.

I guess I am trying to point out three things today. First, we can’t have a ‘reasonable faith’. Walking with God does not always make sense. The things He will ask us to do will not always be rational… in fact they might even be foolish, absurd, and absolutely irrational from our point of view. But if He asks us to do something, we must trust and be obedient in faith. He has purpose beyond our understanding and sight for the things He asks us to do.

Second. If we choose to live in our rational mindset trying to rationalize every single instruction of God, we’ll end up being disobedient and bring sadness to the heart of God. Disobedience sets our feet upon a path walking away from God.

(I wish there was another word for disobedience… We associate disobedience to following a set of rules, but that is not what I am talking about… I am talking about the relational disobedience as mentioned above. Walking with God in submission to His instruction is because we recognize His great love for us… that He is bigger than us… that He sees, understands, and comprehends more than us… that He gave His life for us so we might have abundant life in Him… It is because of His love for us that we would even consider walking in submission to His ways over our own.)

Third. The moment we set ourselves up on the path of disobedience we miss out on all the blessings of God. Simple obedience is crucial in these days. And living a life of rational is the tactic of the enemy to keep us from entering into the full blessing of God.

A simple story to finish: Last week, I was getting ready to attend a small group meeting. I usually bring my guitar and lead a time of worship. As I was picking up my guitar to head out of my house, I heard a small voice saying: ‘Don’t take your guitar.’ I thought to myself: ‘What? That makes no sense… I am the worship leader…’ (Comedy right there… it is the Holy Spirit that is the worship leader… and we don’t need instruments to worship God… worship is a way of living, not a 15 minute time slot of music during a church service… music is an important aspect of worship, but not the only way to worship…) Anyhoo. I start to walk out of my room with the guitar and I hear the same words, ‘Don’t take your guitar.’ Thinking I was crazy, I turned around and put my guitar back on the ground, and walk out of my house. And you know, God showed up in that meeting in a powerful way… and he used the testimony of my ‘simple obedience to the irrational call’ as an encouragement to many…

I believe God wants to completely obliterate the mindset of following a ‘set of rules’... This is something the Church is currently known for… a bunch of rules... but the Lord wants to show the world that He desires relationship, not regulations. With every act of simple obedience, done with great love, that fortified wall of ‘religiosity’ will come crashing down… I can’t wait for that day.

It all comes down to love.

Stop reasoning yourselves out of obedience… step out in faith upon what you are being called to do… It is better to fall forward moving toward God than to fall backwards moving away…

Praying for you.

.am.

... sowing good seed...

2010-06-23T07:09:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering the seasons lately, not just natural seasons (although I do find myself wondering why the weather seems to think it's early March rather than late June…) but the spiritual seasons of life as well. Jesus talked about knowing the season we are in, in other words, we are to seek God and ask what He is up to in our lives so that we might come into alignment and agreement with His purposes (this isn’t always an individual thing either, it is important to know what God is wanting to do in our families, in our church, in our business… you name it. If we lack vision and understanding then our lives will pass us by before we know it, and we’ll have missed what we were purposed for.)

We don’t think much about the importance of seasons anymore… (Unless we are avid gardeners…) but back in the day, the seasons meant livelihood. Success of planting and harvesting meant the difference between life and death. Knowing the seasons and when to sow seed was crucial for life. God often uses the natural things of the world to highlight spiritual principle. Just as there are seasons to plant seed and seasons to harvest a crop, so there are seasons in our spiritual lives to sow seed and harvest. (And if one is wise he will prepare the field for seed to be planted, he will plow, weed, fertilize… otherwise the seed that is planted will have a hard time growing in the uncultivated soil, seeds will be choked out by weeds, and the proper nutrients a plant needs for fertile growth will be lacking.) I would suggest this same principle applies to our spiritual life as well.

If a farmer misses the proper time of sowing seed and decides to sow later in the season, his harvest will be minimal and nowhere near as bountiful as it would be if he'd planted at the appropriate time. If God has us in a season of ‘sowing seed’ and we fail to sow, then our harvest in the season to come will be minimal. Its not that complicated, whatever you sow will be what you reap in the season to come. If you sow generously you’ll get a generous harvest (I am not talking about money, the principle is FAR greater than money… and sadly the church and Christians alike have been so fixed on ‘money’.) If you sow a bunch of seed, you'll get a big harvest, if you sow sparingly, your harvest will be sparing. If you sow ‘good seed’ you’ll reap the benefits of a ‘good harvest’ (good seed means pure seed). If you sow bad seed then you’ll end up with a bad harvest (bad seed means the batch of seed was tainted with other seed.)

You will reap what you sow. It is not some high and lofty idea, it is as simple as: you plant a sunflower seed, you will get a sunflower plant… if you plant a green bean, you’ll get a harvest of green beans.

If you sow into your life and others an attitude of love, grace, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, patience, generosity… then you will reap those things. If you sow for yourself bitterness, hatred, unforgiveness, resentment, anger, complaining… you’ll reap a harvest of those things.

And here is the kicker… we are always sowing spiritual seed whether we are intentional or not… Our attitude, our words, our heart motives, our prayers, your thoughts, and especially our actions are all seed… and we are constantly scattering seed...

We can either be intentional about sowing good seed in this season or we can be lackadaisical… either way we will reap the harvest we sow… intentionally sown or not. But a good harvest of good seed is never unintentional… I know I've said this about 5 times in this short writing... but it is so incredibly crucial that we understand.

So. What’s my point?

For me, and many others, this seems like a critical season of sowing… there is a renewed reverence within me to take hold of this season and be diligent in sowing good seed. I have the same reverent fear the old time farmers had… I know that the season of ‘spring’ is upon me and I best get my butt in gear to plant those seeds or else come harvest time I might not have what I need to sustain me… and not just sustain me, but others around me.

It is a crucial season. Don’t let it pass you by.

I've made a list of things that I want to be intentional about sowing ‘good seed’ into… maybe this act will help you be intentional too.

Jesus, show us what ‘good seed’ looks like and help us be diligent to plant it.

Blessings to you.

.am.

Here are some scriptures/passages to meditate on about sowing seed:

Matthew 13, Mark 4, Luke 8, 1 Corinthians 15, 2 Corinthians 9, Proverbs 11:18
Isaiah 55, Hosea 10:12, Galatians 6

thoughts on 'salvation'

2010-06-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up out of a disturbing dream. In the dream there was fighting going on and a young man had been severely beaten, bloody and bruised we were not sure if he would live. I quickly went to his side and began to pray, then I asked him, ‘do you know who Jesus is?’ He looked up at me, scared, with great desperation in his eyes and says, ‘I've heard of Him but I want to know more. Tell me.’ And I instantly woke up.

In the dream, my thoughts were racing. I was a bit torn too. There was a voice inside me saying ‘Wow, what kind of question is that, asking if he knew who Jesus was? How inconsiderate to the desperate situation.’ And then there was a voice saying: ‘Life is not only on this earth, eternity is knocking on his door, this kid needs to know that God loves him so much to make a way for him to come home.’ I boldly disregarded the first voice, knowing that it was simply a lie trying to rob another precious Son of God from the eternal destiny purchased for him by Christ.

And the moment I woke up, I began to ponder what I would have said in that situation… there are only moments left in this kids earthly life, what would I tell him? I was astonished and abhorred at my fumbling for words… (Granted I had just woken up… and was possibly still half asleep…) But it got me thinking about what it takes to be saved by Jesus. As I woke I replayed the situation in my head and pondered what words I would use. The first replay was filled with religious jargon and extra stuff that didn’t matter so much… I quickly realized this wouldn’t do, the kid would have died before I had gotten past the part where Adam and Eve sinned in the garden… I then replayed the situation in my mind a second time, coming up with a shorter more concise explanation of whom Jesus is… and this also seemed to be puffed up with religious fluff (while all from the bible, and true, the kid didn’t need to know all that stuff for his soul to be captured in the arms of grace.) I finally came to the realization that the only thing needed was simply calling upon the name of Jesus. The thief being crucified on the cross next to Christ entered into my mind. The thief asked Jesus, ‘remember me when you enter into your kingdom’ and Jesus replied, ‘I tell you this day, you will be with me in paradise.’ (Luke 23:42-43)

It is really that simple. Everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved. I think us religious folk have made it really complicated to come to Christ (just as the religious folk or pharisees did back in the bible days… trying to make people conform to the all the written laws… but that was the old way… Jesus made a new way, and it is the way of Grace… there is much to say about that… but I’ll get back to the main point right now…) Religious folk have made it way too complicated to come to Jesus, not only that but we’ve made it so complicated that we don’t even know how to share the good news with someone. We’ve taken things that were created as tools to help share Jesus with people and we’ve made them rules… you can only be a Christian if you take this step, and that, and say this perfect prayer written up for you… then you are saved. I don’t think those tools are bad, but I do think the bottom line is this: If you call on the name of Jesus you’ll be saved.

The Spirit of God cannot be fooled either. God knows when our hearts are truly calling out for Him or when they are simply paying lip service, wanting a quick fix to our circumstances. Who am I to judge? That is between you and God. But I am responsible for sharing the good news of Jesus.

I spent this morning looking up stories and accounts in the bible about being ‘saved’, and ‘salvation’. I read things like:

‘Your faith has saved you; go in peace.’ (Luke 7:50)

A man asked: ‘What must I do to be saved?’ They answered: ‘Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved - you and your household’ (Acts 16:31).

…Confess with your mouth ‘Jesus is Lord’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead and you will be saved (Romans 10:8-10).

Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. (Romans 10:13, Joel 2:32)

(There are plenty more scriptures I could share about why we need to be saved, why God would save us… but I’ll let you seek out the word of God and discover them yourselves…)

I guess the reoccurring theme is this: we come to a point in our lives where we recognize we can’t do it on our own. Sometimes it takes coming to the end of ourselves and we find it lonely and dark around us as though we were in a big pit. For others there is simply a hunger and thirst deep within them saying ‘there has to be more to life than this…’ In either circumstance or any other, there is a God who loved you so much that He decided to do what it would take to make a way for you and Him to be together. So, that’s just what He did, He did what it took. And the way to be in his loving embrace is to call upon the name of Jesus. The way to fill that seemingly bottomless void within your heart is to call upon Jesus, and ask Him to fill it. Everything else in life will come vibrantly alive when you have the life of Jesus living and breathing inside.

That is the glorious first step of a new life.

And just like any exciting journey… it begins with a single step…. But who begins an adventurous journey and stops walking after a single step?

Anyhoo. I’ll leave you with a passage from the Paul’s letter to the Ephesians.

Blessings to you.

Ephesians 2:1-10:

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

.Your ways, O God, are holy.

2010-06-11T23:10:00.000-07:00

Your ways, O God, are holy. I will mediate on all your works; I will meditate on your mighty deeds… (Psalm 77:12 & 13)

I have been pondering this verse for the past 48 hours. Sometimes the words in the bible leap off the page and come alive… This simple phrase is one of them.

Your ways, O God, are holy.

Think about that for a minute.

(Sometimes the word ‘holy’ can be a bit scary. It simply means to be set apart, sacred, and separate. While this word might be simple at its core, the implications of true holiness run deep and wide.)

God’s ways are holy.

The prophet Isaiah writes another illustration of this. God says through him:

‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and neither are your ways my ways’ says the Lord.’ (Isaiah 55:8)

There are often times where things do not shape up the way I envision them to, or circumstances chaotically arise and throw life into a disorganized frenzy. And sometimes these crisis or situations were not purposes or desired by God, but come about because of our choices.

(Please note that I am not saying your current circumstances are a complete outcome of your own doing… I am simply sharing what I am discovering on my journey with the Lord… you will have to ask the Lord if your circumstances are a product of your own choice… or if there is a situation He is bringing you through to strengthen and prepare you… In either case, good choice or bad, God will not waste anything… so even if we make a wrong choice and walk through the consequences, He will use the bad choice for our good… but it doesn’t mean the choice was on the heart of God. Sometimes we go through stormy seasons of life that propel us to the next ‘level’ or season, and then there are other times where we face trail and difficult circumstances because we made a choice. You will have to ask the Lord which you are in, and respond appropriately… If he reveals that you are in a dire situation because of a choice you have made, then simply repent and ask for his forgiveness, then inquire of the Lord what would to do next. The quickest path out of a sticky situation we’ve created is first repentance, and then a swift act of obedience…)

Sometimes I think I mistake my ways for God’s ways. Sometimes I make choices that bring me to a circumstance or situation that I was never meant to be in and then I blame God, or get angry with God, or get myself entangled in affairs I had no business in getting involved with in the first place. When this happens, I end up missing the original intentions on the heart of God. Not only do I miss out on His original intentions, but I also set other people up to miss out as well.

A great illustration of this is King David… I’ll give you a quick outline of the story, but if you want to read the whole story it is located in 2 Samuel, chapter 11.

Basically, King David was meant to be out on the battlefield, rather he chose to stay at home… That was his first mistake; he was out of his purposed position… a seemingly simple thing. But it proved to be a fatal blow. (Side note: It is so crucial in these days to follow in complete obedience to the heart of God even in the smallest of details… of course there is abundant grace, we are not perfect and it is not about following a bunch of rules and regulations… God is looking for people who will follow His call no matter the cost… He is looking for people who will surrender everything, even their greatest heart’s desire… He is looking for a people who will trust Him so much so that they will lay down their entire lives for Him…)

Right. So, King David who is meant to be out at war (first bad choice, he is in the wrong position and sets himself up for further bad choices…) finds himself up on his rooftop… sees a beautiful woman… lust after her, inquires about her, ends up sleeping with her (she is a married woman), she gets pregnant, David sets up a plan to cover it up, ends up putting her husband on the front lines to insure he would die, then David takes the woman as his wife to make himself look like a good king who ‘takes care of the widow’…

Talk about a spiral downward! That first positional choice set David up for incredible consequences. It was never God’s intention or heart for David to commit adultery, murder, and lie.

God’s ways are holy.

Even after David made the simple but fatal mistake of staying home rather than doing what he knew he should be doing… God in his kindness and mercy still called David a ‘man after God’s heart’. I find that amazing, and beautiful.

BUT there is also one other thing. If you continue to read the story of David and his affair with Bathsheba, you’ll see that there was never a real end to the heartache and grief within the family of David. Because of his choice, to stay home rather than go do what Kings do, his whole family ended up suffering.

Our choices can have a profound impact on those around us… not just those we currently know, but those in our future as well.

God is all about redemption, making the wrong things right, restoring and healing, bringing beauty for ashes, joy for sorrow… God is all about those things, that is why Jesus came. But God also lets us make choices. And somehow in some way, even when we go astray, He makes all things work out for our good…

So I guess, in the words of Paul, ‘it is better if you do not sin, but incase you do, we have Jesus who extends abundant grace…’

God’s ways are holy, and He is faithful to His promises… When He speaks and declares something, we can be sure it will come to pass. BUT we also have to align our hearts and minds with His heart and purpose, otherwise His plans and desires of us might well be delayed… Just look at Israel traveling through the desert… the journey from Egypt to Israel was not intended to take 40 years…

We don’t have to wonder around for 40 years… we can choose this day to surrender and follow His way… It will be far more glorious if we do.

I have much more to say regarding these things… maybe more thoughts tomorrow.

Blessings to you.

...it's been a while...

2010-06-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

Indeed. It has been a while since I've written anything public. Sometimes we go through seasons in life where the working out of our internal 'stuff' has to be done inwardly and privately before it can be shared outwardly. I think I've been in one of those seasons...

Sometimes things aren't what they seem. What I mean by this is exactly what Mr. Miyagi said in the original Karate Kid. (I am sure I watched this movie back in the day, but I probably wasn't old enough to really 'get it' ... I recently revisited the film and it had a profound impact... I think this is one of my all time favorites... there are so many parallels to a relationship with Jesus in this film... I love it.)

I was listening to a pastor share a bit of his life story, and he ended up played all the 'lesson' clips from the Karate Kid. And His point was this: The seemingly mundane things in life, or the things that we are called to do now are preparation for what is to come... and sometimes we simply can't see it... until... it is revealed... we don't know why we have to go through some seemingly meaningless situation a 100 times... or why we find ourselves on a side journey doing something the seemingly does not fit into anything whatsoever...

BUT the reality is, as we listen to the instructions of our 'Sen-se' and we follow His lead... then there will always be great purpose in the mundane... He knows what he is doing.

And I am once again brought back to the simple question of: will you be faithful with the little?

Daniel san had to be faithful with the little bit (painting a fence, waxing the cars)... and it would prove to be foundational for everything else He learned...

Here are the clips I watched a month ago... I pray that the Lord would speak to you through them... Know that God is working in your life, whether you see it or not... I pray we'd surrender and trust.

I think my favorite clip is the last one... where Daniel san gets the revelation that all his hard work over the past week was not in vain, but there was great purpose behind it... May it be so for us as well... May you receive insight and revelation into the glories that you are being prepared for!

Blessings to you.

.am.

not 'if'... but... WHEN!

2010-04-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

4/17/09:

God is so loving and faithful, he is compassionate and quick to forgive when we turn and seek his face. There is truly nothing that can separate us from his love. NOTHING!

I am learning how to stand in the truth that God has spoken over me and about me. There are things that He thinks of me, and he is lining my thoughts up with those truths. It is a long journey of daily choosing to walk in faith, discerning the lies and then taking every thought captive… making them lower then my feet… but not only taking captive every thought and making them obedient to Christ, but then embracing all that he says and speaks. I am learning to walk in the truth… with every step and with every breath, living and breathing truth.

......

There is a deep desire in my heart to bud and flourish in all that God has said I will be. He doesn't lie. When he speaks, He means it. When he calls us His children, His beloved, His most valued creation, He means it. I'm still learning to throw off all the things that hinder the wings of truth to take flight in my life. It's an exciting adventure. The question in my mind is no longer: if I ever get there... to the point of freedom... now the declaration is: When I get there...!

Psalm 34:

1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

...as I have loved you...

2010-04-01T23:15:00.001-07:00

I've read this a hundred times, I’m sure. I've heard it a thousand times, too. But tonight new life and meaning were breathed into these words of Jesus…

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35

… as I have loved you… so you must love one another…

those words keep echoing in my head, in my heart, in my spirit…

as I have loved you…
as I have loved you…
as I have loved you.

So you must love one another.

I love that Jesus wasn’t just talking to Peter, or just to James, or just to John… but he was talking to all of the disciples. I think I've often read this passage as an individual thinking it is my duty to love as I have been loved… but this is not a call to the individual, this is a call to the body of Christ. It was a call to the disciples corporately. ‘Each of YOU, love each OTHER… just as I have loved you.’ This is a communal effort… not just an individual thing. In fact… we can’t do this kind of loving on our own… its not a one man show… this kind of love that God calls us to is a communal thing.

And maybe that is why it struck a chord within me tonight. I've been pondering about true and authentic Christ-like love and what that looks like. We rarely see this kind of persistent, patient, enduring, compassionate, gracious, merciful, tender, bold and sacrificial love in our culture. We may catch glimpses of it here and there… but I am not satisfied with that. Christ didn’t say, ‘love one another when you feel like it, love others on your good days, love others only if they love you back, love when it is convenient for you.’ He said, ‘As I HAVE LOVED YOU…’ Why is it that we see so many marriages falling apart, so many friendships wavering, and so many ‘Kleenex’ style relationships? (Kleenex style relationships meaning: I’ll use ya for what I need and then throw ya away when I don’t need ya anymore.)

And so, if Jesus said that ‘…love one another… by this all men will know you are my disciples, if you love one another’ …why don’t we see more love? If we want the world to see Jesus, why don’t we love like He said to?

It probably has something to do with the fact that It is hard to love like Jesus. When I think about my own relationship with Jesus and all the patience he shows me, all the grace he gives, all the times he listens to me whine and wallow in self-pity, all the times he waits upon me to realize I can’t do it on my own, how he sticks it out with me even when I want to give up on him… wow… that is incredible… and Jesus wants me to be like that for other people!? That’s just plain hard. But… I guess when you experience that kind of love, a love that doesn’t just drop ya like a hot potato when you mess up, a love that picks you up when you fall down, a love that sees the mess that you are and yet calls you beautiful, wonderful, and lovely… I guess when you experience this amazing love you are compelled to give it away.

Maybe the reason why we haven’t stepped into this call of loving each other with the love of Christ is because we haven’t really experienced the love Christ has for us. Maybe our perception of God and his love is skewed… maybe we need the Holy Spirit to breathe a fresh the wonders of His love...

As Jesus gave this last command He was on his way to take upon his shoulders the sin of the world… He was getting ready to stand in the gap for our brokenness and death… and he prophesies: ‘as I have loved you… so you must love one another…’

He calls us to do the same thing.

So. What does it look like to love one another as Christ has loved us?

I guess to answer that question, we’ve got to get in touch with Jesus. We’ve got to ask him what his love is like for us. He displayed the fullness of his love on the Cross… ‘while we were still sinners… Christ died for us… the righteous for the unrighteous, the just for the unjust… He displayed his love by taking what we deserved and giving us what he deserved…’

What would happen if we really lived loved? What would it look like if we began to live and breathe out of the overflow of the reality that we are completely and utterly loved?

And what if our love was patient and kind… what if our love was not envious… what if our love didn’t boast, what if our love was not proud… what if our love was not rude, self-seeking, and not easily angered… what if our love kept no record of wrongs… what if our love never delighted in evil but rejoiced with truth… what if our love always protected others, always trusts, what if our love always was hopeful… what if our love always persevered…

I reckon we all claim to love… but what kind of love is it?

I want to love with the love of Christ… not my own version… and I guess that requires allowing myself to be loved.

Praying that we all get a taste of the Love of God for us in this season of remembering Jesus…

my desire.

2010-03-15T23:09:00.000-07:00

.a prayer of my heart.

I am learning how to eagerly and expectantly wait upon the Lord for future blessings while being present and able to listen and be obedient to His voice today.

Father, I desire to have a pure heart. I desire to have a heart abandon to you. I desire to have a heart that is willing to risk everything for the sake of your love. I desire a heart that longs to see you glorified above all others. I desire a heart that will lay down its every desire to see the fulfillment of your destiny and plan for my life. I desire to have a heart that is completely satisfied with you, by your love. I desire a heart that is made whole. I desire a heart that is wholly devoted to you. I desire a heart that remains humble before you. I desire a heart that seeks after your heart and your kingdom. I desire a heart that is steadfast. I desire a heart full of faith. I desire a heart that beats as one with the father’s heart. I desire a heart that is broken with the things that break your heart. I desire a heart that moves in swift obedience. I desire a heart that is open to all that you have. I desire a heart that remains soft and pliable. I desire a heart that is overflowing with the love of Christ. I desire a heart that is sacrificial. I desire a heart that is selfless. I desire a heart of worship. I desire a heart of adoration of my king. I desire a heart surrendered completely to Jesus. I desire a heart that is fixated upon the king of glory. I desire a heart of passion. I desire a heart that would lay down my life for the one I love. May my heart beat with your heart? May our hearts be one? Jesus I cry out for your mercy, come and touch my heart with the fullness of your love. May the Holy Spirit come and sustain my life. Grant me a willing spirit that I might remain in the will of the Father and continue to be obedient to his every word. May your favor rest upon me Jesus. May you hear the desires of my heart and grant them unto me because my delight is in you Lord. I want what you want Jesus.

remembering...

2010-02-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

This is a post I wrote a year ago... I read it tonight and it spoke to me once again... so I thought I would re-post it... these are some of the very things I've been thinking about today actually... funny how things roll around again, and again... and then again...

Blessings to you...

March 30, 2009:

Well. It has been a while.

I still haven't learned the art of being faithful and consistent with things I know I should do. Other things often spring up like ugly weeds choking out the beautiful things attempting to grow in our lives. Any gardener knows that pulling weeds regularly is important, unless you want the weeds to flourish in your garden and take over what is meant to be there.

All that to say, I still am learning to be faithful to write down my thoughts.

I was looking back at some of my journal entries... and they greatly encouraged me, reminding me of the Faithfulness of God... calling into remembrance the desert places he has brought me up out of and into lands flourishing with 'milk and honey'. He truly is faithful.

I am daily confronting the little voice that says, 'you have nothing good to say anyway, why are you writing?' The truth is, I have loads to say. I have words that bring Life. I have words that bring Love. And the words I speak or write are not my own, they are the words of Jesus. Some might say that is a very presumptuous statement, to say I speak the words of Jesus. But I say that with all humility in my heart, I am not perfect, I am not Jesus, but I am an ambassador of Him.

I guess I am just learning to stand on the truth of who I am IN Christ. There is no time to wallow around in self-doubt or hatred. There is no time to waste lingering in insecurity or fear. We have to rise up into all we were created to be, trusting in God to give us the grace to stand and walk with Him. All my hope is in Him. If He left me, I would be done. I would cease to be. Jesus is the only reason why I live.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth... so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103:22-13

Think about that for a few minutes. Think about how high the heavens, the universe is above the earth... now, that is how great his love is for you and me... think how far east goes away from the west... that is how separated we are from all our folly. That is incredible.

Blessings to you as you think about and consider Jesus.

.am.

.it's time to run.

2010-01-14T07:33:00.000-08:00

If you want to see a move of God, you must be faithful with the small things. God loves us so much that he will not move unless we are lined up with his plans and purposes… because his outpouring of his presence will utterly ruin us if we are not made right with him. In the bible we see people encountering the presence of God and they say with fear and trembling something to the effect of, ‘I should now die.’ His presence is so great, so over coming, so holy, that we cannot even live if we were to see him face to face. It would utterly ruin us. SO, out of the immense love God has for his people, he holds back the fullness of his glorious presence (on a wide scale level) until we are walking with him. God loves us so much that he doesn’t want to ruin us so he waits patiently upon us to yield to his word and his voice. He’ll lead us to a place of surrender so that He can mold us into vessels that can stand in the midst of his presence and not be utterly ruined… He wants to move… He desperately wants to pour out his glory and presence, to display the power of his love… But he is waiting for people to surrender.

Every move of God started with confession and repentance. This is because we must be right with God to carry the fullness of Him… He is not going to allow his presence to remain operating out of ‘unclean’ vessels anymore… NOTE: He’ll use broken people, imperfect people… that is different then ‘unclean’ … Unclean speaks of a person who has failed to recognize their sin, or acknowledges their patterns of behavior but fail to bring it before God to be transformed. God will always love, but we are coming into days where we have to walk up right before the Lord… (meaning we have to WALK the walk…) The bible CLEARLY says no one will see the Lord without holiness (Hebrews 12:14) You can not be holy if you are not ‘right’ (right in relationship) with the one who is Holy. The only way to adjust your relationship with God is to humbly come before him and acknowledge Who he is…(not who you THINK he is, but who HE says he is… sometimes there is a big difference… and this is why it is important to be in the word of God, so that we can get a clue as to who HE says he is.) We must come before him in these days and ‘expose’ our most shameful parts… because anything that we are hiding, he will lay bare… we get to choose to do it, or he will do it (I am saying this to leaders of the church, who are in positions to ‘shepherd the flock’ of followers of Christ… The Lord is giving us the opportunity in these days to come before him and confess privately and within a small group of people… and if we do not choose this way, then HE WILL do the exposing and it will not be a pleasant experience.) God will no longer tolerate leaders who walk in their own ways, according to their own flesh and desires. We have the opportunity now to move out of the way so that God and move, or He will move us out of the way… He would rather us choose the first. And believe me, we should desire the first option too.

I guess what I am getting at is that God will not answer our cries for a move of God until we surrender our lives to him and allow him to shape in us a character that will be able to stand in His presence (and this would be the character of Christ.) He has to refine us, test us, and purify our hearts and motives… He will not build his Kingdom on anything less than HIS foundation. Revival will not come unless we ‘get on our faces’ and cry out for God to first revive our own hearts. And he doesn't need us to be perfect, but he needs us to be walking with him...

And here is the thing. God is not going to hold back forever. There will come a day when he pours out his glory and love in a mighty way, that all men will see and know Jesus. And anything not standing on His firm foundation will be shaken… and what is in your heart will be exposed.

Practical questions for you: are you yielding to the word of God? Are you yielding your life to the voice of God, humble doing what he is asking you to do? Are you yielding to the prompting of the Holy spirit? Because if you will not be faithful with the small promptings of God, God will not be able to trust you with the greater works he has planned for you to do… I encourage you in these days not to fight against what God desires to do in your life. If he desires to break you, then yield… he will break you with gentleness and love. If He is asking you to confess something to some one, then please, I urge you to go and do it. If He is asking you to put something into practice in your life, then start! Whatever you sense it is that God is working on in your heart, then walk with him in it and don't give up!!! It is important in these days to be walking in the way he is leading us.

The time to run has come… let loose of all your extra baggage and all the things that weigh you down… because they are not going to matter much when you see the face of Christ. Let us run to Him!

...Hearing God's voice...

2010-01-11T22:21:00.000-08:00

This is a long one... but it is some simple insight I've gleaned on this journey with God and learning how to hear his voice! Enjoy!

1/11/10

I am learning to ask God about everything and listen for his voice in my moment by moment living. It has been quite an adventure. I am discovering that as we develop this act of ‘listening to His voice’ in our lives, God will begin to speak to us in very interesting ways… God can use anything to show us his character, truth, or bring deeper revelation of his glory, his word, or anything!

Check it out Psalm 19:1-4 The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. There voice goes out into all the art and their words to the ends of the world.

I mean, lets be honest, we do believe God is the creator of the universe right? He is the one who put the stars in the sky… he wired us, our whole nervous system, our brains… he knows how it all works… AND he knows each one of us intimately… HE KNOWS US! So surely he could use anything to bring us to a better understanding of WHO He is, and who we ARE because of what HE has done... He really just wants us to know him as He knows us…

So, as we learn to listen we will inevitably be closer to God and the closer we are, the better we see him (when I say SEE I don’t mean ‘seeing a physical shape or form’, by ‘see him’ I mean a sense of discovery… like suddenly looking upon someone you’ve known for a while, but then seeing something more in them than you’ve ever seen before… this is a girly example, but a good one: a boy is friends with a girl, but then there comes a moment in time when the boy ‘SEES’ the girl and in that moment realizes that he is crazy about her... that is what I mean by ‘see him’… we look upon him and discover something deeper and new that we’d never seen before… not that it hadn’t always been there, but our eyes are being opened to Him in a new way…) The better we see God, the better we KNOW him… and the better we know him, the deeper we fall in love with him.

So how do we learn to listen to God? How do we learn to discern his voice? I think the temptation here is to look for a specific formula and say this is how we do it… but God speaks to each of us differently. Why?! Because he made each of us wonderfully unique! For some, God speaks through pictures or images (this includes the imagination! God created the imagination, and when it is surrendered to the Holy Spirit it can be a powerful way of hearing God’s voice). For others, God might speak through moving pictures (in other terminology: visions). Others might hear God through dreams (Often times dreams are not literal, rather they are symbolic… so while some dreams might seem very strange they might actually carry a message from God). For others God might speak through feelings or the senses. And for others they may hear God’s voice through their thought process. These are all different ways we experience God voice (while there are myriads more, I am sure…) but there are also specific avenues God uses to speak to us. I am thinking of the Bible, through creation, through the lives of people, through story, through art and music, and worship.

It is crucial for us to know the Word of God when learning to hear his voice. Everything that God will speak must line up with biblical principle and truth. God will not speak against his written word. This will be a key for us as we’re learning how to discern and decipher what is really from God, what is from ourselves, our culture, and what might be a lie from the enemy. So everything we hear must be measured against the Word of God.

So how do we begin to develop listening? Again, I don’t have a formula or specific method, nor do I think there is ONE way of learning… But I do believe there are some examples and encouragements in the bible we can look at.

First off, Jesus says that ‘My sheep know my voice, and a stranger’s voice they will not follow.’ (Read more in John 10)

So right off the bat we can recognize and trust that we have this inherent and built in ability to HEAR God’s voice. We are his sheep. But we have to get to know our shepherd before we’ll follow his voice. The only way to do this is through Jesus. This means spending time and building a relationship with Him. This can be done by reading the bible, spending time with people who have a deep relationship with God, spending time in worship and prayer, serving others (again, these are not MUST DO steps, they are simply things I’ve found helpful). Just like building any relationship… it takes time, intentionality, listening and sharing, trust building, patience and grace… did I mention work?!

Jesus sent them off two by two… (Luke 10:1)

In my own journey of learning how to listen to God’s voice, it was very helpful to partner with others who have experience with hearing God’s voice. We would ask questions of each other about what each one was sensing, hearing, or seeing. Doing this as a small group was very helpful in building my faith in the grace that God has given me to hear his voice. Often times I would be thinking something in my head and then another person would speak out the very same thing. This was a confirmation to what I had been hearing/sensing and affirmed my faith. So group listening can be very effective as you start practicing hearing God’s voice.

Jer 29:12-14 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD

(Prayer is a form of communication with God, and it is not just one way. God hears our prayers, and He is intentional about answering… God might not answer our prayers in the way we hope for… this is often because God is working ALL things together for our good (Rom 8:38)… and sometimes, well, often times, we actually don’t know what is really be good for ourselves… we know what is most comfortable, and so we often times line our prayers up with comfort rather than the will of God. But as we pray according to the will of God, we know we have what we ask for (John 15:6-8). And one SURE way of praying in accordance to the will of God is to PRAY scripture! Because His word IS his will!)

Jer 33:3 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'

(Again, and example of calling to God and he speaking to us… This is a cool passage because it is the Lord speaking and telling us to CALL to him… and then he says He’ll answer… sweet!)

2 Chronicles 7:13-15 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.

(God hears us when we turn to him. He can not help but RUN toward us when we make a choice for him! Even if we are the worst of sinners… the moment we turn our face to God, he’ll hear our cry!)

Mat 7:7-11 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

(Here we have the promise of God again… He promises those who ask will receive, and those who seek, will find… He gives good gifts! SO. Knowing this about God’s character, we can take steps of faith upon this truth. We know in faith, based upon the promise of God, that if we ask to hear God’s voice then we’ll receive God’s voice! Start to let this very truth sink into your spirit… And when you ask God to speak, trust that he will… and as you begin to hear something, or get a thought, test it upon the word and character of Jesus and then walk in faith upon what you are hearing… and see what happens! )

Luke 10:38-42 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

We can see through the lives of Mary and Martha that JESUS says, Marry has chosen what is better! Mary chose to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to his words. Sometimes I think in our culture it is very easy to think that we need to be ‘DOING’ something or ‘making preparations’ (in other words being busy) but we can see here that Jesus delights in Mary’s desire to listen and hang upon every word of Christ… Jesus gives us permission to be still, and listen, to set time aside and be with him. We don’t always have to be ‘DOING’ to be getting ‘prepared’ Sometimes the best thing we can do is to be still and listen. And then, obviously, we will hear the voice of Christ say ‘Now, Go!’ and then at that point we shall go and do all that he says with all that we are, giving all glory to God!

Jesus did ONLY what he saw his Father doing, and Jesus said ONLY what his Father said. I believe that Christ desires the same to happen in our lives. Jesus prayed that we might be one with Him… so why would this very quality of oneness in action and word between Jesus and His father be exempt from us?

There is so much more I want to share. But this is a good start!

Praying that your ears may hear the voice of God in new ways each day!

...naked and unashamed...

2010-01-09T12:01:00.000-08:00

1/10/10

How can we walk in obedience to Christ if we never learn to hear his voice? And how can we learn to hear his voice if we never set aside time to listen?

And sometimes I squirm when I read that word obedience… don’t you? I think our culture has a very distorted perception of ‘obedience’… when we read that word we instantly think of tyranny, someone lording over us and making us be ‘obedient’, or abiding by rules and regulations… May I suggest that we need to take another look at what Christ means by ‘obedience’… again, we need to have the perspective of Christ, a renewing of our minds in these days…

Obedience in the bible is simply an act of submission to Christ because WE LOVE HIM. It is the action of our love for God. (I was just skimming the book of 1 John looking for this verse, but I believe it is a very important blue-print for the days ahead… there are some things in there that we MUST put into practice in our lives in these days… namely, Love.)

1 John 5:3 says this: This is love for God: to obey his commands.

So in our acts of obedience we are really saying ‘I love you Jesus!’ Being obedient is not so much about God lording over us, always waiting with a stick in hand to beat us over the head when we fall down and mess up… That is not God, and that should never be our motivation to be obedient… He calls us to walk in the way he has made so that we might live an abundant life in Christ… and as we choose to surrender to His way, we are declaring and decreeing by our actions “I LOVE YOU LORD!!”

So, I encourage us in these days to learn how to listen to the voice of Christ, leading us in His ways… Just begin to ask him to open your ears to hear his voice, and I can guarantee you will begin to hear… He has already said and promised that his sheep will hear his voice…

I could say much more about all that, and probably will in the days to come… but that is not what I was asked to write about today… So I’ll get to it ☺

Today the Lord asked me to do something that seemed foolish and ridiculous. And I had the choice to be obedient to the faint whisper, or continue sleeping. I’ve chose the ‘sleeping’ thing and ignored the Lord too many times to continue on in this path… so I got up and did what the Lord was asking. And he began to speak.

(Sometimes we have to move in faith before the revelation comes… if the Lord asks you to do something and you have no idea why, just do it in faith and give him the glory, inquire of him during and after… and then just trust that He is God and knows what he is doing…)

I believe God to be saying that he desires his bride (the church) to come before him naked and exposed, completely bare, not hiding anything. It is only when we are bare before him that he can set us free.

And here is the deal. We can either choose to expose ourselves in all our nakedness and shame before the Lord, or He will do the exposing. We fool ourselves to think that we can hide anything from God… He sees every part of us… (and the beauty of it is, HE LOVES US, just as we are… and when we get a hold of that truth it becomes bearable to present ourselves in all our shame before the God of the universe, because, we have the promise in Christ that he will not turn us away…)

He wants to clothe the church with robes of righteousness, but he can’t do that if we are still wearing our raggedy and dirty self-made garments… attempting to cover our shameful ways… we have to get naked before the Lord.

And he is doing this in the Church… He will leave no sin unexposed. All unrighteousness will be exposed. Christ has said it himself, He will have a pure and SPOTLESS bride… without blemish… And he is starting that process.

He desires to restore the freedom that Adam and Eve had in the garden before they were deceived. He wants us to be completely naked and unashamed before him, without anything to hide.

(Now, I am not saying lets all start running around naked… that would be called streaking… and probably offensive to a lot of people.. haha.) But I am saying, in our faith walk, where are the places that we ‘cover up’ and try to hide from God because we are ashamed? Here’s the deal… you were deceived! While you might have made the choice to sin… you were deceived by an enemy… and God knows that… but so long as you try and fix your shame and cover it up, God cannot heal it.

He is calling his bride to come forth, naked, so that he might take away our shame and clothe us with robes of righteousness. Will you listen to the call and present yourselves before the Lord, exposed? He’ll lovingly take you into his arms and lavish you with grace and mercy the moment you turn to him.

Love you all.

Attempting to walk with Him, live with faith, trust Him… and above all… love.

.am.

...fighting for rest...

2010-01-08T19:34:00.000-08:00

There are many things that I want to write about tonight. We’ll see what comes out…

First, I find it incredibly fascinating that in a single day it can seem like the whole world is crashing down around me. There is absolutely NOTHING horrible happening around me, no life threatening circumstances, all is well in the natural… But in the spiritual realm, in the unseen world around us, I sense there is a great war going on for the control of our hearts, minds, and souls. Maybe this sounds crazy to you, and that’s okay. Let me explain a bit more what I’ve been experiencing today.

Today it has taken EVERYTHING within me to fight for rest. I feel anxiety, fear, restlessness, worry, doubt, control, guilt and a myriad of other crazy things. And a lot of these things have been triggered by an oncoming transition into a new season (for me this new season is another semester of school… maybe it is a different season for you…) Transition and change can often cause stress… but it is what we do with this stress that determines whether we are drawing closer to Christ or traveling further away. For example: today I was suddenly overwhelmed by a list of things I needed to do this first week of school. In my own strength and energy I attempting to sort through this list, trying to organize it and place things in my calendar for the most efficient outcome. I think my thought process behind this was ‘I want to be most efficient so that I can give more time to God…’ God kindly interrupted my hectic scheduling frenzy with his lovely voice saying… ‘Am I in a hurry? Do you not think that I know what you need to do? The MOST efficient thing to do is to listen to my voice moment by moment and do what I say when I say to do it…’ I laughed… and then took a deep breath, apologized to the Lord, and stopped planning out all the extra things I needed to do.

It has been one of those very uncomfortable days where my flesh is screaming out ‘JUST LET ME TAKE CONTROL!!!! I CAN FIX ALL THIS DISORDER AND MAKE IT ALL RIGHT!!!’ and God is graciously and kindly inviting me to trust that He can do it… to say it bluntly… my flesh is dying, once again… BUT my spirit is being renewed and strengthened in trust and confidence in God.

Now, don’t hear me wrong. I think there is definitely a time for planning and arranging things to be efficient… I think that God would agree… BUT when we are taking matters and circumstances in our own hands, thinking we know what is best, thinking we can do it all on our own… we forget that our lives are not our own, they belong to Christ… this is where planning and arranging our lives can become dangerous. As we plan out our lives in our own strength and wisdom, whether it be the week by week or the 5 year plan, we essentially say to God, ‘God, I don’t trust you, you don’t know what is best for me, you are small and I know my life better then you… I know what I need to do to get me where I want to go (or where you want me to go), and I have the wisdom to get it done at the right time…’ HA! How ridiculous does that sound!? Could you imagine yourself saying that to God ALMIGHTY!? The creator of the UNIVERSE!? The one who knit YOU TOGETHER in your mothers womb... Who has ORDAINED each and every day of your life!? Yet, in our actions we say that to him all the time. (And, I'll be the first to admit that I am the best at doing this...)

He truly has such great compassion, patience, mercy and grace for us! He is abounding in love and kindness!

So. I guess today was a day of strengthening my faith, through fire… once again! When we face those days of trial, where everything seems to be against us, all we must do is turn our eyes back to Jesus… not looking to what we see going on around us… but lifting our eyes to Christ… and we must learn to stand in faith of what HE says, what HE has promised… we are learning how to not be MOVED by what we see, or feel… but to live with faith… Trusting Jesus at his word. We must learn to trust in these days… even trust when all around us seems to be telling us a different story than the truth of Christ.

When we face the days of intense struggle, we can consider them Joy… just as James says… The Lord brings me back to this passage often.

1 James 1:2-8

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Praying that in these days we will all learn to lean heavily upon the truth of the word of God, not what our human eyes see, or what the wisdom of this world is speaking to us… Trials must come if our faith is to be tested and proved genuine… (Read 1 Peter 1)!

So. What are your eyes fixed upon? What are your ears listening to? What is your spirit taking confidence in? I pray that we will turn our gaze upon our Mighty Savior who is victorious. I pray that our ears will be listening to his still small voice leading us in the paths of righteousness. I pray that our spirits will take great confidence in His promises.

Christ be with you, grace and love are yours in Jesus.

...our minds...

2010-01-05T22:02:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about the ‘mind’ today. I woke up thinking about the mind, then decided to read what the bible says about the mind. I’ve included some of the verses that stuck out as I read all 156 verses referring to the ‘mind’.

As I was praying today I felt like the Lord was saying that the mind is a very powerful thing… just think about it! Every movement you do with your physical body is controlled and commanded by your mind. Everything that enters into our bodies must pass through the mind…(for example: we consider and make a choice to do an certain action, or even the food we eat is tasted by sensors connected to the brain…. Everything goes through the brain, even what we see is processed in our minds...) It’s kinda crazy to think about.

Our minds are very powerful things. Our minds have the power to lead us in any given direction. When we ‘set our minds’ upon something, that is most likely the direction we will find ourselves going. It is almost like our minds are magnetic, and we get to chose what our minds are drawn to… Sometimes the choice simply comes by innocent exposure to something, and our appetites are whetted. Then suddenly we find ourselves pursuing something with all we have because our minds are set upon it. Our minds are very powerful.

What we expose ourselves to, whatever we meditate on, whatever we allow to shape and influence our attitudes and understanding, this will directly affect our walk with Christ…

So, what am I really saying today?

The Lord is showing me once again that I must be cautious and very intentional about setting my mind upon Jesus. The things I expose myself to will have influence on my attitude and ultimately His destiny for my life… I am not saying we should shelter ourselves and not watch any TV, nor talk to anyone outside of our Christian circle, not at all! But what I am saying is we need to understand that what we intentionally and unintentionally expose ourselves to can have a profound influence on us if we are not aware and prepared with the Word of God to throw down every pretension that raises itself above the knowledge of Christ…

1 Corinthians 10:3-5: though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

The Apostle Paul tells the church in Corinth that: The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. (2 Cor. 4:4) But I might even say that many people who claim to know Christ also live under this blindness and they fail to see the glory of Christ… This comes from our minds being influenced by the thought processes and patterns of the world. We must begin to wash our minds with truth and be transformed by the renewing of our minds… and then we can be confident that we will see and know what the heart and will of God is for our lives…

Rom 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So. Who is speaking into your life? Who’s voice are you following? Are you following the fear in many people, worried about economic failure… are you following the influence of Hollywood movie stars, seeking out the fame and glory… Who are you setting your minds on? What are you setting your minds upon?

Some important questions we need to be asking ourselves in these days.

I pray that we will turn our minds upon Christ and diligently seek him in these days… he is worth the effort, and we wont be disappointed. Blessings to you as you seek after Him. Praying for you.

(Here are a few more verses about the mind)

Col 3:1-3 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

Rom 8:5-8 Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.

Eph 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

1 Peter 4:7-8 The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Let's surrender to His love!

2009-12-31T11:57:00.000-08:00

This came to me this morning...

You sleep and slumber until your soul is content (‘sleep and slumber’ in a spiritual sense). You fill your soul with comforts gathered by your own hands. But I have called you to delight your soul in me… any other thing you put your heart to, any other thing you devote your mind to, any other thing you give your emotions to, and anything you put your will to gain, OTHER THAN ME, is idolatry. And it offends me. You don’t offend me, it is your actions that offend me. I love you with an everlasting love, there is nothing that can separate or severe the love I have for you. My love doesn’t change… I always love you. And when you choose sin, YOU choose to distance yourself from my love, but my love remains the same. My love does not move, you move. My love does not reject you; you chose to reject my love as you choose sin. BUT even when you reject me, ridicule me, slander me, despise me, and even hate me, my love for you is unchanged… It burns with a holy passion for your heart.

So I am calling out to my children, calling out to my bride… Hear my voice! Turn from your offensive ways and look to me again. A broken reed I will not despise and a smoldering wick I will not stuff out… I will not refuse you nor turn you away. I am crying out for you to return, my arms are open wide waiting to embrace you. Come and surrender to my love, turn from giving yourself to things that satisfy only for a moment, they’ll only leave you empty and coveting for more… But I will satisfy every desire in your heart. Come to me.

I am big enough to hold your brokenness, bring it all to me. I am gentle enough to heal your deepest wounds. My love is enough to cover over your multitude of sins. My wisdom is enough to lead you where I desire to take you. My hand is strong enough to deliver you from every enemy. My grace is enough to sustain you in your weakest moments. My mercy is enough carry you through this life. My faithfulness is more than enough. I am more than enough. Come to me, surrender to my love…

‘Listen, Listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.’ Isaiah 55:2-3

Praying for you all! This is going to be a huge year, BUT we must surrender to his love first! Let's run to him!

Love you guys.

Love's Incarnation...

2009-12-25T21:23:00.000-08:00

Last night, Christmas Eve, I went to midnight mass at an Abbey. I've only been once before, many years ago. I could share all about the experience, about my observations and some small things that are just really humorous... (like the fact that there is a 'rear view' mirror on the Organ... I found that quite comical... ha! :) Anyhoo. I could share many things about the night, but there was one phrase in particular that hit my spirit and stuck there... I am not sure I've ever heard these two words put together:

'Love Incarnate, baby Jesus was born this night.'

It was as if someone turned on a light in a dark room and suddenly all was clear. CHRIST, JESUS is the incarnation of God's love... Love from God, in the flesh, for you and me. The fullness of God's love all wrapped up in that little baby... who would later grow up and lead a completely righteous life, a life of love, and then go through with the unthinkable... God, dying for all of humanity that we might live... what!? Love's incarnation, born this night...

Incarnation, simply put, is God embodied in the flesh, in human form, in Jesus. All of God in Jesus... All of His love, in Jesus... Love's incarnation!

And I guess my words are not doing the revelation justice... But the Holy Spirit took those two words 'Love incarnate' and breathed LIFE into them and when they hit my ears it brought new life to something I thought I'd known... I once again was amazed and overwhelmed by the fact that God would have so much love for me... So much so that he would go and prove His love by placing himself in the least of these... think about it... ALL MIGHTY GOD, the one who laid the foundations of the earth, set the heavens in their places... and HE CAME AS A BABY? REALLY!? A baby savior!? REALLY!? He came to ransom and rescue his most prized creation... us. Now, I'll be honest, If I were going to come I'd do a bit more glam and glitz, ya know, get people's attention... 'Hey everyone, your savior has entered the earth...(instert booming thunder and lightning here) Have no Fear, God is here...' ya know!? But what an incredible and dramatic entrance... a little baby, born of a VIRGIN! The prophets had spoken of him time and time again for hundereds of years, all the signs were pointing to this little savior baby Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us. And there he was. Love incarnate.

And so, I guess that little phrase, Love incarnate, put a whole new twist on Christmas... It was the fullness of God's love that came... (and I'm still not sure my words are doing justice to the overwhelming joy I have been experiencing since hearing those two words that rattled the very core of who I am... God is so good.)

And not to mention... Tonight, Christmas night. I went to see the new movie Avatar. And it was great, just as all my friends were raving about... And interesting enough... you know what 'avatar' means? It has its roots in Hindu mythology and means the incarnation or embodiment of a god/Deity. So here we are again, even today there are hints to the world about an incarnation of some kind...

But Jesus wasn't just any ol' incarnation... He was love incarnate... amazing.

(there is so much more to unpack about that movie too... loads of parallels to the spiritual walk, to life, to our culture, and clashing with other cultures... I'll definitely see it again... and ponder more about these things... I recommend it!)

But if I could leave you with one thing... God's love, was fully incarnate in that little baby, Emmanuel, God with us... and His love continues to shine forth and has the power to soften the hardest heart and bring the proudest person to their knees... and with arms wide open He is waiting to receive each one of us... Oh how He loves us. God's love be with you in a new way today.

Blessings.

A word about God's power.

2009-12-24T12:33:00.000-08:00

12/24/09

I had a dream last night and felt like God was speaking through it. The dream had to do with His power and his promises. Here is what I believe God is saying... May the Holy Spirit speak to you.

I felt like God was saying that we have to work inside the boundaries of His promises… specifically regarding his power. It is not safe for us to venture out into his power on our own. We must stay within his promises (in other words, we must stay within his commands and precepts); to venture out on our own into the vast power of God will cause much devastation.

There is coming a day (in the very near future) when we will have to be very careful with our actions, what we say, and how we operate in the things that God is giving us. We will no longer be able to be careless and flippant with the instructions of God. There is coming the day when, if we walk in the power of God but walk outside of his promises, it will ruin us… because he is SO holy. And we too must be holy to operate in His power. This is not something to be treated lightly. One wrong move could cost us our life, or even entering into the fullness of his promises. Complete obedience is required in these days. If God says it, do it humbly, and do it the way He has instructed!

In ONE instant, look what happened to the life of Moses and Aaron:
Numbers 20:6-13

6 Moses and Aaron went from the assembly to the entrance to the Tent of Meeting and fell facedown, and the glory of the LORD appeared to them. 7 The LORD said to Moses, 8 "Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the assembly together. Speak to that rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water. You will bring water out of the rock for the community so they and their livestock can drink."

9 So Moses took the staff from the LORD's presence, just as he commanded him. 10 He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, "Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?" 11 Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank.

12 But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them."

13 These were the waters of Meribah, where the Israelites quarreled with the LORD and where he showed himself holy among them.

Moses, in one moment, using the power of God but displaying it in a way contrary to heart of God, disqualified himself to enter into the Promised Land (what he was ultimately destined for).

I pray that in these days we might be listening to the voice of God and following in complete and humble obedience, not just to his voice, but also to his heart and attitude. May we be filled with the fear and reverence of God in these days, walking in the overflow of His great love for us. He greatly desires us to walk in the fullness of the power of Christ, and he is patiently waiting for us to lay down our lives and pay the price so that he may unleash the fullness of his Glory. A few words that came to me last night: Make haste, Make haste my Bride, there is no more time to waste, Prepare ye the way of the Lord.

once again... forever and a day.

2009-11-28T22:41:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else felt like the days seem to be getting shorter!? Or maybe they are just going by faster? Or maybe our lives are so full and busy because of the efficiency we claim to have because of technology... and because we do things with so much ease we replace the free time we would have with more things we must finish... we just keep packing our days full and fuller still...

I am not a fan of extra business... I want to be a person who stops and stares at the clouds, noticing the silly shapes made by the beautiful breeze... I want to take moments to gaze upon the majestic colors of the sky in both the morning and night... I want to be a person who takes the time to look people in the eye and truly enquirer of their heart... I want to be a person who stops to breath deep, often.

I am learning to live in the fullness of each moment.

And each moment seems to be full and fuller still as I recognize the presence of God all around... in the wind, in the trees, in the colors painted in the sky... in the eyes of a friend... He is all around... just stop, take a look... and oh how beautiful He is... How good and pleasant it is to worship Him. (Psalm 147)

I pray that you would have moments of revelation of God's grace, mercy, beauty and great love for you this week.

blessing.

a sunday morning struggle.

2009-10-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you Jesus.

I find that if I don’t say thank you, I end up forgetting that Jesus is good, He is God, He is in control and doing great things… all too often my mind takes me on this rabbit trail of complaint and I loose sight of the King because I make myself the center focus. But gratitude and thanksgiving are the weapons of war used against this selfish and inward focused soul. As we give thanks to the King and Lord of our life, we begin to break down the walls built up of pride, self indulgence, self-worship… our eyes are then taken off of what we see and placed onto a Higher Power, a Higher Love, a Higher Order then what we have created. We realize it is all about Him, not about us. We realize He is the one who holds us in the palm of His hand… we don’t hold him. We begin to become consumed by Him rather then overcome by self.

Isn’t self-worship where this whole hellhole began?

Didn’t Lucifer get this idea in his head that he wanted to be the center of it all? As he thought more and more about that he took his eyes off the Glory of God and began to pursue self-glorification. This is absolutely absurd to me. He was supposedly the most beautiful and glorified angel created. What’s that about? He had to have more? It wasn’t enough unless he was sitting on the throne being worshiped, above God?

Wow. And so I look at my own life, and see the same absurdity. I look around at our ‘American Culture’ and I see the same thing… We worship ourselves, and we attempt to get others to do the same… And we won’t stop until we are on the top.

Maybe that is too blunt. But it is truth. And to be honest, I don’t think many will disagree with me on this truth. But, there are few that will take it to heart and begin to seek a change. It is hard to go against the driving culture of the world. Are you kidding me!? It is nearly impossible. But I can’t live my life driven by my soul, driven by self-indulgence, driven by pride… That is completely contrary to all that I believe and all that I want to be.

I am thankful that the God of the universe does not despise small beginnings. (Take Jesus for example, he came as a baby.) I want to see a transformation in our culture… in the driving culture of the world. So, here I am, little ol me. Not doing much of anything except wrestling with the very things that I’ve inherited from a broken and hurting world, and taking them to Jesus… just as broke and hideous… and He is showering me with grace and love. And… it’s painful… and not many understand… and not many want to understand… But I am going for it, small beginnings… and who knows… maybe this life will be used to spark a transformation in the hearts of others…

Jesus will never turn anyone away… (His church has been really good at doing that, and for that I am sorry.) But the real Jesus… He doesn’t turn anyone away…

I want to live that way.

*After writing this, I titled it... 'a sunday morning struggle' and then I looked up the word struggle... I wanted to know the dictionary definition. And what do you know, it was spot on:

A forceful or violent effort to get free of restraint or resist an attack*

I will *struggle* (by definition above) with our culture until I break free and begin to live from a Kingdom Culture... mainly love.

Sailing.

2009-10-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

So. I don't know much about sailing, but I have been thinking about sailing today.

a few things I've thought about sailing today are these:

The wind doesn't adjust to the sails, the sails adjust to the wind. Sails don't adjust unless the sailors adjust them. The wind propels the boat, but it is also the rudder that steers. These two things work together... Wind blows, propels the boat in the direction that the rudder is steering, and the sails are in constant adjustment to to the wind.

I am not sure if this is accurate... but this is what I imagine happens.. I will talk to my sailing friends to see if this is true.

But it seems to parallel my spiritual journey lately. The wind is the spirit of God, always blowing in one direction or another... and the sails, well that is my my life, my soul and spirit. I am in constant need of adjusting and positioning myself in a place to 'catch the wind'... And maybe that constant adjustment isn't actually something I do... but maybe it is just the simple act of coming back to grace moment by moment. I am not sure what the rudder is... but I know it is important... maybe it is like the parable of the tongue... maybe the rudder is my words... the things I speak that steer me to or further away from my destination...

All I know is that the rudder and the sails have to work together to catch the wind... that propels me to destiny.

Well... all that might be kinda lofty and vague... its not a completely developed thought yet... I've just been thinking about it today...

I guess my prayer is that we would be attentive to the blowing of the Holy spirit in these days, and rather then expect the Holy Spirit to adjust to our position, I pray that we would be fluid and flexible and adjust ourselves... so that we might catch the fullness of what He is doing in these days.

blessings.

a reminder of life...

2009-10-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we need to be reminded of where we have come from and where we have been to remind us of where we are going.

I just took a look at some photos from my time in Guatemala and am reminded that life is really happening, and it is bigger then the present circumstances I find myself dwelling in. I find it far to easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of passing moments… consumed by insignificant details that seem to eat away at my soul like maggots infesting a decaying carcass. And it is only when I glance back at where I’ve been that I realize… there are parts of me decaying… and becoming infested. I had no idea. Its far too convenient to recycle the news paper a moment after reading that hundreds of people died in an earthquake in some distant land I’ve never heard of, or close out the internet page telling me about modern day slavery and sex trafficking so that I can update my facebook status.

It’s too tempting to be numb. It is too easy to become complacent. And it is far too convenient to think of only me… in this moment, here and now… So. Here I am, once again, humbled. Though we seem to get off course ever so often, the Lord has this gracious way of leading us back to truth, grace, and love. I don’t get it, I don’t deserve it, and I don’t know why he has chosen us… But the fact is, He has.

While life continues, and chaos and sin seemingly abound more and more each day… the truth is, and the one thing that will always remain clear, is His love. And because of that love, I can smile.

Recent thoughts.

2009-10-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what to write about tonight. I am sure there are many things I could speak about, but the things that seem so important are also the things that seem to quickly slip away as I sit to write.

…I love laughter. The deep belly laughter… from the depths of the soul laughter… it is good medicine. We need to laugh a bit more, a bit louder, and a bit freer…

Sorry, that was just a side note.

I just read this from David Hino’s blog… I know he won’t mind me posting this little bit:

Last night I was reminded of deeper understanding of an old principle in the Bible: the principle of “transaction.” A small group was praying and we sensed that we were standing before our spiritual closets and confession was in order. God wanted us to go into our spiritual closets and empty out to God what we were holding back from Him. As we did, I sensed that the closet became a mansion. When we give God something, He gives back to us something far greater. Give God your pride and He gives humility, His authority and power. Give God your sin and He gives us His holiness. Give God the spirit of control and He gives you freedom. Give God your loneliness and He gives you friendship. When we give God the things hidden in our closets, He gives us back a mansion full of His goodness.

I love that God simply pursues us, and pursues us, and then continues to pursue us no matter how impenetrable we are, no matter how much we refuse to give into his loving pursuit… he just keeps on coming, wave after wave after wave of love and grace… he really doesn’t stop seeking after us. I was just thinking about the very things that David mentioned in his article… Sometimes, all to often, we chose to refuse to exchange our broken and raggedy state for God’s ‘better’ because of feelings and thoughts of unworthiness… or we find it to be too painful to ‘go there’ with God… and it might hurt intolerably more for a period of time to receive what God has graciously offered then it would be to remain in our current state… sometimes the numbness and hardness of our core is seemingly far more comforting then the exchange of our depravedness for the unknown wholeness freely given us in Christ. But what if that unknown wholeness is infinitely and incomparably greater than anything we have experienced before in our lives…

I don’t understand how God does it… I don’t know why he does it… I can’t even begin to comprehend nor grasp his grace… but what I do know, if we continually try to comprehend before we receive… we will never end up receiving… sometimes we just have to jump in, without reservation… and I guess that takes great courage… and often times we are cowardly rather then courageous… but maybe we just have to ask.

Praying that God will give you the courage to ask… and then to believe… and then to do the unthinkable…. Jump in.

Continued thoughts: Comparison.

2009-09-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

There is no doubt in my mind and heart that in these days there is a real presence of negative spiritual influence on many college campuses along the west coast. Especially on the christian campuses where the Lord is getting ready to release a mighty outpouring of his love and grace to move us into his desired destiny... And praise Jesus that He is greater than any darkness, power, principality... He is seated high above... Let me expand on what I am hearing and seeing...

Just last Friday I was in GreenRoom (a Friday morning worship service on GFU campus) We went into a time of prayer with each other and a friend of mine was sharing with me his struggle that week with falling into a cycle of comparing himself with others and feeling down about who he was... and the funny thing was that I had been experiencing the same thing all that week. I was being sucked into the trap of looking around at all the incredible people around me and feeling like I myself was not good enough... I was feeling like the gifts and talents in others are much greater and special then anything I had, and I found myself wanting what they had... as I gave into this spirit of comparison I was starting on a path of being entrapped and bound up. As my friend and I talked about this a bit and prayed for each other, we went back into a time of worship, the thought came to mind that maybe it wasn't just us that were going through this comparison trap... maybe in fact there were others. I mentioned it to my friend and we decided that this might be true and we would invite others to bring this out into the light and receive prayer. A few people stayed behind and were greatly blessed that they were not alone in what they were feeling and experiencing.

A few days later, my friend mentioned that he was talking to a friend on another christian campus who was experiencing the same thing. and just today, one of the people who came up for prayer during greenroom said the same thing, that they were talking to a friend on another christian campus and they were feeling the same tug and draw into the game of comparing themselves with others...

So. What do we do about this? Here are some thoughts and ideas about what is going on, and maybe how we can combat this in God's grace and power.

I believe it is the tactic of the enemy to try and get our eyes, hearts, and minds off of Jesus. In this season the enemy will use anything and everything. In these circumstances the tactic is to get our eyes fixed on what other people are in comparison to what we are, and as we look at what others have in comparison to what we have we begin to think that somehow in someway we are not good enough, or we are doing something wrong because we aren't functioning in the same way as that person over there is... the minute we give in to comparing ourselves with others a whole load of other influences are given access to our minds and hearts... we begin to become jealous, we feel unworthy, we envy, we begin to unknowingly curse our brothers and sisters, and as we do these things we increasingly and unknowingly invite the enemy to work against us.

If the enemy can get us tied up with what others are doing and being, then we will not be free to become all that Christ has destined to become. He has incredible plans for us all, and all of us have a unique and beautiful way of expressing who Christ is...

Here is what I am learning, we are like the body... we all play different roles... and we need each other... If I am a finger, and my friend is an eye, what good is it for me to try and do what the eye does? First of all, that is not what I was created to do, and then I am getting in the way of what the eye was created to do, and I am missing out on all that I was made to do...

In other words: Maybe I was created to express the love of Christ... someone else might have been created to do spiritual warfare and intercede on behalf of people... and another friend might be designed to encourage and cheer on who need encouragement... AND the beautiful thing is that we all will fit perfectly together when we all look at Jesus and listen to his voice, and do what he leads us to do, the way we are gifted... and then allow others to be who they are and do the things that they do the way that Jesus made them to do it... and as we do that, we will all flow and work together to bring the Glory of Jesus into this earthly realm... and all men will see and know the presence of the King. BUT we must learn to discern this spirit of comparison that will get us tied up in what other people are doing and bind us in a prison so we can not be free to be all that we were created for.

So. In these days, let us throw off all that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles... (yes, jealous is a sin... AND the beauty of Jesus is that when we come to him and confess openly, he forgives all our sin and purifies us from ALL unrighteousness...) Let us run the race MARKED OUT FOR US...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...

Lets bring this feeling of comparison into the light and break free from this spirit and walk in the beauty and fullness of what God has created us to uniquely be... When we begin to see that God truly loves each of us, as we are, not as someone else is... then we begin to walk in freedom, love and power...

Praying for you all. Thanks for reading, and may you be blessed in these days!

.annie may.

Jealousy.

2009-09-15T16:07:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll. Well, a few friends and I have been facing these struggles... one of mine is being jealous and wishing i had things that other people had... meaning: giftings and talents... thinking that what other people can do is far better then what I can do... those kind of things...

The Lord told me to revisit something he spoke to me back in April... so here it is... thought it was a fitting thing to share for these days.

Blessings as you journey... may you find yourself in the midst of peace and the unshakable foundation of Jesus.

4/6/09

Jealousy

I woke up this morning hearing the Lord say to me to get rid of all jealousy, envy, malice, strife, and selfish ambition. It came through a dream that I had had where I was really upset with my sister and dad for doing something… ultimately I was jealous and had a very crappy attitude and treated them very poorly because of it.

Through that God was saying to me (and I believe the Church) that we must leave our jealousy behind, leave our envy behind, we must ask forgiveness and let Christ transform our attitudes. We must also apologize to different parties that we have treated unfairly because of our attitudes tainted by jealousy and envy.

The words of our mouth do speak life or death. We can bless or we can curse. We praise God with our mouth and from the same mouth we curse men, created in God’s image… this should not be so (James 3)…

The song beauty for ashes was in my spirit this morning… I trade my ashes in for beauty, and wear forgiveness like a crown, come and kiss the feet of mercy, I lay every burden down and the foot of the cross.

I thought more about this whole jealousy thing. I asked God what ways I need to repent of and where I am jealous. He showed me many things. And most of the things that I was jealous of were things he intends to give me and desires to bless me with.

Here is the thought that came to mind. Why are we jealous anyway? If we knew what we have been given we would be so full of what Christ has done, there would be no room for jealousy.

I heard him say this morning, come and walk into the fullness of all I have, leave your jealousy behind and enter in.

Jealousy keeps us from seeing all that God has for us. The truth is, we are seated right next to Christ in the heavenly realms, we have been given everything we need for godliness, we are made whole and perfect in Christ Jesus. He has come to give us life and life abundant… what more could we ask for? What more could we desire!?

We are jealous because we don’t realize who we are in Christ. We are jealous because we do not believe the salvation that Christ has given us. We are jealous because we choose not to recognize the value of our being to Christ. If we would truly come to an understanding (not just a mental/intellectual understanding, but an experiential understanding) of how incredibly loved and accepted we are, then jealousy and envy would cease to hold us. We must first see Christ, have a revelation of who he is and all that he has done for us… once we step into the truth of that, we will be released and free to live and love as we were created. But until then we walk around with this extra baggage thinking that others are more special then I am, others have better gifts then I do, others can do it better then I ever could, He is better looking then I am, she has more compassion then I do… We walk around comparing ourselves to others and we never realize that God has incredibly gifted us with unique talents and expressions of who Christ is… we become jealous of how other people are made, how they act, what they have and how they use it… It is tragic.

God is saying to the church: Lay down your jealousy and LOOK! See who I have created you to be! See how I have lavished my love upon you! See how I see you! You are wonderfully created with purpose and destiny! You were made to express me in a unique way! Come to me, look to me! Let me show you who you are!

Envy will cripple us and blind us to sin. You kill and covet to get what your neighbor has, but you have not because you do not ask GOD!! God desires to give us good things… but we have to look to him and not to our hands…

9.9.09

2009-09-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

Well. I haven't written for a while... writing, and having the time to write, seems to ebb and flow...

I find it very interesting to be back here in a place where I thought I would never return. It is humbling. And each day I continue to be humbled.

I would love to write out my thoughts and my experiences thus far, but I find that there are too many things to say and I am on overload... not to mention, I really should be writing up a paper right now... :)

so. I just wanted to give a little update, saying that all is well... and being well doesn't always mean that it is easy... and being well, doesn't even mean that all is calm and easy going... but it is truly the grace of Jesus and his love that pours out over my life each day, just as faithfully as the sun rises every morning, this is the only reason I am well.

hope to write more soon about all that is happening lately! It has been such a blessing in so many ways... and it only is beginning.

much love.

.am.

Life as I use to know it.

2009-08-19T16:31:00.001-07:00

Well. It has been 2 weeks and a few days since my return from the beautiful country of Guatemala. I am still not sure what to think. I am still adjusting to the grossly amount of luxuries I have... including the down time I have before school starts... in many ways i do not want to return to the many different mentalities I left behind in Guatemala.

We have so many comforts. If something breaks, i can go get a new one... if I need a new pair of shoes i can go get a pair... if I like that nice looking top in the shop I can buy it if I please... if I am hungry I can just go out and get a burger... if I am thirsty, i'll just stop into the nearest local cafe and have a latte...

It is too easy to be a consumer. And because we can just go get something new we don't place value on anything... everything is disposable... and replaceable...

I wonder how much of this kind of view and mindset plays out in our everyday life.. I think it does more then we realize... how many of us run from our broken relationships and try and replace them with new ones... what about with any conflict... what about in the body of Christ, in church... Often times I think we throw in the towel and set out to get something new and shiny, rather then taking the time to restore and mend something that got a little damaged...

I think that we have a sickly mindset that has consumed us.... a mindset that is so far from the heart of God. God does not waist anything... he loves to restore things... Someone was sharing with me the other day about what God had been speaking to them... she said that the Lord told her that the only thing God destroys is evil... everything else he restores. I am glad that he doesn't throw me out when I get a little bit damaged...

Well. This is only one thing that I am finding as I trudge through re-entry/culture shock/adjustment... whatever you want to call it...

it is interesting stuff... i hope you can read this hearing my voice of concern and love... i am in no ways condemning anyone... after all, I am by far guilty of all the things i've mentioned above ... I've just seen another way and am intrigued and inspired ask the question 'why' do we do this or that...

anyhoo.

thanks for reading. blessings to you!

.am.

The day I left Guatemala...

2009-08-19T16:27:00.000-07:00

This is what I wrote during my 5 hour layover in the Houston airport on the way back from Guatemala... Sorry if there are some typos... I haven't edited it... but if you have time and want a re-cap of what has gone on in this little life of mine over those few months... then read on... this isn't all that went on... but most of it :).

Thanks for reading! Blessings!

8/3/09

I am leaving Guatemala today… I’ve been here for 104 days. Wow!

I am ready to get home, for sure.

God has done some amazing and great things. I am not sure I can grasp all that has happened in me, through me, or around me… It is too big. But I wanted to spend a bit of time recalling some of the most important things I’ve been given over these past 3 months. I might not be able to get it all down right now, but I hope to spend a few days debriefing…

A few words to describe my trip: Brokenness, Humility, Patience, Letting Go, Listening, Challenged, Love, Walking through the valleys, Seeing God Move.

All the words spoken over this trip have by far been seen through… God spoke about my roots being matured… I feel like I’ve been through the refiners fire and my faith has come out more pure and mature then before… God spoke of being able to let go and let God move and do his work the way He desires… to go in with expectation of God to move, but not have expectation of the way he would move… to be free and willing to be used in any and every way that HE desires to use me. That happened for sure.

An overall theme of this trip was brokenness, which is what I was praying for… I have come to realize, through understanding both in my mind and through experience, that it is not about what we do for God, but it is about our relationship with him. This whole trip I felt inadequate for the job I was doing, I was unable to communicate properly, I wasn’t living up to my standards (notice the ‘my’ there) I didn’t spend the quiet time with Jesus that I normally do, I didn’t have a great attitude the whole time, I spent half of my time here judging people and putting them down within my thoughts, thinking I was better then them in some way… I worried; I made plans in my mind and heart that were not of God… I rarely could sleep in the peace of Christ because of all my stress and worry about not living up to my own expectations… In human standards and with human judgment I would consider myself to have failed. BUT I am not my judge… it is Christ who stands and judges me… and I know that He has done amazing things in me in the midst of all my failure… He loves me completely even in the midst of all my failure… He is able to enter into every situation and work it out for the good even in the midst of my complete failure.

I continue to learn that this life is all about the grace of God. I can do nothing by my own strength or in my own power or ability. It is all by his grace. There was a moment during my stay here that the Lord spoke to me and was saying: Anything done out of your own strength or out of your own will is nothing more then chaff in the wind… it will not stand for anything on the day when all your actions are held accountable… So do nothing out of yourself, but do only what I speak you to do… everything else is done in vain…

God wasn’t saying don’t love him in all I do, nor wait for an audible voice to say go ahead with things… he was speaking to the condition of my heart and mans heart that wants to ‘do’ for God… mans heart wants to pay a penance for salvation… man’s heart wants to earn Gods grace. But the grace of God is a gift, not something that can be earned through actions or good behavior. God was speaking to my heart and saying your actions are done in vain if I have not called you or sent you… So doing some of the things in my heart at any given time would be in vain because it is not what God has called me to.. While it might be noble and even seemingly good, ultimately when I am called before Christ and all my actions are there exposed, the heart behind my actions will be revealed… was it in obedience to a call, or out of a different deep-rooted motive of needing to earn my way…

I’ve learned that it is more than okay to wait on God to speak and then to move, in fact that is the way it is meant to work. We are not to run ahead of God and his grace… when we do run ahead of Him we will struggle in what we are attempting to accomplish, we will also put into jeopardy all that God has planned… By running ahead we place ourselves out of position from where God has designed us to be.

I think we run ahead because we fear that we need to do something to please God… we need to prove our worthiness and attempt to show ourselves as acceptable offerings before the Lord… but the reality of the matter is that we are all beyond fixing, apart from his grace. We are all unworthy sinners, and it is only by unmerited favor that we are saved… he gives us salvation because he loves us… before we were made saints, before we did one good deed, he loved us and died in our stead that we might take what he deserved… abundant life… Why is it so hard for us to accept this truth? Why is it so hard to be okay with our brokenness and our need… and why is it even harder to receive the unthinkable, unfathomable, out of this world grace and forgiveness that our God offers?

If only we would stop for a minute and just be ‘okay’ with what we are apart from God (not in the sense where we are okay and we stay there in that state, rather the acceptance of the reality of what we are apart from God…), and then after accepting that, we accept the wonderful reality of the grace of God… We would be radically different, our whole attitudes would change, we would go from fear, striving, doing doing doing… and we would be set free to live in love with Jesus, and live in the overflow of that Love… our striving would cease and we would learn to just “be’ in the grace of God… and instead of always doing, we would have the ability to wait and hear the voice of God and move in courage and power doing what he has called us to.

I have learned that His presence is truly all I need… this is something I have been learning for quite some time and will continue to learn all my life… it is a daily thing… You can’t just say one day, Jesus I will live for you the rest of my life and then remain in his presence and grace… It is a daily thing… Each day is a new day full of mercy and grace, full of choices, temptations, trails and snares… Each day (at least this is what I have come to experience) I must recommit my ways to him. I can not survive off of what God spoke to me yesterday, nor what he will say tomorrow… but I need fresh manna every day, I need a fresh breath of his presence every day… What he spoke to me yesterday becomes a part of the foundation of what he is building only when I put it into practice in my life.

The closer I get to God, and the further along I find myself on this journey with the lover of my soul… I find it is easier and easier to get off track by the smallest things. It is the smallest worldly pleasures that tug at my heart… they easily sneak back in and become little tiny idols on the throne of my heart…. And God will not share his throne with anything nor anyone else. It is either all his or it is not his at all. This is a conviction that comes only to those who are willing to go to the deepest of deeps… to surrender their whole lives to the glory of his name… When you have dedicated your life to this, it will be the subtle little things that are okay for everyone else that will fight for your attention and adoration.

My biggest struggle in life, my greatest sin, is also my greatest passion and what I am created to do… worship. We were all created to worship, in all we do we are to worship God and give him glory, honor, and praise. But often times our worship is tainted, distracted, unholy and impure… our worship rarely lives up to what God truly deserves and desires… There is this deceiver called Lucifer… He was a worship angel… and he fell to pride… he wanted the worship for himself… and it is still what he fights for each and every day… just look around and see all the different things that people are worshiping… it may not be in the form that we recognize, like formal worship at an alter, or a scheduled service with music and singing… (but sometimes these things are what we are worshiping rather then the creator… for instance, are you able to worship in the quite place of your prayer closet, or do you need flashing lights and a big band playing loud and beautiful music to get into a place of worship? Ask Jesus to reveal the reality of your heart and ask him to remove any deception so that you might worship him in spirit and truth.) Like I said, we might not consider the things we give our adoration to ‘worship’ because it doesn’t look religious or look like a statue or ‘carved idol’… but lets just look at some of the things we do for a minute… how many of us have our favorite tv shows that we put everything aside for to watch…I will admit, I’ve done this. But we must call it what it is, it is a form of worship… and if it is not stirring our spirits to a greater worship of Jesus, then we must come to realize that it is a detriment to all that God has… what isn’t from God, is not of God and is not pleasing to God, and in fact it is from the enemy. Now I am not saying throw out your televisions or else you’ll be completely corrupt by the devil. And I am not saying that moderation is okay either. I am saying we need to recognize where we give our hearts away to other things rather then to Jesus. Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be… Lets ask the more visible question: what is your treasure? What do you hold in high regard, where do you spend your time and waste your adoration? This is where your treasure is…. So where do you spend your time?

This idol worship isn’t just in television… it is anything that you place higher then your devotion to God. Even the greatest gifts of God can become a thing of worship. This happens when we take what God has given us and we seek that out rather then the face of God. I also have done this many times. We turn from seeking His face and we begin to seek his provision. We easily turn from relationship and go to ‘what can you give me?’ I recently read the Pursuit of God by AW Tozer. He was speaking of Abraham and Isaac… and how the very gift of God, the very promise of God (Isaac, his promised son) had become a source of idolatry. God would not have any other thing in the place of Abraham’s heart and so he called Abraham to give up the thing that God had promised all along… I continue to daily experience this. My idols often times are the things that God has given me, or promised me. Even before I have them in my hands, will I be willing to give them up in sacrifice and have my eyes refocused on what really matters, my relationship with Christ? I have found that this is the only way… Christ is the only one worthy of my adoration and worship…. And to worship anything else in any way would be to turn my back on Him completely. Now, there is grace to cover our sins and the places in our hearts that God is working on… so when we fall down and mess it all up by worshiping other things, he is gracious to us and shows us mercy and forgiveness as we turn back to him.

Some other idols I have noticed in our culture are these: (side note: some of these might offend you… but I love what Bill Johnson says about offense: God will often offend our mind to reveal what is in our hearts… If you are offended by some of these things I consider ‘idol material’, pray and ask God to reveal your heart…. I am also praying this prayer daily… the goal is to be more in love with Jesus each day…) People, church leaders, celebrities, relationships, sports, media, electronics, toys, material items, music, food, different activities, religious exercises, different spiritual gifts, seeking the mountain top experiences rather than His face…. Again… There are so many different things that can become idols in our heart. The best thing to do is to ask Jesus to search us and know our hearts, test us, purify us, lead us in the way of salvation… Being separated from theses things may not be quick, it may not be easy, and it most likely will not be painless. Some of the things we worship have become rooted and knitted into the very fiber of our being and to be separated from it means to cut away the cancerous bits that will spread into the rest of our body… This is not a painless process and can only be done by Him, the Master Surgeon… Let us ask him to remove all that is unlike Him and let us allow him to take the knife and cut out all that does not resemble who he is.

Part of my experience of brokenness has been learning to rely on his grace rather then my gifting… and part of that has been not looking to my gifting but looking to his face. It is about relationship before ministry… it is about giving him everything before giving everything to others… it is about loving him and being loved by him before loving others… I have found it easy to fall into the act of worshiping the ministry rather then the one doing the ministry. It is about Him first and foremost… and this last season has been a time of experiencing a ministry where there is nothing I could have done to help these people, it was entirely the Lord… And I learned that my gifting and my ability could only be empowered by living in the overflow of his grace… it is only by grace that this gift can work and be successful. It is only in his grace that what God has given me will bless others… just because I have it and use it doesn’t mean it is glorifying… it is only glorifying when I am moving and breathing as he directs my feet and my thoughts and my steps… It is only when I am in unity with him that I will bring the greatest glory to Jesus. I love the song by Jenny Owens about 1 Cor. 13…. If I have not love, I am nothing… and the first line of the song says: I could travel over oceans, walk the deserts climb the mountains just to share his story and bring you glory and win souls for you… I could sing like an angel, songs so humble and so thankful, full of drama and emotion so the world would know your truth, I could give away my money and my clothes and my food, to restore those people who are poor, and lost and down and out… but if I do not love… I am nothing…

This is what I have learned… If I have not love I am nothing. And my first love and adoration has to be for the king of kings… It is true, I could do amazing things, but if I miss the most important thing then I miss it all… Love is what it all comes down to. There is no higher calling than to love Christ….

WOW! time flies...

2009-07-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

Well. Time seems to pass by quicker then a blink of the eye... It has been almost a month since my last update, and each day has been packed full of adventure, discovery, challenge, and growth. These past few weeks I've had some amazing times, some incredibly challenging and trying times, I've had moments of strength and moments of weakness, moments of greatness and moments of complete humility. But more than anything I feel as though the foundation of Christ in my life continues to settle a bit more each day.

A few weeks ago we laid a concrete floor at a rural school. The process was intense.. there was no large truck that mixed the cement, it was all done by hand. First you shovel in the gravel, then the sand, then the cement powder, then add water, then mix, and mix and mix... then add a bit more of this or that depending upon the consistency, then smooth it all out... then wait for it to dry.

We left the school before the floor was dry. A few days ago we returned to the school to do another medical clinic. The concrete floor was complete. There was a mountain of bricks setting upon it waiting to be used in construction. It was amazing to see a floor finished and to have been there first hand watching the whole process.

I guess what I am getting at is that this life is a process, and I am learning to embrace each moment and each step. Sometimes I find myself wanting to rush through something and get to the next part... but each season in our lives and each circumstance we go through can be purposeful. Somethings are not pleasant or lovely to walk through, but there is often times purpose beyond our understanding.

I worked at a christian day camp after my freshman year of college, and there was one week I will never forget. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life up to that point. To keep the story short, I had a very large group of children who all had very special needs. There was one young boy who was adopted and had had a very troubled childhood. The group was very challenging, tiresome, and difficult, so much so that I was in tears every night that week crying out to God for some help. On the last day the week a volunteer took the young boy aside to spend some time with him. This volunteer had been working with my group that week. She ended up having the opportunity to share the love of Jesus and pray with the young boy. After their short time together he was a completely different boy then when he first arrived. I had a chat with the volunteer a little later. She told me a story about how she was adopted when she was younger and how she was able to relate with this boy on a level that no one else could... and then she said to me,'if I had to go through that experience of being adopted for this exact moment, to be able to relate to this young boy and share what got me through, then going through all that pain and suffering was worth it all...'

I guess I share that story because it has always stayed with me. That volunteer had walked through over 40 years of her life not knowing why she had to experience that really challenging time when she was young. But, one week 40 years later, she encountered a little boy that was in a similar situation... and she had the opportunity to share a life changing message with him...

I learned a lot that week. I learned that the most challenging and trying times can also be the most rewarding and fulfilling times. Every night that week I wanted to quit and give up. But at the end of the week, God did a miracle that no one expected nor believed would happen. That's God. Doing what seems impossible, and using us in the midst of our brokenness.

We don't always understand why we have to go through things, or what the purpose will be... but I am learning to trust Jesus in the midst of every circumstance.

May you find rest and peace in the comfort of His arms... He has them open wide waiting for you to run into them.... just as an expecting and eager child waits for the return of their missed parent, run into his arms, you won't be disappointed... :)

much love.

.am.

2009-06-22T17:56:00.000-07:00

I am amazed at the grace and ability of God to use anyone and everyone who is willing to be used. How amazing. Last week I had the chance to lead the vision part of our clinics. First off, I have no idea how to do Eye Exams... I am pretty sure you need a degree to do this in the states... Secondly, my Spanish is okay, but its not the best... third off, lets try and give an eye exam in Spanish... fourth... it has to be translated from Spanish to Quichaqackel (one of the many other languages in Guatemala)... So here I am, little ol' me... not having much confidence in myself because I have no experience, my Spanish is limited, and we are not even dealing with people who speak Spanish... HA!!! Hilarious.

But, God. One of my favorite phrases! God is so great... I knew I had nothing to offer but the love of Christ... and not even through words, but with a kind smile and a gentle touch... And amazingly, people not only were blessed by the smile and the gentle touch, but they also got some glasses which greatly helped them see... I don't know how that happened, but 95 people can see better. How awesome is God!

Another fun story: God has been telling me to pray for the blind eyes to see... So I have. And when I heard that I was going to be leading the vision part of the clinic I was a bit upset because I love to work with the kids, praying for people, and float around... Doing the vision part of the clinic was not what I had in mind... When God told me to be praying for blind eyes to see, I was thinking something super miraculous... but once again, I am finding out that God's ways are not my ways! A few days before the clinic I realized what God had been asking me to pray, and realized what I was going to be doing... I was going to be helping the blind eyes to see... it wasn't going to look how I expected it... but it was going to be bringing sight to the blind... God is so good.

I went into this last week with the knowledge that I could not do this job by myself, but because God had sent me to this place, and given me this task, that somehow in someway He would complete the task he had sent me to do. And now, after wards, He has once again proven himself faithful. Not only did 95 people get help with their eyesight, but a total of 480 patients were seen for medical and dental in 2 days... how amazing.

anyhoo.

Thats all for now!

blessings!

.am.

answers to your thoughts..

2009-06-13T17:57:00.001-07:00

(this is a response to a comment on one of my blogs :)

Thanks for your honesty, and sharing your thoughts and questions. I really appreciate people who are real and wrestle with tough things. I see that you are one of those people.. Thanks for reading some of my thoughts and being bold enough, and honest enough to say it is difficult.

I have a few thoughts/responses to your questions/observations...

To your first statement about me seeming so sure of myself... to be really honest, If you lived inside my mind 24/7 you would be surprised! I struggle just as much as anyone else with thoughts of insecurity and doubt, fear and lack of confidence. You would probably laugh at some of the thoughts I think... :) But what I have come to know is the faithfulness of Christ.. and the security and assurance I have IN him... This hasn't happened over night, just like getting to know someone doesn't happen over night... It has been a journey of walking through many different trials and circumstances and daily learning to look at who he is, and not who I am... I have not always been in the place of confidence in Christ as I am today... So I can understand why you might get a bit upset as you read my thoughts.. But I hope that you can see that it is not from a plave of arrogance or confidence in myself that I pour out my thoughts, rather it is truly a confidence in who Christ is... I am nothing without him... and I still waiver , stumble and fall in my confidence in Him. It is really a daily journey of falling down and getting back up, learning from the experiences you have and allowing Jesus to be a part of your life a little bit more today then He was yesterday.

I can relate to the 'pruning' and it being uncomfortable... to be straight up and blunt, it sucks. I don't think there is one person who likes having things cut out of their lives... especially the things that foundations and comforts we rely on. But what if there truly is a firmer foundation and even greater comfort that we've never experienced and can't experience until we are pruned and shaken a bit... it is only when we are shaken that we realize what we were standing on might not be as stable as we originally thought...

About having courage and strength to press on, and how I do that... once again, I must say, some of the things I've walked through and gone through, there was absolutely no way I could have done it on my own. The way I have managed to walk through those valleys is asking for the strength of Jesus and then taking it one step at a time... and each time I think I cant take another step, I just ask for the grace and measure of courage I need to take it... sometimes it is the asking part that is even more difficult then taking the steps... I often fear that God will not answer my cry for help. And sometimes it takes me a while to cry out and ask because I am too afraid... but the moment I do cry out, God answers... and often times the answer doesn't look like the answer I was expecting... but the answer always turns out far greater then if I had done it my way.

As for 'allowing pruning and limiting other areas from bearing fruit...' I honestly believe that God can use anything and anyone and can produce fruit from our lives even when we are unwilling. There have been to many times where I've seen the least likely people be used in powerful ways by God... (including myself). But there will be a greater harvest of fruit from our lives as we learn to yield our lives to Christ and allow him to prune things in us that are not like Jesus. He doesn't do this out of anger nor out of control... but because he has an intense love for us and has incredible blessings for us if we would set our lives in his hands. And it is true that while he deeply desired to pour out blessings upon us, it takes us yielding ourselves to him.. and this is simply done by inviting him in to our lives each day.

The secret to what I have is daily seeking out Jesus and a daily determination to get to know him more... I have found that He is the only one who will truly satisfy my every need and desire... I've learned this through experience.. seeking out different things to fulfill my heart and everything leaving me empty... the only thing that has filled that void is Jesus. There have been many times where it has been so difficult to pick up my bible and read something, there have been days where the last thing I want to do is pray.. there have been days where the last thing i would want to do is hang out with someone who loved Jesus... but even in the midst of not feel like it... I determined myself to get to know him more, and because that is also His desire Jesus helped me. We may fall down multiple times a day and fail miserable... but nothing will separate us from His love for us.. our love may falter and our lives may waiver... but He remains the same. That is what I am learning to stand upon.

So, sorry this ended up being so long... but I hope it helps. Thanks again for being so honest. I will be praying that God will give you His strength and perseverance, that He will see you through and bring you out the other side of whatever you are facing with endurance, greater understanding, and a strong faith... God has great things for you, you may not be able to see that now, but as you seek him out He will do things through you that you would have never dreamed.

blessings friend. hope to hear from you again soon!

.am.

a moment to rest.

2009-06-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

It is really lovely waking up so early. I am not a morning person, but it is great to have the whole day ahead and not have an agenda. This is truly a day of rest. We need those days every now and then.

I wrote a bit last night, but I have ample time to write today. So I am going to take advantage of this day of rest and pour out my heart. Enjoy :)

I often times do not understand the ways of God. The way he does things is completely contrary to how I would do them. Sometimes the contrast makes me laugh out loud. I will be in the middle of a trial or some circumstance and then finally see what God is doing and then I’ll just laugh because its absolutely bizarre, yet completely perfect at the same time. I don’t know how he does it.

A week ago I was sitting, writing, and pouring out my heart to God. I have been wondering why I have been feeling a weight of fear, like a yoke around my neck. Also, there is constant worry in the quite times of my day… as I lay my head to sleep and right when I wake up. It is worry about silly little things too. It is quite strange. So, a week ago I was pouring out my heart to God and asking him about what was going on… And he began to show me that I have been praying and asking to be completely his. This can’t just happen without being tried and tested. He began to show me that what I am experiencing is like strength training. You have to add weight in order to strengthen your muscles. The weight of fear and worry are just a means to strengthen my faith, trust and perseverance in Christ.

I am pretty sure I’ve shared this verse before… but this is what I am experiencing:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him… James 1:2-5

I have been asking God to strengthen my faith, mature me, and prepare me for the things He has for me. How often do we pray these kinds of prayers and then the next week a hard circumstance comes along and we begin to wonder where God is, how could he ever let something like this happen? I think I use to have this kind of mindset. Whenever something hard and difficult was going on in my life, I would think that I was doing something wrong, that God wasn’t with me, or He didn’t care. I am learning that this is definitely not the case. He does things quite differently then we do. It is in the hard times that we will see his faithfulness and his compassion. How can we learn to have patience if we never go through experiences that produce patience within us? And how can we learn to truly love without going through experiences loving people who are difficult to love? And how can we have faith if we never go through any experiences where we have to HAVE faith?

As I was writing last week the Lord brought this passage to mind:

Luke 8:22-25

One day Jesus said to his disciples, "Let's go over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and set out. As they sailed, he fell asleep. A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger.
The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!"
He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?" he asked his disciples.  
In fear and amazement they asked one another, "Who is this? He commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him."

First off, Jesus said “Let’s go over to the other side…” Jesus only spoke what his father spoke, and did what his father did (John 5:19) So, no matter what was going to face them, they were going to go to the other side. That greatly encourages me, because when I hear Jesus speak to me, or say something that is going to come my way, I can trust that it will come to pass no matter how crazy the circumstances may seem. The second thing that stands out about this is that Jesus was sleeping in the midst of great danger. This wasn’t because he didn’t care about his disciples, but he was completely at rest in the will of his Father…. They were going to the other side, and nothing was going to stop them. He had no worries and complete faith, and this allowed him to rest. I think that sometimes people can mistake rest and complete faith for lack of consideration and care. I’ve done it.

The disciples must not have really heard Jesus say, ‘lets go to the other side’. The moment that squall came up they began to freak out. (I mean, lets be honest, we probably all would be a bit worried…) But as they cried out for Jesus to wake up and save them, He calmed the storm and reveled their lack of faith saying… “Where is your faith?” That little phrase struck me. “Where is your faith?”.

I began to ponder what would it have been like if the disciples believed Jesus when he said, ‘lets go to the other side’. How would their actions be different? What if they had complete faith in Jesus? I had the picture of them seeing the storm, and then just turning their eyes to Jesus as he was resting and sleeping… The disciples sitting down next to him and closing their eyes, falling asleep right there with him. And as I was pondering these things I realized that if Jesus is not freaking out, worried, or even remotely intimidated by the storm, then I don’t need to be either. I began to relate that to my current circumstances of feeling a storm of fear and worry around me. It seems like these things have just come my way to reveal the depth of my faith and provide an opportunity for me to fix my eyes on Christ. There are times when you have to confront the storm, stand up and say, peace be still. But if the storm rages on, I believe we have to take our eyes off of the storm and just sit down next to Jesus and take a nap (or take a rest from trying so hard to make the storm stop, and just ride it out with confidence and assurance that Christ is with you.)

This little storm of fear and worry in my life, while it is by no means comfortable, it is the means in which I am drawing near to God. Sometimes we need reminders of our need for Jesus. And sometimes, these things just come as answers to our prayers… if you are praying for maturity, if you are praying for faith, if you are praying for more of Jesus, don’t be surprised if you face trials of many kinds… And I will tell you, the joy that comes after going through a storm is indescribable.

He really does love us.

May you count the cost of following Jesus, and see that it will be worth it all, and then follow him!

Blessings!

.am.

Amazing.

2009-06-12T20:40:00.001-07:00

Well. I have so much to say, and not enough time to write it all down. So I will just get something out there for tonight... :)

I am blown away at the faithfulness of God. Just today, as we unpacked the equipment and medicine from our first clinic we came away with more medicine then we originally left with... I don't know how that happens, but I am learning that when you sow generously, you reap a generous harvest. Often times we think this to just mean with money... but the principle is so much bigger then money... if you sow grace, you will reap grace. If you sow forgiveness, you will reap freedom. If you sow love, you'll reap love. As we pour out all we have, we will be replenished with so much more then we could every dream or imagine. I am amazed.

I am also amazed at how God is so attentive to the cries of our hearts. Just this morning I was asking God for some encouragement... I needed a little 'atta gal, keep going' from Jesus... and God uses people. Today I received 5 encouraging notes that blessed me so much. I wasn't looking for the encouragement to come from people, rather I was looking to Jesus, but he chose to use people. I use to look all around for people to fulfill that need in my heart for acceptance and affirmation... but I would always be left empty and needing more and more to fill the emptiness inside. But now, as I look to Jesus first and ask Him for my every need, he fulfills it perfectly... sometimes he meets with me, and sometimes he sends people our way to encourage and love us.

anyhoo.

We are off and running doing more clinics this next week... thanks for praying, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for all of your prayers and support! God is answering every one of them! Hope you all are doing well.

chat soon!

.am.

Off and Running!

2009-06-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a little entry before we are all off and running!

These next six weeks are going to be crazy, awesome, and full! We are doing clinics and projects for the next 6 straight weeks. Please be praying for endurance and perseverance for all of us! We will need it! It is hard to describe exactly what doing 'clinics and projects' really means... it is not until you see it with your own eyes, or experience with your own hands that you would truly understand!

I hope to have some time to write while traveling with the team. As for now, I am exhausted and need to sleep before leaving tomorrow!

What truly matters is that God has been faithful. There have been many many little miracles in the past weeks that have blessed us all... As Tito always says, 'I love the little miracles...the big ones are great too, but it is the little ones that bless me the most...' I would have to agree with that... because it is in the little things that we can see and know that God is involved with even the smallest details of our lives... God does really care...

One quick thing I've been learning... The other day I was on the 1-2 hour morning commute.. And God was speaking to me. He was saying that every little hindrance that arises before me, every little thing that seems to be a set-back to advancing or getting to the place I am going... is just another opportunity for God to display his glory... So when things look dreary or even against us, we can look to God and ask for His help, and then fix our eyes on him and wait for him to display his goodness and kindness...

Every little thing he will use for the good of those who love him... I am learning to trust his words... for the are not just words, but they are life!

anyhoo. Not sure if any of that makes any sense... as I am nearly falling asleep as I type... but that's okay :)

much love to you all! thanks again for your prayers! I will post again soon!

blessings!

.am.

May, oh May.. where have you gone!?

2009-05-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to think that I have been in Guatemala for over a month now... It seems like I've always been here, yet the time has flown by. Not sure how both those things can go together... but they do :)

I am not going to write a lot tonight.. Just one thing.

It all comes down to love.

Truly... I can gain all the riches in the world... I could achieve the highest goals... I could give away all I own to the poor... feed all the children in the world... but if I lack one thing, called love... I am nothing...

I am learning to truly love...

yep.

that's it for tonight :)

hope you all are well. thanks for all your prayers and support. blessings this week!

.am.

May 20th.

2009-05-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what I will write about tonight, so I'll just start writing and we shall see what progresses.

Lets start with an update on what I've been doing... :)

A week ago I spent a few days in Palencia (A small town outside of Guatemala City... it is up in the mountains... there are some steep roads going up there... its an intense drive... but thankfully, i wasn't in the drivers seat!!). Palencia seems to be a city left for desolation, yet the people, the land, the history, and the potential in that place is beyond measure. While there I worked in a school with pre-kinder to 3rd graders... They are by far some of the sweetest children in Guatemala. I've been around a lot of children here, and these are some of the best. (Even a teacher who teaches at different schools said that these were very special children.) There is something about that place... it is waiting and longing to be released into greater freedom to flourish as it was created to... not just the school and children, but the whole city. I believe that God wants to bring revival in that town... and it is coming.

As for this week, I've been back in the city and working at the office... doing more communications work and helping gear up for clinics... I am excited!

Well. I could write down many more thoughts of what I've been learning about and how i have been growing spiritually and as a woman of God... but really, it is pretty much just the same things I've been learning this past year... so you should just check out one of my previous blogs... I guess that is kinda cheating on my part... but... its true!

The roots of a tree must be mature before the tree will bear fruit... my roots are maturing in Jesus, and it is God's heart that we bear much fruit...

John 15:7-9

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.

...and I've come to learn that the only way to develop maturity is by going through life... by taking what comes at you and learning from it.... So here I am learning how to consider life's little trials pure joy...

James 1:2-8

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

I love that God will give us wisdom if we'd only ask him... I am learning to ask...

:)

okay, well, now you are probably too tired of reading to read a different entry... but check em out sometime!

hope you are doing well. mucho amor!

.am.

Palencia!

2009-05-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

Hey all!

Well, as you might notice, I've taken off the video updates! For security precautions, I've decided not to post any more video updates regarding what we'll be doing with La Mision... I will update you on what we have done though! It is just a precaution that the team takes with anyone and everyone that comes down...

I will try and make a private facebook page and upload videos there... but for now, until I sort that out... I've decided to take them off :)

Anyhoo.

All is going well here! I am on my way to Palencia for a few days to help out the teachers and children at the school. I am looking forward to that!

Here is part of a post from a few days ago...

love you all so much! thanks for your prayers and support!!

Anyhoo. A quick update!

Today we spent all day gardening and cleaning the office... still getting everything organized and ready... It was nice to be outside today... I love gardening... it made me think of John 15:1-2...(the whole chapter is wonderful, and challenging... but here are 2 verses..)

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."

I was thinking about pruning today, as we were cutting back many overgrown things... and the pruning looked pretty ugly, but I know in a few weeks the places that were not pruned will be flourishing and budding with new life... abundant fruit... So it is with life... Sometimes things in us need to be trimmed back a bit... and as they are, other areas of our lives will become more fruitful. I know there are things in my life that are being pruned back during this time... and while it is a bit challenging, I know that God sees the whole picture, and is truly a master gardener... he knows where to trim and what will be produced because of the pruning... so I am just going with it!

What are some things that might need pruning in your life? As you ask that question, I pray that you will have courage and strength to press on and allow those things to be pruned, so that you too might bear much fruit... I encourage you to read John 15 as well!

Blessings to you all! Thanks for following along on this journey I am on! May you be blessed!

Dios te bendiga! (God bless you!)

.am.

Week One Video..

2009-05-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys!

Here is a video update! Thanks so much for all your prayers and support. I am blessed to have such wonderful friends and family such as yourself!

I hope to do some interviews with the team this next week, so you all can meet them and hear a bit about them!

Hope you all are well. Missing you all!

.am.

Week One... and some current thoughts...

2009-04-30T14:15:00.001-07:00

Well it has already been a week. I will be honest, it has gone by fast, but it feels like I’ve always been here. I think that is a good thing. The transition has been smooth and I have be able to hop right into serving and working with the La Misión team. It has been an awesome blessing on both sides. I guess that is how God works…we are called to be blessed and be a blessing. As we go and serve wherever we are, in love and with the heart of Jesus, we will surely be blessed as we bless. It is amazing how God works.

I have to say this week has not come and gone without any opposition. I find myself wrestling with doubtful thoughts and wrong mindsets… God is truly working on removing these from me. I have wrestled with distraction and desires of my heart yet to be fulfilled. It is so easy to want to take up those desires and make them happen in our own time. It is so easy to become impure in our motives and easily manipulate a situation. Well, maybe that isn’t everyone’s weakness… but I know it to be one of mine.

But God has been speaking to me through it all. I know in times past, I would face these pitfalls with intense insecurity. As these things were brought to the surface I would carry around guilt and shame, and even run and hide from God. Seeing these things in me would turn me away rather then draw me near. But something has changed and I am different. I face these things with the assurance that nothing can separate me from the Love of Christ. I have come to know that His love for me never changes, and even though these things are present in my life He desires and is willing to see me though… He desires me to be holy as he is Holy… and this is a working that I cannot do, it is only Jesus working in me and through me to make me as He desires. Not only this, but my security is now in Him, not in myself. His grace is sufficient and I trust in this grace. I use to waver in my faith as I was confronted with my failures and sin. Maybe this was because I didn’t believe that God truly understood me… and surely the mess that I am is too much for him to handle. I have come to know that He is far greater then all that I am. Any mistake, any sin is not too large for him to blot out and forgive.

So as I wrestle with these wandering thoughts and ridiculous mindsets that I currently operate out of, I know that He will be faithful to walk me through a process of deliverance and lead me into a place of freedom. Where my thoughts are His thoughts, and my ways are the way He does things. (Some might ask, why would you want that? And I would say… because I’ve experienced a love so great and so other that it demands my all. And the demand of this love is not a negative demand nor a burden… rather it is a joy to give everything I am to the one who gave His everything for me...)

It is a really freeing place to be… to be okay with where you are, what you struggle with, knowing your weaknesses but not being overcome by them. In my weakness He is made strong. It is only when we humbly accept our current shameful state that God will move us up to a place of greater freedom. I desire to be wholly devoted, completely surrendered and totally abandoned to all that God is and all he desires.

Diversity.

2009-04-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

I love how different we all are. We are all so beautiful in all our diversity. How boring would life be if we were all the same!? Granted, being different can make life a bit challenging. But I am learning to embrace people who are very different from me, who do things very different then I would do them. I am learning to watch and observe, being patient and listening. I think if we would show a bit more grace and patience with people around us, our lives would be a bit more free from stress and anxiety.

I guess we can only be okay with others when we become okay with ourselves. At least this has been my experience. And lets be honest, from childhood people have told us who we are... whether it be truth, or false. Sometimes we accept the false things spoke over us as truth. Sometimes we have to re-learn who we truly are, by listening to a voice outside ourselves. Anything that is spoken to me that comes from a motive of tearing me down, i choose not to listen to. I will receive constructive criticism, but I've learned that it is not good to listen to the voices that tear us down... we need to be built up and encouraged to become all that we were destined for. As I become more 'at home' with who I am, I am able to extend grace and freedom to others to be as they are and not as I think they should be. Also, when we are okay with who we are we begin to see past other people's downfalls and see the amazing things hidden within them... how cool is that!

So. There are a few thoughts for the night.

May you be encouraged and blessed. I pray that Jesus will begin to show you all the amazing things dwelling inside of you!

.am.

Guatemala!

2009-04-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I am officially in Guatemala! God is amazing. I hope to do video updates everyday... they might not make it to my blog everyday, but I will certainly be documenting my trip in many ways!

That is all for now! Here are the videos from my first two days!

Blessings to you, and may everything you put your hands to be blessed. Press in and make everyday count!

Chat soon!

.am.

more thoughts.

2009-03-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

Well. It has been a while.

I still haven't learned the art of being faithful and consistent with things I know I should do. Other things often spring up like ugly weeds choking out the beautiful things attempting to grow in our lives. Any gardener knows that pulling weeds regularly is important, unless you want the weeds to flourish in your garden and take over what is meant to be there.

All that to say, I still am learning to be faithful to write down my thoughts.

I was looking back at some of my journal entries... and they greatly encouraged me, reminding me of the Faithfulness of God... calling into remembrance the desert places he has brought me up out of and into lands flourishing with 'milk and honey'. He truly is faithful.

I am daily confronting the little voice that says, 'you have nothing good to say anyway, why are you writing?' The truth is, I have loads to say. I have words that bring Life. I have words that bring Love. And the words I speak or write are not my own, they are the words of Jesus. Some might say that is a very presumptuous statement, to say I speak the words of Jesus. But I say that with all humility in my heart, I am not perfect, I am not Jesus, but I am an ambassador of Him.

I guess I am just learning to stand on the truth of who I am IN Christ. There is no time to wallow around in self-doubt or hatred. There is no time to waste lingering in insecurity or fear. We have to rise up into all we were created to be, trusting in God to give us the grace to stand and walk with Him. All my hope is in Him. If He left me, I would be done. I would cease to be. Jesus is the only reason why I live.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth... so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103:22-13

Think about that for a few minutes. Think about how high the heavens, the universe is above the earth... now, that is how great his love is for you and me... think how far east goes away from the west... that is how separated we are from all our folly. That is incredible.

Blessings to you as you think about and consider Jesus.

.am.

Reasons why I love Jesus.

2009-03-10T10:25:00.001-07:00

Well. I really love Jesus a lot. I love that he really forgives me. I love that he is always with me, even to the end of the age. I love that I have ravished his heart with one glimpse of my eye. I love that Jesus picks me up and dusts me off when I fall down. I love that He receives me and accepts me as I am, even as a ragamuffin. I love that Jesus gives to me far more then I deserve. I love that He gives his gift away freely to all that ask. I love that Jesus is extends so much grace. I love that Jesus is justice. I love Jesus because he is so persistent. I love that He never gives up on our relationship. I love that Jesus has the best in store for me. I love that He knows how to get me to where I need to be, and how He graciously leads and guides me. I love that there are still more amazing mysteries about Jesus that I can search out and know. I love the tangible peaceful presence of my Jesus. I love how humble Jesus is. I love that Jesus does not waste any opportunity to draw us near to him. I love that Jesus is more then okay with who I am. I love that Jesus really loves me, for me. I love that Jesus sees all of me, even the deepest darkest parts of my heart that I even hide from… and He still loves me. I love that Jesus is not afraid of my fear and my sin. I love Jesus because He loves me so much to never leave me the same. I love Jesus because he is always opening my eyes to new surprises. I love Jesus because he has seated me with him in heaven, at the right hand of God. I love Jesus because he has made a way for me to have perfect relationship with my heavenly daddy again. I love Jesus because He speaks to me. I love Jesus because he has given me his holy spirit, my counselor who guides me into all truth. I love that Jesus is everything to me. I love Jesus because he is my sure foundation; He is my rock upon which I stand. I love Jesus because his name is truly great, at the sound of His name every knee will bow and every tongue confess that He is Lord. I love Jesus because he heals the sick. I love Jesus because he brings restoration to the broken. I love Jesus because He sets the captives free. I love Jesus because he makes the blind see. I love Jesus because he makes the deaf hear. I love Jesus because he brings resurrection life to the dead things in this world. I love the love Jesus has for his church. I love the relationship Jesus has with the father. I love that Jesus is making me one with the father, as He is one with the father. I love that Jesus is so faithful. I love that he hears my cries and answers them. I love that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I love that Jesus was a great example of what it means to be a leader. I loved that he did not just teach about what we should be like, but he painted a clear picture with His life. I love that Jesus was the message. I love that Jesus was a real man and struggled on this earth. I am glad Jesus was fully God and dwelled among us. I love that Jesus was a little baby. I love that Jesus loved his disciples so much. I love reading about their interaction and learning about how Jesus interacts with me. I love that Jesus sings songs over me. I love that Jesus walks me through the most difficult times. I love that Jesus weeps when I weep. I love that Jesus rejoices when I rejoice. I love that I am victorious in all things with Jesus. I love how I can’t even begin to understand how much He loves me. I love the look on Jesus’ face when he thinks about me. I love that Jesus is moving things and lining things up to bring me into my destiny. I love that he loves me.

Prayer and Confession of Psalm 23.

2009-03-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

Father, My loving Sheppard, my protector and guide. You are faithful and I am never in want. Thank you for leading me by green pastures and still waters, bringing refreshing and restoration to my soul. Thank you for leading me on the path of righteousness. Thank you for walking with me through the valleys of the shadow of death, and thank you that because you are with me I need not fear any evil. Thank you that your rod and your staff comfort me, your discipline and your guidance bring me comfort. Thank you for preparing a feast before me in front of my enemies, always providing abundantly in the midst of trials. Thank you for anointing my head with the oil and filling my cup overflowing. I know that your love and goodness will follow me every single day of my life, Thank you Jesus. I know that I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever, for this I am forever grateful. Thank you Lord Jesus for your mercy and grace. Thank you that you have heard my cry from the pit and raised me up to be seated at the right hand of God. How wonderful and glorious you are.

.daily discovering the depth and reality that is Jesus Christ, my salvation.

bless you.

.am.

Refresher.

2009-02-26T22:22:00.000-08:00

It has been a interesting 3 months since I've returned from LA.

The road has been a bit rocky and internally I've felt like i've been on a roller coaster going up, down, and all around. I thought I had the picture of what I was going to be doing, where I would be at, and how to get there... but as I came back and attempted to go down those different avenues, I quickly realized that I might not have it all figured out yet.

I find God to be kinda funny sometimes. He loves to speak to us of things before they happen. A few months ago I wrote about some insight God gave me through my experiences of driving in LA. It seemed that every time I would drive to a new place, I would make at least one wrong turn... if not many wrong turns. I found myself always getting a bit stressed out and anxious about it, but I never got lost. I might have been completely turned around, but somehow I always found my way to where I was purposed to go. It might have taken me a bit longer then expected, and I might not have taken the original route I had planned on, but I always ended up where I was purposed to go. By the end of my stay in LA I just planned on making a few wrong turns and being okay with the fact of getting a bit turned around. I didn't let it stress me out because I knew from experience that I would eventually end up where I needed to be.

God used those driving experiences to teach me about walking with him in my everyday life. He began to show me that there will be times that I make wrong turns, and even get a bit turned around. But he reminded me that as I fix my eyes on Him, and trust in Him, He will get me to where I need to be.

I write about this again because I have now lived this out to greater depths... These past 3 months have been somewhat directionless. I have pursued all the ways in which I thought I was suppose to go and none of them ended up taking me to my desired destination. With every effort and attempt to pursue a direction the door would close before me. I finally came to the end of myself and said to God, 'I've tried all I know to try, nothing is working out, so I guess you'll have to do something God.' Shortly after coming to this point an opportunity arose to go down to Guatemala. I don't know why this door opened up. But when you face a bunch of closed doors, you know an open door when you see one.

I don't know why, and I don't even know how, but I know the peace of God when I experience it. And that is what I follow. It always leads me where I need to go. Often times I don't understand it... and there is no rational rhyme or reason to the peace of God... but I've learned what it is like to have the peace that surpasses all understanding... for me, it is a knowing deep within me that says, this is right, walk this way... and I've learned to follow that, no matter where it takes me. That is how I know I will always end up where I need to be... I fix my eyes on all that Jesus was, and is, and will continue to be... and I follow the peace that He brings. He hasn't led me down a faltering path yet... He has been faithful to guide me and lead me in the paths that are right for me.

If you have never experienced the peace of Christ, today is your day. Just ask Him.

Jesus, I pray that you would show peace to those who ask you today. Thank you, Jesus.

.am.

Around the World.

2009-02-18T21:13:00.001-08:00

Well. I've been down in Guatemala the past 2 weeks, without internet. Hence the reason for not writing lately. Though there are plenty of things to be writing about. I had an incredible trip, with many exciting things to share. But for tonight I am only writing a quick little note.

There has been a few comments on a few of my blogs that I intend to answer, I just have not had the chance to sit and write! I have not forgotten your questions! I will write my thoughts to them soon! Thanks for your inquiries!

I hope to have some time in the next week to jot down some of my thoughts and experiences from the last two weeks. Stay tuned!

Blessings to you.

.am.

2009. A Year of Cultivation.

2009-01-25T22:15:00.000-08:00

The Lord has told me that this is to be year of cultivation... He is calling me to cultivate into my life the gifts and passions He has given me... along with cultivating the things I know I am called to as a follower and disciple of Christ.

Last year was a year of distinction. I recently read a family newsletter I sent out around Christmas time 07' giving the family an update on what I was doing... and I wrote in there that 2008 was the year of new beginnings and a year of distinction. And it truly was a year of distinction in my life. This is going to be a year where cultivation takes place.

Here is the definition of cultivation:

cultivate |ˈkəltəˌvāt|
verb [ trans. ]
1 prepare and use (land) for crops or gardening.
• break up (soil) in preparation for sowing or planting.
• raise or grow (plants), esp. on a large scale for commercial purposes.
• Biology grow or maintain (living cells or tissue) in culture.
2 try to acquire or develop (a quality, sentiment, or skill) : he cultivated an air of indifference.
• try to win the friendship or favor of (someone) : it helps if you go out of your way to cultivate the local people.
• [usu. as adj. ] ( cultivated) apply oneself to improving or developing (one's mind or manners) : he was a remarkably cultivated and educated man.

This is going to be a year of nurturing and growing in the things God has gifted me in... a few being: creativity, worship, photography, leadership, the prophetic, being a light in dark places, loving the hopeless and broken... there are many more things that God is stirring my heart toward...

Things I desire God to cultivate into my life: Living loved. By that I mean walking, breathing, thinking, being in a state of awareness of the unchangeable amazing Love of Jesus Christ for me. When we begin to get a hold of that kind of intense love and adoration from God... we begin to walk in incredible freedom... we no longer are driven by guilt and fear... but we are free to 'be' as we are... not as the world tells us we should be... not as we perceive we should be... but we will live out of the overflow of Love.

And if that is all that is cultivated into my life this year... then I will be overjoyed.

I will be honest, there are lies I have taken hold of as truth... such lies come against every one of the incredible gifts and qualities God has placed within me... things like a creative mind, worship, photography... I often hear myself thinking... aw that person does such a great job... I am no where near that creative... My photos are no where near as amazing as theirs... And I often hear the lie that there are so many creative people out there... why should I even try!? And God has confronted that lie with truth... He is the creator of the universe... the stars and the heavens... the animals and the creatures of the sea... he is the creator of our bodies, our minds... and we have yet to explore all of His creation... His creativity is endless and limitless... Surely, as I remain in Him, he will reveal endless creativity and marvelous expressions of His love and character... His creativity never ceases...

So... that is one reason for starting to add a bit of video to my blog. I have a heart to teach and preach the word of God. So, why not start where I am... I may not have an audience... but those who are faithful with the little they have will be given more... So here I am, trying to be faithful with what God has given me... Seeking His face and acknowledging Him in all I do! He is so good.

Ask God to confront the lies that you have believed as truth... Because He desires with all his heart that you would begin to walk in the freedom he died to bring you! He has such wonderful things for you, he is waiting and longing to give them to you... all you have to do is ask!

thanks for reading... and watching :)

blessings on the journey!

.am.

Trying out the video...

2009-01-23T21:56:00.000-08:00

So I decided that I would try and do some video blogging as well... I will share more about why I feel led to do this in my next post... but I wanted to try it out and just get it going tonight!

blessings!

Face down.

2009-01-22T22:51:00.000-08:00

There are sometimes when you honestly can not pick yourself up from the ground... and it is as though you try and try and try again to get up... but there is something holding you down... rubbing your face in the dirt and telling you you're never going to get up again.

I've been there. And it was in that time where I was face to the ground, trying my hardest to get up but being unable, that I cried out for help. I cried out for a savior, for someone to come and rescue me... because I was unable to pull myself up... all over the psalms we begin to see a pattern of someone crying out for God to save them, and then we read that God hears from heaven and comes down to rescue them...

It is true. God hears your cry. He hears the cries of your heart, and He is working and moving and bringing salvation and redemption into your ever circumstance... those are such big words to unpack... but they mean more then just your understanding of them currently. They are loaded with hidden gems of wisdom and revelation... we turn to many things to save us and redeem us... but they often turn out to be quite futile... Jesus is the only one who saves us completely.

I am realizing more and more each day how incredible it is that God really loves me. And it is not just because 'the bible tells me so' ... His love is becoming so tangible, and is transforming the very fiber of my being. His love is transforming my every thought... it is transforming my every action and deed... it is transforming my character...I am coming to a deeper understanding of what it means to be saved and to walk in salvation. Those use to be just big words with deep theological meaning that I didn't understand. But I am beginning to understand that Jesus became the debt that I owed and he paid it all off... so I didn't owe anything more... and not only did he pay off my debt, he credited my account with unlimited access to the kingdom of God... heaven... and heaven is not just full of fluffy white clouds and little cupid angels... it is a place where everything is healed and restored back to the perfect order of peace... no war, no tears, no sickness, no discord, no jealousy, no pride, no sin. Heaven is a place of freedom... and i have unlimited access through Jesus to heaven... to freedom. True Freedom...

amazing.

anyhoo. those are just a few thoughts tonight... I have so much more to learn.

.am.

Follow the yellow brick road.

2009-01-17T23:39:00.001-08:00

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a yellow brick road to follow? Like Dorothy and Toto... trying to get to the Emerald City... Wouldn't it be nice to have a bright yellow brick road, shining more then the sun... easy to see, easy to follow, easy to know where it starts and where it ends to guide us in life?!

Yeah, maybe that would be too easy... Or maybe our yellow brick road is actually laying out before us and we just haven't recognized it.

I've been finding much needed comfort in the Psalms lately. (Here is a word of advice... when facing hard times just turn to the Psalms and and let your heart join in the raw worship of the saints until your soul finds rest in the God alone.

Psalm 119:105 says:

Your word Lord is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path...

I am just realizing tonight as I think on the cries of the Psalmists... that they were all crying out for a clear path... they were all crying out to God to show them the way... they were all facing hard things, in the midst of hard things, or just finishing up going through something difficult... and it drew them into a deeper place of worship. It is no wonder why I've been led to the Psalms lately, because as we turn our eyes toward Jesus in worship, the troubles of our present situation turn strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace... (as the sweet sweet ol' hymn lyrics go... how true.)

I find myself in the same boat as the writers of the psalms. I am in a desperate place. I've come to a deeper understanding of my need for the salvation of Jesus. I am utterly forsaken without his presence in my life. There is nothing on this earth that could ever satisfy. There is nothing on this earth that could fill the need for love and acceptance in my life except for Jesus. No man, no job, no status or qualification, no relationship with family or friends, no material possession.... nothing will satisfy this deep need other than Jesus. Nothing will rescue my soul... other than Jesus... He is the prince of peace... He is the love that covers over multitudes and multitudes of sin.. in my life! WOW.

We come to these places of trials and tribulation for reasons bigger then our little minds can comprehend... and if we are looking with eyes that see only what is right in front of us we will definitely get discouraged by what we are facing.... but if we can only ask for the strength to see through the eyes of Jesus... if we ask for His perspective on things... we will see what is actually going on... we will see the maturing of our faith... we will see the development of perseverance... we will see Jesus taking us from glory to glory... we will see that we are learning to stand... we are learning to walk... And that is why James can say... consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds... If it takes me walking through hardship to realize how much I need Jesus and because of that realization I become closer and more dependent upon him, then I say bring on the hardships... I want to belong solely to God... I want to be wholly devoted to Him and Him alone... I want to be as close to Jesus on this side of heaven as He sees possible.

So praise Jesus. He is moving every obstacle out of the way... and making a path, shining his light, bringing me to glory, bringing me to Him... bringing me to Life... Jesus.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Pslam 16:11

I just read this tonight. While struggling to figure out my 'path' in life... I realize HE is the path of life... and JESUS has been made known to me... I know the path of my life because I KNOW Jesus. He is the Way. And it is when I spend time in his presence that HE FILLS me with joy... apart from his presence I wont have joy... at his right hand, another way to emphasize 'his presence' I will experience eternal pleasures... I will experience a bit of heaven as I spend time in his presence.

incredible.

God is good, even in the hardest of hard times...

blessings to you.

.am.

Wrong turns and final destinations.

2009-01-13T22:48:00.000-08:00

One thing I learned while living in LA was how to make wrong turns.

In most every outing to a new place I would make at least one wrong turn and have to back track or turn around in order to get to my destination. I learned how to make wrong turns. I never got lost while down in LA, but there were many times when I had no idea where I was... but I never considered myself lost, because I always arrived at my desired destination. I might have been a few minutes late, and maybe a bit frustrated that I had been turned around... but the truth is, I arrived safe and sound, in one piece... every time.

So why am I writing this? Why share that little story now?

Because I find myself still making many inconvenient turns on this journey of life... I am going in a new direction and the destination is a place i've never been before... and the road to get there is brand new. I have tried a few avenues and they have not turned out to be the right way... so I am having to back track a bit and turn around. And while I feel a bit lost, I know I am going to find my way... because I always end up where I am suppose to be... (not because of anything I do, but because of Grace.) God is graciously determining my steps day by day... even when I seem to try and take control of everything... He is still bigger.

I once heard a picture story about the beautiful sovereignty of God. I am like the sail boat with my sails up or down depending on the wind I desire to catch and the direction I desire to go... and God is like the current of the ocean and the wind in the air... While I might put up my sails and take them down... His current within the ocean is by far greater and more powerful then my tiny sails... and He is able to direct me wherever He desires... He is faithful to get us to the place that He desires... I am thankful that He is so faithful.

I have no idea where I am going... I don't feel like I have any road map or vision of where I am journeying to... But the Holy Spirit brought me comfort today as I cried out for some direction... He reminded me that JESUS is the way...

Jesus is the way.

and thats it. That really is it. I don't have to have the destination before me, or a map that tells me where to turn and where to stop and go. All I need is Jesus. Jesus is my map. Jesus is my guide. He is the way.

So here I am. I've just dropped my classes for this term... I don't get it, it doesn't make any sense in my little brain to hold out on school once again... but I know it is the right thing for now. And that is hard for me to be okay with. It is really hard. It is humbling to submit to Jesus and lay my heart at his feet. It is humbling to give something up that seems so important. It is humbling to let go and trust... especially when we don't understand... but I guess that is really trust isn't it? To be able to say Yes to God without knowing what we are saying yes to... and just trusting that He is good, and He has some kind of awesome plan... and It is going to be worth it all... I know it will be.

Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy...

But just when I think I've lost it... God comes and confirms that I am hearing him... So I have to let the peace of Christ that transcends all understanding lead me in His ways...

anyhoo.

I am becoming okay with making wrong turns. I would rather not make the wrong turns... but sometimes they make the journey that much more exciting. What is an adventure without having to discover the way?

May you have the humility to receive grace as you journey through this life. May you follow the road of peace and have the willingness to drop everything that does not lead you on that road... May Jesus shine his face upon you and our path.

blessings.

.am.

catching up.

2009-01-10T22:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am going to write a 'catch up' blog. I have not had the time to write out my thoughts, but I have jot down some reminders of things i've been pondering lately... so here is a quick collage of different thoughts...

A week or so ago I was driving in my car... pondering destiny and my purpose in life... once again... And lately I've been confronted with doubt and fear concerning my destiny and purpose. While I have an idea of what I am made to do and will one day do, I often come face to face with fierce opposition... and that opposition frankly does not want me to believe the destiny God has set before me.

I was questioning in my heart, 'are we truly a chosen generation?' Instantly I recognized that tone of question... it sounds just like the enemy... who's question to eve in the garden was 'did God really say not to eat of this tree's fruit?' The enemy's classic tactic is to question God's directives. Classic.

I realized that we are a part of a chosen generation and God has destined for us mighty and marvelous things... but we have to believe Him... if we give into the voice of lies we will not have the strength or courage to rise up and be all that God has destined us to be... It was so clear as I was driving... If the devil can get us to buy into his lies, he wins... as our eyes are mesmerized by the enemy time flies by... and he kills, steals, and destroys all that he can... and we miss the fullness of all that God desires... but God is bigger, and as we place our hope in Him we renew our strength.. and with My God I can overcome all things... I am more than a conqueror in Him... So I am choosing to once again fix my eyes upon Christ, the author and perfecter of my faith... His grace is sufficient and there is no one else like Him!

anyhoo.. thats one thing I've thought about lately... this blog might get long... I have 4 other things to write about... :)

Ask for wisdom. God greatly desires to raise up people who will lead with wisdom. God has been showing me many things through everyday encounters with people... it has been incredible... so ask Jesus for his wisdom, ask him to open your eyes and your heart to the voice of the Holy Spirit...

I was walking in a bad part of town last week... it was mid-morning, and there was not many people out. There was just a dark feeling around that part of town. I was praying in my car on the way up that the Glory of the Lord would radiate from me, that his light would shine everywhere I went that day, and that his love would be made known through my life. And as I was walking, I carried a confidence I haven't had in a while. Ahead of me were 2 african american gentlemen walking across the street. One of them turned around and saw me and hollered out some greeting. He said something about my beauty and walking like I own the place... I said that my beauty and confidence is because of Jesus... He said, 'OH! that's what it is! I knew it!' As we walked our conversation continued a bit. We parted ways, and I thought it was incredible that a perfect stranger saw the beauty of the Lord within me. I was reassured of His presence and power dwelling within me, walking with me everywhere I go.

Later that same day, I parked in the parking garage at school... of course I managed to park in the dodgiest part of the garage... it was just a dark part... not so much in the physical.. there were lights around... but it just seemed eerie. (it could have been the shattered glass from a broken window a few empty spots down...) Anyhoo. I parked there in spite the darkness. Turns out on the way back from my class a few hours I stumbled upon three guys in the secluded stairwell getting ready for a drug swap of some kind. I confidently walked through them apologizing for my awkward interruption and went on my way... I thought to myself...'you are nuts, don't ever park in that part of the garage again... and don't ever walk down those stairs again...' But in my spirit I know I am called to be a light in dark places... and so I thanked Jesus for being a light through me exposing darkness... I bet those guys were feeling a bit worried and convicted inside as I walked by and caught them in the act of doing something they all know is not good. God does interesting things. (I am excited for the day when people are healed from their sickness as I walk by them and my shadow passes over them... HA! Incredible)

Well. I have a few more stories to tell... but I think I'll save them for my next blog.

God is faithful. And I am learning how to stand firm and praise him in times of trails and in times of blessing... I thought about how Paul, when in prison began to praise the Lord, singing hymns and songs of praise... then the prison broke open and all were able to go free... I think that is still how it is when we are in a spiritual prison... all we must do is praise God in the midst of our circumstances and eventually those prison doors will fling open and we will be free... break free by singing praise.

blessings to you.

.am.

a new year is here...

2008-12-31T15:47:00.000-08:00

Well. It is New Years Eve. WHAT!? Already a new year... where does time go? It seems so surreal that I am on the edge, peering over the vast land that awaits exploration... I wonder what the year of 2009 holds.

I don't have much battery life in my computer, so this might be a short entry... but an entry none the less...

It is always interesting coming to the points of life where we are drawn to reflection and introspection... and in the moment of calling things to remembrance I am taken from the frustration of being in the vacuum of transition... where everything seems to be standing still... and I am floating without direction... I love remembering the faithfulness of God... where he has taken me and all the things he has done... He is so amazing.

So tonight, I will lay aside my doubt and wondering, my frustration and worry... to praise Him for his incredible faithfulness to me my entire life... He is good and worthy of all that I am!

blessings to you this new years eve... and may you find all the hope and joy He desires to pour upon you!

I will write more later... when my computer is plugged in!

.am.

.the Hope of Glory.

2008-12-28T23:55:00.000-08:00

I am not sure what to write about tonight... I had such an incredible day.

Too much to share in a tiny little blog.

Sometimes we have a greater impact on things than we can see or comprehend. I tend to underestimate Christ in me... the Hope of glory.

I was driving today and worshiping God... (my drive time is always spent with Jesus... I often have profound revelation while driving... interesting...) anyhoo. I was driving and listening to a worship CD and had many new revelations.

I thought about how we, God's children (and when I say God's children, I mean humanity...), we are His glory. We are the ones he decided to put the fullness of himself into... through Jesus... His glory is not given to a statue or a shrine... it is not confound to an animal or object... but God in his wisdom choose to place his glory in his most precious creation... you and me... we are made in his image... We carry his glory... We are his glory... He has more glory then just us, but we are a part of that glory...

'and the glory of the Lord filled the temple...' (1 Kings 8:11... and other places...)

We are the temple... (1 Corinthians 6:19) You and I, our bodies are the temple of the Spirit of Jesus. These are pretty radical thoughts when you think about them... When we start to have revelation of who we really are... how amazing we truly are... in spite of all our junk and how we perceive ourselves... as our eyes are opened to see through the eyes of Jesus and we begin to see clearly the desire and design of God upon our lives... and how incredible we are because of Him... wow... watch out... we will become forces to be reckoned with...

it's no wonder so many of us are walking around broken and blind... it is right where our adversary wants us to be... out of commission, in identity crisis, carrying doubt and fear as our best mates...

but WE ARE THE GLORY OF GOD... the hope of Glory... what a radical and life transforming concept... I was changed a bit more today.

or how bout this thought: You are the inheritance of God. WHAT!!? Incredible...

Today I realized we don't fully understand some concepts within the cultures and traditions of ages past... and we miss out on the depths of wisdom in the scriptures... I am hungry for some deeper understanding... What does it mean to be an inheritance of God... How does that become a piece of the foundation of who I am!? That should really change some bad thought patterns shouldn't it!? Come on!

So much more happen today... it was a day filled with the beauty of God... and Jesus knows exactly when we need a 'pick-me-up' ... and he is faithful to provide our every need.

I pray that Jesus would continue to reveal who He is... and as you see Him, you see the Father... and as you see the Father, you are looking into a mirror... showing your true reflection... He doesn't mind what you look like right now... He has his eyes set on who you are becoming... May your eyes see through his... and may it shake you to the core.

blessings.

.am.

It isn't about me?

2008-12-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

Today I got rocked by Jesus.

I was graciously reminded about the depth and wonder of the season we are in. In two days is Christmas. And to think that I almost missed it... God is so gracious.

The reason I almost missed it is because I've been wrapped up in myself a bit lately... I briefly lost sight of the main thing... and it is so easy to do...

It is true that if you choose not to exercise something, it will loose strength. That is a truth physically with your body, it is true with your mind, it is true with learning, and it is true with our relationships with people and God. If we choose not to invest time and energy into something that we have obtained, it will end up becoming the dusty thing on the shelf, loosing value and meaning with every moment of neglect that passes by. Whatever we loose sight of may remain deeply important to us, but as we loose sight we tend to forget how much we love whatever we are forgetting...

but then! one day we are reminded about the dusty object on the shelf.. and we take hold of it, clean it up and remember how important that thing is to us...

I was taken to a deeper place today as I remembered the 'reason for the season'... as cheesy as that sounds... it is true. God, out of his infinite wisdom decided to become like us... in the most ridiculous, preposterous and unlikely way... putting all his incredible power, love, and his saving grace into a little tiny baby... becoming bound by the limitations we are bound by... yet still obtaining the fullness of God... fully baby, fully God... and He came for me, to make a way back to the place I was created for... a place of free relationship with my creator... I don't understand it all... but I sure am thankful that God would reach down and make a way for me to come to him, rather then leaving me all alone to figure out something for myself. What a load off of my shoulders! All I have to do is accept his free gift... He is the best gift I could ever receive... nothing compares to Him.

May you have revelation of the true gift of the Christmas season... May you see past all the consumerism and neat gadgets and find for yourself the best gift that was ever given... Jesus.

.being refined daily.

.am.

Oh, how lovely it is to dance!

2008-12-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

My fingers are eagerly wanting to dance across the keys and type a beautiful melody. And so it is with my soul, eagerly awaiting the King to ask me to dance.

I am blessed tonight with a fresh outpouring of faith that Jesus is truly good, and He is smiling with anticipation, awaiting the perfect moment to open all of heaven over my life and dance with me into my destiny.

It is amazing when you get to the place where you trust in the Love of Jesus with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Because in that place of trust, the world can come crashing down all around and yet it doesn't even phase you... You could be completely directionless and lost, yet it doesn't matter... because you are captivated by one thing... His incredible, everlasting love.

I pray that the Love of Jesus would be made so real and tangible to you in the days to come. May Jesus show you the condition of your heart and then graciously remind you that He loves you right where you're at.

.learning to be loved and to love.

.am.

passion and purpose... what's my destiny?

2008-12-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me today, "What were you made to do?" "What are you passionate about?"

Isn't this the question we are all dying to find the answer to? We search high and low, trying to find out where we fit in this mess of a world. We are constantly trying to find our meaning and purpose in life. Where does your meaning come from? What gets you up in the morning? What are you living for? Many people in America would say they get up to go to work. They work to support their family, pay the bills, and try to 'get ahead in life'... While these are noble things, is this all our lives amount to? Is that all there is in life? I hope not. I know it isn't for me.

My meaning in life comes from one place: Jesus.

My purpose in life is to daily be more like the meaning of my life: Jesus.

That might sound absolutely foolish. And maybe it is... But maybe the foolishness of God is far more wise then the wisdom of our finite minds...

While some might say, 'well that is just the typical Sunday school answer to the question...' I would say we have made that answer to be the typical, but our lives definitely do not reflect our 'a-typical Sunday school' answer. I truly find all my meaning in Jesus, and my purpose in life is to be more like him everyday and bring His light and love into a dark and loveless world. This is the highest thing I could ever seek to attain.

I still ponder the question of my life purpose. What was I made to do? Noah was destined to build an ark to save a remnant. Moses was destined to lead the nation of Israel out of slavery. Joshua was destined to lead the nation of Israel into the promised land. David was destined to be a king, and a man after God's heart. The apostle Paul was destined to preach the good news to the gentiles... I could go on and on... We all have a purposed destiny. We all have a calling on our life.

So what am I destined to do?

First off, I am destined to daily: live with faith, walk with Him, and trust Him (Him being Jesus). In all things, every word, every action, every deed... everywhere I go, I am called to love as Jesus has loved me. Everything I find myself doing must come from the overflow of the Love of God. I am destined to 'become the message' meaning everything that comes forth from my life will reflect the message of Christ's love for his children.

These are the small things that Christ has called me to be faithful to... (in actuality these are no small tasks! But in comparison to what I will one day do, these are the foundational things that Jesus will be building upon in my life) He says be faithful with the little... So I am daily growing in faithfulness to these things.

My passions are many. I have a heart for worshiping Jesus. In every deed and action, but also through song and dance. I have great passion for children and youth. I delight in seeing the potential within people and calling it out. I am passionate about raising up young people to walk in holiness and purity... Raising up young people to be men and women of God. I delight in releasing captives... bringing freedom to people walking in bondage. I delight in bringing hope to hopeless places. I am passionate about the young people that are rejected by society. I am passionate about the orphaned and widowed. I am passionate about going to the nations, going to the people of the nations and sharing the love of Jesus. I am passionate about intercession (praying and seeking revival on behalf of others). I am passionate about seeing the Kingdom of Heaven invade this earth. I am passionate about living in community. I am a leader. I am passionate about the Word of God. I am passionate about writing. I am passionate about photography. I am passionate about creativity. I am passionate about equipping people with the tools they need to succeed. I am passionate about teaching and preaching. I am passionate about bringing healing to the sick, raising the dead, and releasing people from spiritual bondage... (the 'sugar coated' version of: casting out demons :) I am passionate about encountering the Love of Jesus and helping others have encounters with his love.

well. those are just a few things that come to mind as I think about my passions. Maybe that will give you an idea why I don't quite have my destiny nailed down yet... It is easy if Jesus just gives you one thing to do. And I think he has given me a few specific things to do... (the things I am destined to do daily.) As far as all these other things coming into play in my life... I guess we will have to wait and see... He is God and I am not... My life is in his hands and He will do whatever he wants... and trust me, it will be incredible! I guess there might come a day when Jesus sums it all up and tells me exactly what He wants me to do... but I haven't received it in a nice and tidy little gift box yet... :)

Anyhoo. I was inspired to think on such things, and so I thought I would write them down... thanks for reading...

May you be encouraged by the knowledge that Jesus will finish the good work started in you... (we are all good works in progress... if not, then why would God have created us and then said... 'it is good...'?)

Blessings to you as you find your passions and purpose.

.am.

on the edge of something new...

2008-12-15T21:47:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe almost twenty days have passed since my last entry... wow. Once again I am amazed at how the time continues to fly by whether you are paying attention or not. The days continue without skipping a beat... the sun rises and sets... the earth does a full rotation every day... children are being born and people are breathing their last breath. Miracles are happening all around us. God never sleeps...and every morning His mercies are fresh and new... incredible!

Simple truths of God are becoming more real to me everyday. Simple things I say and confess faith in are being opened up in a greater depth then ever before. I am marveling at the greatness of God. I have not been in the desert place, but I find that my hunger and thirst for the deeper things of God are much like a lonely wanderer lost in the desert and parched for thirst... I am desperate for Him. I was in a church service last Sunday and we were singing the song 'This is the air I breath' and there is a part in the song where it says 'I am desperate for you, I am so lost without you' I began to cry out in desperation as looked around at the faces of all the people in worship... We have lost the sense of our desperation for God. We have not seen our utter deprivation apart from Jesus. We have forgotten how lost we are without him. I am crying out for a fresh wave of being desperate to see God, to know Him, to taste his goodness.

There is an aching deep within me for a deeper relationship with the lover of my soul. And nothing else will satisfy this intense hunger within me.

Last night I was sharing my heart with Jesus, and was asking him about the things He has in store for me... Honestly, I was complaining a bit about the journey and venting my frustration about where I am. (I guess it is kinda like the story of David... He knew he was anointed to be the king, yet he spent 14 years running for his life... I am sure there were days when David would cry out to God and say... 'Lets get on with this thing God... I am done running for my life, can't i just be king yet?!) I haven't been hiding out in caves and running for my life, but I know I am destined for so much more...

God kindly encouraged me and reminded me that every where I go and everything I do is a seed planted for the Kingdom of Heaven. Every act of love, every kind word, every prayer and embrace is a seed... and that seed is eternal and will spring up and produce fruit. Be faithful with the little and He will give you so much more.

It is far too easy to lay back and be passive on the journey to our destiny... but it is on the journey that we are being prepared to step into our destiny... what I do today will determine whether I 'wander the desert for 40 years, or cross over into the promised land' ... I pray that we all embrace with joy where we are and go for Jesus with all our hearts, souls, and strength... Knowing He is so faithful to determine our steps and He will get us where He desires.

May he place in your heart a hunger and thirst for truth that brings life and freedom.

.am.

What culture do you reflect?

2008-12-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

Today I pondered culture.

It was brought to my attention (once again) that people of the Christian faith, including myself, often try their very hardest to fit in. We have become very good at miming and mimicking the culture around us... Not only have we become a mirror image of the world, but we also turn to the image we are reflecting and condemn it for being as it is... all the while we are blinded to our own condition.

Today I have been challenged to live a different life. Christ calls us to not conform to the patterns of the world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. I want to be a person that carries change... I want to be a revivalist, a revolutionary. I want to influence the cultures of the world. But in order to do this I must 'be the change I desire to see' as Gandhi so brilliantly puts it.

I desire to see the culture of Heaven invade earth. I've been challenged to ask God what the culture of heaven looks like. What is it like to stand in heaven before our creator and marveling at all His glory... What is it like to be in a place where troubles cease, sickness does not abound, and joy surrounds us constantly... and my answer to that question: I don't know. I am not sure. But I want to find out. I am hungry for something more then what I see in the earth today. I am hungry to know something other then hate and greed, lust and every evil thing... I want to know a different culture. I want to experience the culture of the Kingdom of Heaven.

If there is ever going to be peace, we have to cultivate peace in our everyday lives. If there is ever going to be a love revolution, we must start by learning how to receive love and love others. Whatever we want to see happen we must first begin to implement that very thing into our everyday lives.

We Christians claim that we have Christ living within us, but we can not merely profess our belief. Our true belief shines brightly through our actions. Christ healed the sick, raised the dead, cast out demons, set the captives free, brought love, glory, and revelation everywhere he went... The world is waiting for the King of Glory to be made known... and it is through our lives of service and our actions of love that carry His glory into the ends of the earth. Is Christ in you doing those things? None of us are perfect including myself, but I desire to be more bold and courageous everyday... Allowing the Hope of Glory radiate in increasing intensity with every step I take.

So I was challenged once again today to be a history maker by daily setting myself apart. Everyday I am learning about what it means to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I will not give into the patterns of the world and I will daily seek out what Kingdom culture looks like.

It all starts with a simple surrendering of our hearts to Jesus... and our lives will never be the same! What an incredible adventure it has been thus far... I can barely wait for what Jesus has in store for my life in the next 5 years!

May he bless you with revelation and dedication to understand what the culture of Heaven is like. And may Jesus give you endurance to cultivate the change within your life that will enable his glory to be made known throughout the earth!

Blessings.

.am.

running to win.

2008-12-01T20:59:00.001-08:00

It is incredibly easy to do just enough to get by.

Does anyone else have that mindset sometimes, or is it just me?

There is a major difference between running the race to finish, and running the race to win. At some points in life all we can do is run to finish... but there are times when running to finish is not enough, we must learn how to run to win.

I desire to run the race of life with passion rather then with a sluggish heart. Running to win isn't about winning or loosing, but it's about going for something with everything that you are.

I have found there is only one thing worth giving my entire life to, and that is Jesus. I've chased after many things in life and all of them have left me empty and unsatisfied. So here I am running hard after all that God is, and everyday I find out that He is a bit more amazing then I perceived the day before.

Bill Johnson says this: Salvation is free but revival will cost you everything.

I don't merely want my soul to be saved, but I want a revival within me of everything I was created to be. That means I must give everything I have built over to Jesus and let Him transform me into something more incredible then I could ever dream or imagine.

I can get by on just a taste of Jesus, but a taste is not what I desire. I want to know all of who He is. That takes complete surrender, and that is what I am learning to do.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:24:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the price? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

In order to 'run in such a way as to get the prize' one must go into strict training. There has to be a time of practice and preparation. This has and continues to be the season of preparation... and preparation is just as much part of the race as the actual event.

I am learning to run the race to win the prize. I pray that you too will grow in revelation about what God is calling you to do to prepare yourself so you may run the race with passion and perseverance to win the prize!

.am.

freedom in being you.

2008-11-30T22:25:00.000-08:00

I am reminded tonight that sometimes we just have to cut loose and pour out our hearts.

I've been having troubles sitting down to write lately. Too often I place so much pressure on myself to do things perfectly, and if I can't do it perfect then I choose not to try.

I am learning to get past that fear of failing and just be who I am, wherever I am, with whomever I am with. It is quite liberating being okay with who you are.

ventilation.

2008-11-13T23:23:00.001-08:00

It is in our moments of weakness that we will likely see the devil rear his head at us in attempt to utterly destroy us. If not to utterly destroy us, he'll attempt to distract and steer us just enough off course that we fall down. As we fall down he hopes that a snowball effect of discouragement will over take us and we become disbelieving and unyielding to the Grace of God.

(You might say, wow annie, thats a bit heavy. what is going on with you?)

And to that question I would answer, I've been sick. My body is weak and I've had to stay in bed for the past few days. It is so easy to give into the temptation of distraction. It is so easy to begin to meditate upon other things then Jesus, the love of my life. And it is so easy to give my affections to worthless idols in times of weakness. Anxiety has been a companion of mine in the past. I've often gotten worked up about the future and the destiny God has for my life. While I feel like I have overcome much of this dreadful way of living, there are some days where those dirty little anxious thoughts try to creep in and rob me of joy. You could say that anxiousness has come to pay me a little visit.

Here is what Peter says in the fifth chapter of his first letter, verses seven through nine:

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith...

We can either choose to let anxiety rule and consume our thinking, or we can 'cast' all those thoughts upon the Lord. I am telling ya, I feel much better when I am not carrying around a bunch of anxious thoughts. Plus, anxiety is just a flimsy gimmick of the enemy to try and distract us from the good stuff... peace and rest in Jesus!

Anyhoo.

I am making the most of this little visit and learning how to live out the word that tells me to 'be anxious for nothing...' I Guess you can't master something if you don't practice, eh?

~learning to rest by casting my cares upon Jesus~

.am.

2008-11-11T22:30:00.000-08:00

I wonder what is going on in the mind of annie may tonight. I am a bit drowsy and clouded tonight. It might be the flu coming on, but hopefully it will all be better in 24 hours.

So just a quick thought tonight.

I am coming to appreciate God's unfairness according to the perspective of man. In other words, I am thankful God is not fair in our eyes. Think about it... Instead of getting the punishment of death, which is the consequence my fleshly desires would lead me to... I get forgiveness, life, joy, peace, mercy and grace.

Not only am I learning to appreciate God's unfair blessing, I am learning to extend it to others. I am learning to live out what Jesus teaches... Bless those who curse you and pray for those who persecute you. And what about those who do the unspeakable to you? Who are completely undeserving of mercy and forgiveness!? Jesus says: forgive as I have forgiven you.

WHAT!? That is absolutely preposterous! Who does that! Most would say that principle is not fair. Not only do most think that is unfair, but they show it by their actions. If you ask christians today if they are clinging to any past hurts, or if there is someone they still have grudges against, I reckon the vast majority would say 'yes'. But think about it, extending grace and forgiveness leads us to life. I never feel better when I am stewing over something that happened years ago. But there is an incredible liberation that comes along with letting the past hurts and grudges go. Its almost like hitting the 'empty trash' button on the computer. You free up so much more space after emptying the rubbish!

He gives us life instead of death. He gives us mercy instead of condemnation. He gives us hope instead of despair. Jesus is Good.

What if we really got a glimpse of how great God is, and how much He has given us instead of what we truly deserve. I think it might get just a bit easier to let go of the things that hold us down and tie us up. When we hold onto pain and hurt that others have caused us, or if we hold onto our negative ways and patterns of thinking, it prevents the grace of God to wash over us and make us new. Although, as we lay those things down and let go, God's grace comes rushing in and begins a new work in our lives. It is a work of restoration and healing. Being made new is absolutely incredible.

So. I am going to be more intentional about letting things role off me like water off a duck's back. Half the stuff we get worked up about is really silly anyway. God is too amazing to get caught up on silly little things.

Proverbs 3:3-4:

Let not steadfast love and faithfulness leave you; bind them around neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good success in the sight of God and man.

Learning how to let go, more and more.

.am.

How I know I am loved by God.

2008-11-08T19:48:00.000-08:00

You love me because I am your creation.

You love me because I am made in your image.

You love me because I have Jesus living and dwelling within me.

You love me because I am your precious child.

You love me so much that you made a way for me to boldly approach your throne of Grace.

You love me and you died for that love.

You love me and you have forgiven me totally.

You love me and have given me power and authority on earth through Jesus.

You love me and I reign with Christ.

You love me and understand all that I have ever gone through and will ever face.

You love me and hear my every cry.

You love me and you see each tear that falls from my eyes.

You love me and are always beside me, guiding me and protecting me.

You love me and have made me beautiful.

You love me and have equipped me for all that you have planned and destined for my life.

You love me and have freed me from all of my past sin and shame.

You love me and establish me, protecting me from my enemy.

You love me and walk with me through the valleys of the shadow of death.

You love me and give me rest.

You love me and I have nothing to fear as I rest in you.

You love me completely.

You love me and you see me completely.

You love me with an everlasting love.

You love me with an unfailing love.

You love me with a supernatural and eternal love.

Your love never fails.

You love me and you have prepared good things for me.

You love me and are working all things out for my good.

You love me and lavish your grace upon me.

You love me and continually pour out your blessings upon my life.

You love me and your mercies are new every morning.

You love me and require nothing from me in return.

You love me and there is nothing I can do to earn your love.

You love me and there is nothing I can do to make you love me more or love me less.

You love me and delight in my life.

You love me and delight in my heart.

You love me and delight in my song.

You love me and delight in my mind.

You love me and delight in my love.

You love me and guide my steps.

You love me and direct my feet.

You love me and are building my character.

You love me and lead me in this dance of life.

You love me and provide perseverance for me.

You love me and can calm any storm.

You love me and you are my Savior.

You love me and delight in my faith.

You love me and you delight in showing me the Kingdom of Heaven.

You love me and you delight in giving me the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven.

You love me for me.

You love me as I am.

You love me and I have nothing to fear.

You love me and delight in showing me your kindness.

You love me and will never leave me.

You love me and will never forsake me.

You love me even when I am grumpy.

You love me even when I fall down.

You love me even when I don't know the steps.

You love me even when I mess up.

You love me even when I mess up big time.

You love me even when I completely blow it.

You love me even when I don't say the right things.

You love me even when I can't see.

You love me even when I can't hear.

You love me even when I choose others before you.

You love me and there is nothing I can do to separate myself from Your love.

You love me and there is nothing that can separate me from Your love.

You have always loved me.

You continue to love me now.

The days are too short.

2008-11-03T11:04:00.000-08:00

The days are too short, or maybe they just pass by far too swiftly.

Just 6 short months ago I was wondering what direction God was going to be taking me in. I seemed to come to a dead-end point where there seemed to be no where else to go. And at the point of being directionless and stuck, God opened up a way. The winds of change gathered up momentum and pressed me forward into the season of transformation and new life.

And six months later I am nearing another transitional period of life. Just as autumn is the distinguishing transition between summer and winter, so I seem to be in the same short transition into a new season. I am quite excited to see what new things lie just around the corner!

My life is daily being filled with measureless joy. Although, some days I am troubled by the path I have chosen. I am not fearful, and I am not doubtful. Rather I am saddened that many will not understand nor agree with the choices I make and the path I walk. Many will call me foolish. To the ordinary eye, God's wisdom seems to be foolishness. But I have set my eyes and my heart like a flint upon God's heart and I must please him before I please people.

Society tells me to plan for the future, society tells me to find myself a good paying career and stay there for 40 years+ and prepare for retirement. Society tells me to climb up the social status ladder, to go along with cultural norms and fill up my home with the latest gadgets because I deserve it. Not only do I deserve it, but these things will somehow fill a voided place in my heart and make me happy.

(I am not advocating being a bum, or being lazy. And I am not at all trying to disrespect those who do work very hard at what they do. I encourage you to do your best at whatever you feel called to do. What I am saying is that I too must work very hard at what I am being called to. And it most likely will not look the same as what everyone else is doing.)

Even those I love the most will probably question and even ridicule me at some point in time. But I am prepared to continue in humble submission to the King of kings, and I am prepared to love those who persecute me and bless those who curse me.

I have often been reminded of the testimony of Noah. I am amazed at his faithfulness to please God and be obedient despite ridicule and mockery. Could you imagine!? No rain in sight yet this guy is building an ark. People probably thought he was insane! But when the floodgates of the heavens opened up and it rained for 40 days and 40 nights straight, I am sure people were not thinking he was insane.

I want to be as faithful as Noah. I doubt God will call me to build an ark, but I do believe He will call me to do some things that might look and sound crazy to some. But I must go where He leads me.

So. To all those who know me and will know me: if you think I am crazy, it's okay. Because I probably think I'm crazy too. Noah had to of thought he was a bit crazy to believe God and then be obedient! It is called risk taking. But as we hear God and step out trusting God to be God, then we will not be disappointed. He never fails.

~Fixing my eyes on Christ~

.am.

swift obedience.

2008-10-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever taken a look at some of your childhood memories and found that your parents' actions were justifiable? For example, did you ever wonder why you had to hold your parent's hand as you walked down the street. It never made sense at the time, but as you get older you understand the wisdom in their request. Or how about the time when you wanted to ride your bike to a friends house and your mom yells from the drive way, 'Come back here and put on your helmet!!' Inside you say to yourself, 'I hate wearing that stupid helmet... in hurts my head... and I am only going down the street!'

I am not sure these are sufficient examples to relate my thoughts tonight, but they will have to do.

I can see God doing the same thing in my life today. As I draw closer and closer to Jesus, I often hear the Father ask me to do something that I don't understand, and don't desire to do. (People are often afraid that if they give their life to Jesus, He will ask them to be a missionary in Africa... I am not afraid of that at all... I will go do that in a heart beat... The things I don't want to do are the little things. Such as giving up some of my possessions, or not watching excessive amounts of my favorite TV shows... Lets be honest, I really love watching The Office... :) Or how about setting aside specific times of the day where I read and meditate on the Word, and give time to listen to the heart of God.... These are a few things I hear the Father asking me to do, and they are more difficult for me then picking up and moving to a foreign country.)

But on this journey I am discovering that God has wisdom beyond my understanding. He sees a bit more of the picture then I do. Since He sees what is ahead of me, He knows what I will need when I get there. So, surely His instruction to me now is going to be preparing me for what I might face tomorrow. It is a bit like the parent/child thing. The parent has wisdom and reason for asking something of the child, yet the child might not fully understand why the parent would request such seemingly redundant and obscure things... God must know what He is doing.

I want to have a faith like a child who heeds the instruction of his/her parent.

As the Holy Spirit says: If you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts... Hebrews 3:7-8

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and neither are your ways my ways... As the heavens are higher then the earth, so are my ways higher then your ways and my thoughts higher then your thoughts... Isaiah 55:8-9

God knows what he is doing. I am choosing to trust him, and swiftly move in obedience as he directs, because it is in full obedience that I will be blessed!

May we all move as He moves, see what He sees, and trust Him with all we are.

~daily surrendering more~

.am.

ordinary days.

2008-10-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

I am tired of ordinary days.

Is it too much to expect extraordinary things? I have yet to truly expect extraordinary things to happen in everyday occurrences, but I am on my way... Extraordinary things are beginning to happen everyday.

I slept most of the day away today. Sometimes it is okay to rest, to be still, to not do anything but 'be'. I like those days. I went out today for an hour. I was not expecting anything wonderful, I was not looking to be blessed or be a blessing, but sometimes God has opportunities waiting for us. We get to choose to pay attention or turn our hearts away.

I was walking out of the store with my cart carrying a few bags of groceries. I saw an older man walking around asking for some kind of charity. I will be honest, my first judgement of this man was not in his favor. My flesh said, 'hurry up and get in the car so you don't have to interact with this man.' This thought was not the heart of God, thankfully Jesus is so gracious.

(on a side note. Why is this the case with most all of us... especially Christians? Why do we shy away from the broken, outcast, weary and needed? Why do we turn a blind eye to the poor, orphaned and widowed? Why are we silent in the presence of injustice? Aren't we called to feed the hungry and clothe the naked? Didn't Jesus say when you do this to the least of these you do it unto me? How can we turn a blind eye and deaf ear to those in need? I now have a greater understanding of what the Prophet Isaiah was saying when he spoke of people being ever hearing but never understanding, ever seeing but never perceiving... Isn't this us when we know what to do and then do not do it? I am just as guilty as anyone else... But I am tired of being silent, I am tired of having blind eyes and deaf ears.)

Back to the story.

I reached my car, unloaded my 3 bags of groceries, and took my cart back to the cart depot. Of course I passed the gentleman on the way. He was asking another young lady for some food. She gave him a banana. I hurried to my car, got in and started it up. Sure enough this man was bold and persistent. He came right up to my window. I knew this was going to happen. I asked Jesus to be present. I rolled down my window and greeted the man.

'Sorry to bother you mam, I was wondering if you could spare a few dollars for a meal? I am from Africa and I have a heart and liver problem. I would be back home, but the care here is much better...'

(Side note: I choose not to give money out to people on the street. If they need a meal, coffee or something else I will gladly go buy it for them, but I will not give cash. If they are truly in need they will receive any charity. Of course there are always exceptions. But I rarely give cash.)

I could see this man was genuine in his need. I chatted to him for a few minutes, mentioning I had been to Ghana, Africa. This invited further conversation. I then asked him if I could go buy him a meal and bring it back to him. He said yes, making sure I would not buy him soda because sugar was bad for his condition. I quickly returned with 2 cheeseburgers and some fries. We chatted a minute longer and I mentioned I was a Christian and believed that God heals people. I then asked him if I could pray with him. He said that he too believed in God. The man began to give praise to God, quoting scripture from the bible and proclaiming his faith in the Lord. He mentioned that his father was a bishop back in Nigeria, and His father would tell him 'to give thanks in all circumstances because this is the will of God in Christ Jesus' (1 Thes. 5:18). I then prayed for him after he shared a bit more of his testimony. After our prayer the man said to me, 'I am probably old enough to be your father. Let me give you some advice. Hold tight to Joshua 1:6-9. And he began to quote the verses to me. They go like so:

'Be strong and courageous... Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey the word of God... do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go... Do not let this Book depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night... Be strong and courageous... The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go...'

The man then told me I was woman of God and have the spirit of God dwelling within me.

We then said our good-byes and went on our separate ways, both encouraged and blessed by how great God is.

I didn't expect to be blessed today... especially by a man on the street in humble circumstances. I almost missed out because of a hard heart, but thankfully God is gracious.

It frightens me that I have been the hard hearted person, who often says to the stranger in need, 'sorry I have nothing to give you.' And I have been the person who gives a few bits of change out of guilt to get the guy to go away. And I have been the Christian who claims to have the power of the resurrected Christ within me, yet I often cry out, 'please don't let them come talk to me...'

I don't want to be that person any longer. I want to be someone who helps those who are in need. I don't want to help out of a spirit of guilt, or a spirit of pride, rather I want to serve as though it was Jesus asking for the cup of water, or the hot meal, or the coat for the cold winter day.

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me' (matthew 29:30)

~learning to be more like Him~

.am.

What is captivating you?

2008-10-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

I am fascinated at how vulnerable and susceptible we are to captivation.

What captivates you? What draws you in and grabs your attention? What things in life have a hold on you? Are there things in your life that confine and constrain you?

I reckon there are things in our lives and around our lives that have a captivating affect upon us and we are oblivious to their power.

For example, how many of us are captivated by 'stuff'? Think about it for a minute. Our whole nation is captivated by materialism. The more stuff we have, the more accomplished we feel. We work so we can buy a decent home and fill it with 'things' that the media claims will make us happy and content. I am not convinced that consumerism is the path to happiness and contentment. In fact, I would say that it might lead us in the opposite direction and into worry and greed.

This is just one example.

We can be captivated by most anything. Some of us are captivated by negativity and hatred. Others are captivated by unforgiveness and bitterness.... resentment and our hurt hearts. Our minds are so easily influenced and impressionable by what we expose ourselves to, or hold on to. Is there something positive and healthy we can be captivated by?

I would encourage you to take an honest look into your heart and mind and ask yourself what you are captive to. Then ask yourself if it is a good thing. Is your captor bringing you life, hope, joy, and peace? Or is your captor bring you stress, guilt, shame, and oppression?

In my own life I desire to be captivated by one thing, one person. This has proven to be the most opposed desire of my life. It is the hardest thing to do when all the world speaks a different message. Our nation cries out, "It is all about me... Do anything and everything you can to be on top... I am the most important and the only one that matters..." But the heart of God cries out, 'Live for me, for I lived and died for you... Live for me, for my love is better then anything this world could ever offer... Love others with an unconditional love, for this is the love I have for you... Extend mercy and forgiveness to those who do wrong to you, for this is what I have done for you... Serve people and humble yourself... This is what I did for you.' These things are completely contrary to the messages we are bombarded with everyday.

Our eyes and hearts are easily captivated by something. What are you allowing yourself to be captivated by?

Here is my prayer for us:

Jesus, I ask that you would open our eyes and our hearts to see who you truly are. May you clear the debris from our previous understand of you. Wash over our misconceptions and misunderstandings of your character represented by your blemished bride, the Church. Father, bring us to a new understanding of your true character.

'We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ...' 2 Corinthians 10:5

Much love and blessings on this journey of discovery.

.am.

Too overwhelming to take the first step.

2008-10-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever come across a seemingly impossible task and wonder... 'How am I going to get to the other side of this one... it is too big, too difficult, too much.'

Maybe your 'task' is not so much a task as it is a journey of some sort.

Confucius, once said this:

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

As I read that for the first time, it rang so true and brought about a liberty within my spirit and soul. I often think about all the things I desire to do in life, so many things I desire to accomplish, not to mention all the things I want to become (not so much in the sense of becoming an 'astronaut or teacher' ... I am talking about becoming truly like Jesus... Having the same character and nature of Jesus himself... like being loving, kind, forgiving, gracious, merciful, humble, persevering... ect.) There are so many places I want to go as well... and it seems like time is far too short, resources are too scarce, and there are too many things that need to be in place before doing all the other stuff...

I am not sure about you, but sometimes I have a hard time taking that initial step. I see all of these amazing desires and wonderful opportunities set before me and I become so overwhelmed that I cant even take one step in any direction... It's almost like standing in most any section of a grocery store in America. You have at least 40 different kinds of cereal, toothpaste, and peanut butter to choose from. All these choices make it difficult to choose. Or maybe the task is overwhelming and to tackle it seems truly impossible... making that first step incredibly difficult... because we can't stand the thought of failing.

I guess I feel overwhelmed sometimes as I have to make a choice about a coming transition... There are so many things I could do, but I just want to do what will lead me in the direction of my destiny. (whatever that maybe!) Usually a puzzle fits together one piece at a time... so it goes with life... One step at a time.

So... I don't know if I really said anything in this blog tonight. I guess I would just encourage you to take a step. Don't let fear hold you back, don't let indecision hold you back, don't allow apathy to take hold of you and keep you from making the effort to start the journey!

Take the step you know you need to take today, and then take the next one when you get there. You'll eventually end up where you were meant to be!

In His heart a man plans his course... but it is the Lord that determines a man steps...

Some people might say that this proves God to be controlling... I say it proves that He is gracious.

blessings as you take a step...

.am.

frustration.

2008-10-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

Wow.

So I have often experienced frustration. But I am not sure I've ever truly understood what frustration is.

Tonight as I was sitting, pondering life, praying... I began to ask Jesus why there had been an intense pressure building in my head over the past 4-5 days. I simply heard the word 'Frustration'.

I thought to myself, 'oh, that makes sense... I have been quite frustrated... but wait a minute, what is frustration... why is this frustration causing this crazy head ache thing?!'

I began to think of all the things that had been troubling me. All the circumstances were out of my ability to change... I could see the change that needed to take place, but I could not take action to change them... hence the reason they were frustrating! In the midst of it all I was trying to sort out every problem, trying to find reason and rhyme to all the situations that had been on my mind. These things became knots and kept me going around and around in circles, causing an intense strain on my brain...

So I simply asked Jesus what to do with these things... (because I was really annoyed and frustrated that I was having this intense pressure in my brain... Ha!) He simply replied, 'Pray.'

I realized that all this time I had been storing up my frustrations in my mind, trying to figure out a way to change circumstances. But, all these circumstances were out of my ability to directly influence. (which is practically the definition of Frustration... funny how we can experience something and not really now what it is...) Essentially, when Jesus told me to 'pray' he was telling me to ask Him to change the circumstances. And if He is who He says He is, then surely He is powerful enough to rearrange negative things that cross our paths and keep us from reaching our full potential.

Sure enough, after I had shared each frustration with Jesus and asked Him what I should pray... and then prayed it, the tension and pressure in my head had completely dissipated.

Amazing!

Rejoice! ... Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests before God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Amen! (Phillipians 4:6-7)

May we learn how to lay every worry at the feet of Jesus!

.am.

Falling down.

2008-10-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

Well. I am not sure what is going to come out as I type tonight. So I hope you can be gracious.

Let's imagine together: You are a proud parent of a wonderful 3 year old child. You and your precious little one are on the way to the park to play. Your little one begins to run ahead to get to the playground and suddenly trips over his own feet. He falls on the concrete and gets a few scrapes and bruises.

As the parent would you stand far off and scold your little child for being so clumsy for tripping over his own feet? Would you call him stupid or an idiot? Would you pick him up by the t-shirt and spank him for being so dumb for tripping? Would you leave his wounds unattended and bleeding? Would you watch him cry without comforting him?

I wouldn't think so.

So why is it so easy to believe that God would do this to us? What makes us believe that God is somehow out to beat us down with a stick when we fall down and mess up? We are his children. His precious young ones who barely know how to walk... Sometimes we run ahead of him and get ourselves in trouble by tripping up on something... But He never stands far off when we cry for help, He comes to our aid. He never leaves our wounds unattended or calls us stupid for falling.

He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding with love.

All He asks of us is to call out to Him... He wants so desperately for us to experience Him.

May you know His compassion when you fall down.

.am.

learning from everyday occurrences.

2008-10-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

Just this morning I gained some insight into the way things work in life... I thought I would share them... they aren't huge revelations, but I believe the little things put together make something bigger... So as we gain wisdom and revelation of the smaller things and practice what we have gained then those small things can trail-blaze the path to greater things.

So... this morning...

I was going to make myself some scrambled eggs... It turned out the frying pan I wanted to use was in the dishwasher. I opened the dishwasher and reached down for the pan, pulled up on it and it was stuck. I tried again to pull it up with a bit more force. It was still stuck. I realized that it was lodged in by a plate. So as any 'genius' person would do, I lifted the plate and then was able to remove the pan with ease.

It was in those two seconds that I realized we sometimes struggle greatly trying to remove something from our lives and we don't realize it is lodged under something else... and we will struggle with removing what we desire until we realize that there is something else that must move first... This isn't always the case, but sometimes... It is a great puzzle.

I also gained another little revelation from this two second encounter as well. Sometimes we really want or need something to help us accomplish the task ahead of us, and we struggle to get it. But all we have to do is take a step back and look at the whole picture... and most of the time it will work itself out... either we will see our approach needs to be altered a bit, or maybe it just isn't the right timing for us to have what we think we need... (this is true for me quite often... I often think I need something 'right now!' but then realize later I didn't need what I thought I needed at all...)

Well. That was the first experience of the morning... I wonder if anyone else can relate... if not, it was a good lesson for me!

The second experience occurred while I was eating my lovely eggs which I made with the pan that taught me how to see the bigger picture. It went like this: I was sitting, eating my eggs, and then I saw the coaster on the table that has always been there... I have always seen it there, I've used it multiple times... But today, I really saw it... It had meaning to me. I never really enjoyed the picture on it much before my recent trip to Australia. The pictures on these coasters are different animals from the 'down-under'. Because I had never experienced seeing any of these animals first hand, I didn't enjoy the coasters. Though after my trip where I had many encounters with these animals, the pictures on the coasters became much more meaningful to me.

The lesson I learned from that single moment is sometimes things are all around us and we never experience them nor enjoy them because we have not had an encounter with them. Here is another example of this: You drive to work everyday and drive home. You don't notice any style of car going by you. The next day you go out and get a new car and suddenly you see 100 cars of the same brand. Because you have had a new encounter, your eyes are more prone to recognize the car in your normal routine.

I suggest this might be the same with encountering Jesus. Sometimes it takes an initial encounter to open our eyes to what has always been there. Maybe someone might say, 'Well I have encountered Jesus and it was a bad experience.' I would pose the question: Was the bad part of your experience really Jesus, or was it people claiming they know Jesus? If it was people, I sincerely apologize.

I pray that you would encounter Jesus today in a profound way.

Much love.

.am.

here comes the rain.

2008-09-29T23:14:00.000-07:00

I find myself in an interesting season of life, and I am not sure I've ever been here before. Although maybe I have been here before and am experiencing this season to greater depths. Sometimes winter roles around and the weather is mild, other times it is harsh and cold. Seasons have different faces, yet come by every year for a little visit. I am not sure what phase of what season I am in...

I can almost liken it to an eerie calm before a fierce storm rolls thru dumping buckets of rain... maybe even hail... the wind blows at high velocities and damage is done to things on the ground. Then after nature runs its course, the sun begins to shine again and the birds begin to sing... somehow all seems to be refreshed and made new.

Yes, this is what I liken my life to right now.

After a good storm passes by everything seems to be a bit more colorful, vibrant, and lively.

Sometimes things in our lives need to be tried and tested to see if they will withstand the elements. While some things will stand the storm, others might be damaged and need some repair. I want all aspects of my life to withstand the toughest storms. So, if that means a bit of wind, rain, and hail right now to test out the weaknesses in my life... I am okay with that.

1 Thes. 5:24: He who called you is faithful...

keep standing.

.am.

crucifying the flesh

2008-09-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

What a terrible ordeal! Who in their right mind would want to do such a thing as 'crucify the flesh with all its passions and desires!?' Here is what I am referring to:

Galatians 5:24

'And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with it's passions and desires.'

Wow, I have a long way to go until the desires and passions of my flesh are crucified... and what the heck does that mean anyway? Does it mean I have to give up the things I love? Does it mean I have to give up the things I am passionate about? I reckon that as Paul wrote this he was talking about the evil desires we all innately have apart from a life lived with God. We all are prone to gratify ourselves if we have nothing else worth satisfying. Our culture also encourages us daily, hundreds if not thousands of times to gratify our flesh... Constant advertisements attempt to lure you in with their sexy models and nifty slogans... all wanting you, your business, your time, your money, and your worship/adoration/devotion. Some of the passions and desires of the flesh defined by the bible go as so:

Sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, idolatry, debaucher, witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissension, factions, envy, drunkenness, orgies.. and things of the like.

I have heard a lot people claim they don't like Christianity because it is boring and you have to follow a lot of rules... If you are that person, I want to personally apologize for some of God's snooty children who gave you the wrong impression of who God really is. He never desired to put us into a box and give us a set of rules to live by so that our lives are boring and drab. Rather He warns us against these things because He knew where they ultimately lead our lives to... to death. This death can range from physical, to emotional, to mental, and spiritual... whatever aspect it may be, He gave us some guidelines out of Love, not out of condemnation. God has always desired us to be free to live an abundant life... abundant with Life, not abundant with destruction.... (Side note: The life God gives is one of excitement and true freedom... if you have never seen that in a Christian, again I apologize on behalf of my boring brothers and sisters... but know that we are out there... People truly filled with abundant life, joy, peace and love. I pray that you come across a few!)

So if there is such a thing as fleshly desires... and these things are not good for us... how do we get to the good stuff?

Here are some good things that Paul tells us to fill ourselves up with:

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

I have discovered that if you attempt to empty yourself of something you must replace it with something else... If you do not replace it with something else, the void you've created will fill up with the same thing you were desperately trying to get rid of... and it will be stronger then ever.

Its not an easy thing to have our flesh crucified... in other words, it is not an easy thing to kill the things that are trying to kill us. I have found it is nearly impossible to do this on my own... That is where Christ comes in for me. Surely if He desires to give me a life of abundance (and by abundance I don't mean a happy-go-lucky kind of life, with loads of bling-bling and the such... I am talking about a life of true freedom... freedom from guilt, shame, condemnation, oppression, depression, loneliness, worry, doubt and fear...) If He desires to give me that kind of Life, then surely He will help me get there!

I think it is easy for us to be 'all or nothing' kind of people. And I think it is easy to judge our fellow brothers and sisters when we see that they are struggling to become all that God created them to be... (whether they have a clue about God or not...) But may I suggest once again that we are all in the process, or on a journey to use the cheesy cliché. We are made whole, but we are in the process of the realization and actualization of our wholeness. We only see ourselves and Christ in part, but that does not negate our wholeness in Christ.... Some of us have had a glimpse of who God is and want more... some of us are still searching and wondering if there actually is a God... And some of us are walking around aimlessly with the hope that something out there really could care for us. And I think that God is okay with that. In fact, I believe He is more then okay with all of that. Because He is longing for us all to come home to Him... and He is able to wait patiently for us all to 'get it'.

well. I think that is much too much for tonight.

God, give us open eyes to see who you really are. Let every lie we have heard about you be silenced and may you speak in profound ways the Truth of who you are.

.daily searching for more of Jesus.

.am.

Dependance

2008-09-26T21:20:00.000-07:00

Its not so much about where you make your home, rather it is about who you make your home with.

I can be anywhere in the world, in the greatest or worst situation and if my home is with God I can be content. Our hearts are satisfied when they are centered and solely reliant on something reliable outside ourselves. I have found this 'something' to be Christ.

For some of us, relying solely on christ is a pleasant idea, but we often fail to realize our utter need and desperation for Jesus. I would suggest this is due to our ability to provide for ourselves everything we need in most every circumstance. We have become independent, and independence has become a attribute we highly respect. Because of this we are never in situations where the only thing we have to cling to is God himself. And in the moments we do approach the realization of our utter depravity and need, we scramble in anxiety and fear for some kind of safe ground. We turn to things that comfort us, people who save us, food to satisfy us. We are much like cats thrown into a body of water. Cats can swim if they have too, but at the first sight of dry land they will claw franticly with the hopes of escaping the disastrous mess of getting wet. We too can learn to fully rely on God but we avoid at all cost the difficult circumstances that teach us dependence. It is often too uncomfortable and a bit messy to come to terms with our needs.

Adversity reveals character.

What if after the initial acceptance of our utter depravity we find the beauty of God reaching out to us and providing all we need? He delights greatly in providing our every need, but He will also not force us to receive His blessing.

There are seasons where we will be in great need, utter disaster, complete brokenness, and desperately lonely. But in those seasons if we accept our condition and embrace the truth about God we will make it through our circumstances with a strength that we could never had obtained unless we walked through the valley with our hand in His. He desires to wipe all the tears away, bring His peace and comfort, heal the broken heart and make us whole...

Let us fall more in love with the One who loved us first. It is a daily practice and allowance of letting Him in a bit more today then yesterday.

Peace and blessings to you.

the journey

2008-09-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

Life is more about the journey then the destination.

Today as I walked from one end of the city to the other I heard God say to me, 'it is not so important where you are going, but that you are going there with me.'

I think we often get worked up and frazzled about where we are to go, what we are to do, what God has in store for us... in other words, we fret over our purpose and destiny. But as we fret over those things we miss the bigger picture and truth... God is walking with us, talking with us, graciously guiding us... As I frantically look for the final destination I miss the beautiful landscape around me... and I miss the peace of Christ who is walking right beside me, with His nail scared hand in the small of my back.

God is walking with us and He longs for us to walk with Him.

I am learning to let go of the need to have my 'ducks all in a row' and letting things come as they come. It is truly liberating to live a life free of worry, stress, and fear. Granted I believe in planning, organization, and being a good steward of time and resources, but sometimes this can become an idol. If we constantly 'need' to have everything planned out and organized we place a cap on the spontaneity of God. And I will be honest, some of the most amazing experiences of my life have come spontaneously without long drawn out plans or previous intentions of going or doing something.

Lets embrace the walk with God as He leads us to our incredible destiny in Him.

.walking with Him.

.am.

tangible faith

2008-06-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

A man is at the door. Or maybe he is just outside. He is detailing the car in the driveway. It is warm, very warm. If it were me out there I wonder if I would appreciate someone bringing me a glass of cold water.

I sat there on the comfortable couch and pondered the very simple question for a few minutes. I came to the conclusion that I would greatly appreciate the thoughtful act of someone bringing me a glass of cold water on a hot summer day. I would not only appreciate it, but I would be in great need of some hydration.

I continued to sit on the couch ignoring the conclusion I just came to as that lost child of God was outside in the heat, thirsty and working hard. The truth is, I was just sitting down to write about how God sometimes inconveniences life, our plans, and our agendas with His perfect will... and then along came an inconvenience.

I hesitated as I heard the heart of God. It is not so much that Jesus said to me specifically, 'Go give that man a glass of water' but the Lord has given me His heart and he wants to show his lost children His love in a variety of tangible ways, no matter who they are. So why did hesitation run through my vanes as I pondered being Jesus to someone? Why does opportunity to love the lost in the name of Jesus suddenly result in a wavering and faltering of my so-called lively faith?

Too often I live with an artificial faith, a dead faith, but I make sure it is dressed up to look as though it were alive. In fact, I dress my faith up so pretty that I begin to believe it is alive. That is really scary. I wonder how many of us are walking around with rotting faith dressed up in hideous lies. I am on a journey of truly living as Jesus lived. I want to be true and pure in my deeds and my words. I am tired of saying I am a person of faith when I have few actions to back it up.

Now don't hear me wrong, I am not going to go around and do a whole bunch of different deeds just to do some good things for others and hope they feel loved because of my actions. That is not what this is all about. I want to do what I see the Father doing. And I think that is sometimes different for us all at different times. One day it might be giving a man a cup of cold water, while another day it might mean doing something that will take a bit more energy, time and effort. But, whether it seems like an easy task or a great task, the key is, Jesus is doing the loving. It is good to do good things for people, but it is even better to listen and seek out what Jesus wants you to do each day. And the beautiful thing is that Jesus will show us. He desires to be in such a close relationship with us.

What does it mean TODAY to love your neighbor? What is Jesus asking you to do today to bring a glimpse of His kingdom to earth? Ask Him, and He will be faithful to show you.

Before I wrote this, I got up and took a cup of ice water to the man. It was not as hard as my hesitation was saying it would be. I pray that we can stop listening to our hesitation and live out of the overflow of the Holy Spirit, leading us into life, truth and love.

May we all find true life. True love. True grace. True acceptance. His name is Jesus.

Blessings.

perfect love.

2008-05-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

I wonder when this little mind of mine will grasp the truth that I am infinitely loved and adored, and because of this I need not fear about one single thing.

A week ago at the end of church, my pastor got up to dismiss us... and he had shared a testimony that had just happened... the children were outside for service that day, and a little boy wondered into the playground and joined in. They were sharing with the children about the love of Jesus and the little boy ended up accepting Jesus... the leaders gave him a children's bible and he was very excited to go sit in the shade and read it... That was exciting in itself, but here is what really hit my heart... My pastor said something to this effect, "we might never see that little boy again, he may never come back to this place... and thats totally okay because JESUS will finish the good work started in that young boy's life... Jesus will be faithful to complete what he has started... He knows all the plans He has for that young boy and He will see them through.'

Thats great and all for the average joe... but for me, those words right there opened the floodgate of tears and Jesus came down and kissed me on the cheek as his dearly loved daughter... He reminded me that that was exactly what he had done for me... He has seen me through and from that first time I accepted Him into my heart he has never stopped listening to my cries, my heart, my thoughts... he has never once forgotten me... and he will continue to be faithful..

tears well up even now, because of how much he loves me.

and it isnt just me... he loves us all.

Praise you Jesus. Continue to open our eyes to see your glory!

pressing in!

.am.

grace.

2008-05-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

I am truly amazed by grace.

I had an experience recently where I had the opportunity to extend grace to someone or to truly lash out and give them a piece of truth. But being Christ in this particular situation meant showing grace, and so grace is what I chose to show... though I did have to pray quite a bit for help. There is no way we can be holy on our own. We need the help of the Holy Spirit... because with out Him, and apart from him... it is impossible.

So what is Grace? I have heard grace to be: 'unmerited favor'. You don't deserve it but you are given it anyway... and true grace is not given reluctantly, hesitantly, stingily, or with expectation of receiving something in return.

It wasn't until a few nights ago that I began to understand the grace that Jesus has extended and offered to me. (and not just to me but to the whole world.) It truly is amazing.

I would love to share the story someday. And I will. But for now, I will just stand in awe of the greatness of His mercy, His grace, and His love.

He is a great God.

Jesus, You are faithful. Thank you for opening our eyes to see you. Thank you for your grace. Father pour out more upon your creation, Lord Jesus, you made a way for us and I pray you would help us walk in it. guide our steps, lead us into life everlasting. Jesus, I love you.

Walking in grace.

.am.

2008-05-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

i think we sometimes take ourselves way to seriously. Maybe we go on ridiculously huge, unnecessary rampages about how we did this or that, right or wrong... How we missed out on this or missed that... how we lack this or that quality... how we might not have heard Jesus right and we went the wrong way...

what if none of the things we get ourselves worked up about are worthy of our passion and energy... what if we didn't need to waste time dwelling on the things of yesterday? what if we are truly free? What if Jesus really did take all of our guilt and shame when He died... and what if he really did conquer all the things that attempt to hold us captive?

I believe that we are free, but we choose to stay in a comfortable place... a place where it is easy... because lets face it... change is hard.

Freedom takes a bit of stepping out of the comfortable.

Jesus help us.

.am.

The war that rages inside our minds. Part 2.

2008-05-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

I am finding that this is a season of transformation. It is said that 2008 is a year of new beginnings, and already I have experienced many 'new beginnings'... and yet I know in my spirit I am only scratching the surface of all the new beginnings God has prepared... It is the mid-way point where it is easy to slow down, take a breather and rest here for a while... or I can choose the better... press in with everything I have, running the race to finish and win the prize... eternal life... but it is so much more then just the prize at the finish line... Jesus came to bring us abundant life... (Jesus says in John 10:10, 'I came so they may have life, and have it abundantly.') I want that abundant life that Jesus has talked about... So I am pressing in.

Yesterday I mentioned that I have become more aware of how much time I spend with myself, in my mind. Isn't it interesting that we could potentially choose not to have anyone to hold us accountable for our thought processes? I have found this a bit dangerous. I am learning how crucial community is. If I am on my own too long, with my own thoughts, not able to process difficult circumstances, obstacles, confusion, or struggles... then I will be stuck on an island with my thoughts taking me into a down-ward spiral of negativity, fear, doubt, worry, anger, bitterness, and depression... and that island is not the place where God has intended you or I to live, dwell, or put up camp... As I already said, he has come to give us life abundant... not life scanty.

So what am I getting at anyway?

I will tell you.

God is taking me through a season of transforming my mind. Paul talks about it in Romans 12, '... do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.' (this whole passage is great.. and right after this part Paul talks about community... this is interesting to me... maybe I will write some thoughts on this another time.)

anyhoo.

This scripture has been a prayer of mine for quite some time. And sometimes we (or maybe it is just me... but I doubt it!) want God to be like a genie and grant us whatever we wish instantly... this is because of our 'instant gratification' culture and mindset... (ever notice that you can get most anything in a 'drive-thru'?) So right there I come into conflict with what Paul was trying to communicate... I want God to do things instantly... but that is not always the way God works... He can, and he does do things instantaneously... but this is not the only way He does things... God is more interested in building relationship with us then He is in giving us what we think we need.

(wow, let me say that to myself again...)

God is more interested in building relationship with us then He is in giving us what we think we need.

This transformation of the mind business is far more intense then I have ever realized. It goes further then just our culture, but it is our families history ingrained into our minds... (which is great if you grew up in an incredible line of God-fearing, spirit filled christians... but that isn't my story...) I am a product of my parents who are products of their parents, and so on and so forth...(I love my parents and grandparents dearly, all the more reason to get rid of the junk of our family and cling to the jewels!) I need a deep renewing of my mind.... deeper then I can imagine.

And God is able to do it, if only I am willing to ask him to take me through the process...

So here I am... being transformed...

Father I want a transformed mind that I might know you better. You are faithful. Jesus help us walk. Help us ask for help.

I am placing my confidence in your faithfulness and not my faithfulness.

pressing in.

.annie may.

The war that rages inside our minds. Part 1.

2008-05-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

I have only a minute to write this first entry. I was inspired and encouraged today by one of my sisters in the faith to again begin to document my thoughts and daily experiences on a more regular basis... and in this way, building a testimony of the faithfulness, mercy and grace Jesus has shown to me... I find if I choose not to write things down, I will likely forget... Much like the Israelites did so often as they wondered in circles through the desert for so many years.

anyhoo.

What I really want to say today concerns the incredible battle that goes on inside of our minds. Recently, I have become more aware of how much time I spend with myself, in my mind. What I mean is this: Every minute of the day, every second, we are constantly having some kind of conversation in our mind. There is always something going on... I don't know if I have ever intentionally had a moment of true 'silence' within my mind. I often think about the disciples and Jesus in the boat crossing over one of the lakes... and Jesus was peacefully sleeping... and a storm picks up and the boat begins to sink... and the disciples are freaking out... they wake up Jesus and Jesus rebukes the storm... by saying 'Peace'... and could you imagine... one second the wind and the waves are over taking your lil boat... then suddenly at the word from the mouth of Jesus... everything is still.... everything is calm, everything is peaceful.

Sometimes, (and by sometimes I mean quite often... at least as of recent...) I find there to be a raging storm going on in my mind... whether it be the wind and waves of worry, doubt, or fear... stress, anger, and annoyance... or disbelief, bitterness, and unforgiveness... all these things rear their head at times... (usually they surface right before a time of great breakthrough.... and the enemy attempts to use these things to discourage us and keep us from persevering, and advancing to our destiny.) But this is what I am slowly learning... Jesus speaks 'Peace' and there is peace. He spoke something that was not currently visible into existence. And I am hearing the Lord say to me these past few days, to prophesy the truth into existence. He has been saying to me, "even if you don't feel like you are what I have made you to be... speak it into your life and believe it" ... too often I believe and accept what I see, feel, or experience... even if it is not truth... Our perspective on reality has to be transformed... reality is not what we see with our eyes... rather, reality is what we know to be true in the heavenly realm...

I have some more to say about the war that rages in our minds. I will do that at another time...

Jesus I pray that you would reveal to us truth. Father, I am inclined to pray that you would 'show me, me.' I know with certainty that I will not be comfortable with what you uncover, because a lot of the things deep down inside of me are not like you... YET. But I entrust my whole self to you, knowing that you see the depths of who I am and you love me the same. So Jesus, uncover all that is not like you, and with your grace, mercy and love remove those things from me. Bring healing, hope and restoration. As for the storms that rage in our minds, Father I ask for you to speak peace. Jesus, enable us to meditate and think on things that are true, lovely, wholesome, pure, radiant, and glorious. As my sister in the faith mentioned today, I have confidence in your faithfulness, and not in my faithfulness. May this be true in our lives. I love you Lord Jesus. You are my strength, my joy, the love of my life...

seeking him.

annie may.